GIFT  OF 


A-/  3  S  2- 


American  Dramatists  Series 

TRIAL   MARRIAGE 

A  SATIRIC  COMEDY 
IN     THREE     ACTS 


BY 


HARRIET  HOLMES  HASLETT 

Author  of  "Jack's  Bluff,"  "Dolores  of  the  Sierra 

and  Other  One- Act  Plays,"  "The  Temptation 

of  Anne  O'Brien"  and  "Impulses" 


BOSTON 

RICHARD    G.   BADGER 

THE   GORHAM   PRESS 


COPYRIGHT   1920,  BY  RICHARD  G.  BADGER 
All  Rights  Reserved 


Made  in  the  United  States  of  America 


The  Gorham  Press,  Boston,  U.  S.  A. 


To 
J.  W.  H.  AND  R.  H.  H. 

OR  ANY  OTHER  COUPLE  WITH  A  SENSE  OF  HUMOR 


PREFACE 


Various  well-known  persons  have  given  forth 
epigrams  on  the  subject  of  the  stage,  ranging  all 
the  way  from  Euripides  to  Brander  Matthews. 
These  are  chiefly  concerned  with  the  theater  and 
the  actor.  Few  have  mentioned  the  dramatist, 
yet  back  of  all  the  author  stands,  armed  with  his 
or  her  own  beliefs  and  standards. 

Personally  I  believe  with  Mazzini  that  the 
drama  is  the  meeting  place  of  art  and  life. 

Among  the  several  forms  of  drama  the  satiric 
is  the  least  understood.  Just  why  this  is  so  I 
know  of  no  one  who  has  vouchsafed  an  opinion. 
It  must  be  because  human  beings  hate  ridicule 
directed  against  themselves. 

According  to  the  laws  which  should  govern 
true  satire  the  satirist  must  be  well  grounded  in 
his  subject  before  he  presumes  to  ridicule.  Then, 
wherever  they  will,  even  into  his  own  soul,  his 
satiric  darts  will  fly,  carrying  inevitable  truth  on 
their  wings. 

This  comedy  is  hyphenated  with  satire  as  will 
be  perceived.  In  the  guise  of  lightness  I  have 
endeavored  to  present  some  of  the  realities,  which 
during  this  unusually  restless  period  are  apparent 
in  our  everyday  life.  It  may  help  us  to  live,  not 
with  the  "Professor"  who  vainly  glimpses  "fifty 


3423 


6  PREFACE 

years  hence,"  but  now,  in  the  "today  which  will 
never  dawn  again." 

All  about  us  truth  abounds,  not  only,  as  the 
proverb  would  have  us  believe,  "at  the  bottom 
of  a  well,"  but  close  to  our  vision,  if  we  would 
stretch  out  our  hands  and  tear  away  the  net 
work  of  pretense  enshrouding  it.  Under  the  sat 
irized  mistakes  of  today  may  be  discovered  the 
livable  truths  of  tomorrow  1 

H.  H.  H. 

Alameda,  California 


TRIAL  MARRIAGE 


CHARACTERS 

RODNEY  FINLAYSON,  an  artist. 

JANE,  his  wife. 

EDWARD  ALLEN,  a  business  man. 

BEATRICE,  his  wife. 

TAD  ALLEN,  six  years  old. 

MRS.  PERRY. 

ISABEL,  her  daughter;  an  art  student. 

SYDNEY  PARKER,  Isabel's  fiance. 

PROFESSOR  STATICMULLER,  a  lecturer. 

BONG,  a  Chinese  cook. 


SCENES 

ACT  I — The  living-room  of  the  Finlaysons  and 
the  Aliens. 

ACT  II — Mrs.  Perry's  sitting-room. 
ACT  III — Same  as  Act  I. 

PERIOD — The  present. 


TRIAL  MARRIAGE 


ACT  I 

SCENE:  The  joint  living-room  of  the  FINLAYSONS 
and  the  ALLENS.  //  is  a  large,  comfortable 
room,  furnished  partly  as  a  studio,  partly  as  a 
sitting-room.  The  entrances  are  at  center, 
leading  to  the  hall,  and  at  left,  leading  to  the 
FINLAYSONS'  apartment.  A  stairway  leads 
from  above  into  the  entrance-hall.  The  din 
ing-room  is  presumably  at  right  of  the  stairs, 
the  street  door  at  the  left.  A  hat-stand  is 
visible  near  the  foot  of  the  stairs. 

There  is  a  mantel  with  mirror  at  R.,  a  couch  R.  C. 
and  a  heading  table  on  which  are  a  lamp  and 
books,  periodicals,  et  cetera.  Grouped  about 
are  easy-chairs. 

At  L.  there  is  a  table  on  which  are  artists'  utensils. 
On  the  walls  are  sketches  and  canvases.  Models 
are  everywhere.  There  are  two  windows  up 
L.  C.  and  L.  RODNEY  FINLAYSON'S  easel  is 
near  the  large  window  L.  C.,  and  a  smaller 
one  for  ISABEL  is  near  the  window  L.  A  type 
writer  is  near  ISABEL'S  easel.  Rugs  are  used 
for  the  whole  room,  and  there  are  several 
small  chairs.  ISABEL'S  hat,  coat,  and  purse  are 
on  a  chair  near  C.  E. 

At  Curtain  RODNEY  FINLAYSON  is  discovered  in 
ii 


.13. 


TRIAL  MARRIAGE 


*  'front  of'  his  easel,  painting.  He  is  a  slight, 
rather  dark-complexioned  man,  wearing,  as  the 
distinctive  feature  of  his  costume,  a  black  vel 
vet  studio  jacket. 

Having    passed    through    various    phases    he    has 
Reached  the  stage  of  life  when  he  is  whimsically 
expectant  of  each  new  event,  and  ready  to  give 
all  modern  ideas  a  fair  showing. 
ISABEL  is  a  pretty,  fair-haired  girl  of  twenty-two, 
alert  and  capable,  with  a  quick  sense  of  humor. 
She  wears  a  tailored  skirt  and  shirtwaist.    She 
is  engaged  in  putting  away  her  painting  mate 
rials  near  her  own  easel.     The  light  is  fading. 
A  fire  is  burning  in  the  open  grate  R. 
Finlayson   (Glancing  at  the  canvas  on  ISABEL'S 
easel) — That's  good — a  decided  improvement. 
Isabel — I'm  so  glad.     I  was  getting  discouraged. 
Finlayson   (Returning  to  his  work) — Never  say 
that !     Perseverance !     Have  you  finished   for  the 
day?    There  is  still  a  little  light. 

Isabel — I  want  to  write  those  letters  for  you  be 
fore  I  go. 

Finlayson — That's  good  of  you,  but  I  hate  to 
trouble  you. 

Isabel — Why,  you  know  I  love  to  do  it!  (Tak 
ing  up  some  notes  of  a  letter)  Here's  this  one  to 
Mrs.  Hamilton  about  that  landscape,  I'll  copy  it. 
And  what  about  that  sitting  of  Mr — er — Profes 
sor —  what  is  the  man's  name? 

Finlayson — Blest  if  I  know!  He's  some  freak 
or  another  who  wants  me  to  perpetuate  his  mug  on 
canvas.  My  wife  can  tell  you,  she's  always  talk 
ing  about  him.  She  got  me  the  job — er — (whimsi- 


ACT  I  13 

cally) — I  mean  the  honor  of  the  operation.  I'm 
told  it  is  an  honor! 

Isabel  (Laughing) — Very  well,  I'll  write  the 
note  now,  and  get  the  address  later.  Oh,  I  know — 
Staticmuller !  That's  his  name.  (She  sits  at  the 
typewriter.) 

Finlayson — Staticmuller,  yes,  I  believe  it  is.  Some 
sort  of  a  culture  bug,  isn't  he?  What's  his  spe 
cialty  ? 

Isabel — I  think  he  lectures  on  various  new- 
thought  problems — the  management  of  husbands, 
and  so  forth. 

Finlayson — Judging  by  his  name  he  might  be  one 
of  those  chaps  who  can  tell  you  how  many  postage 
stamps  it  would  take  to  encircle  the  globe,  or  how 
one  can  live  comfortably  on  thirty-seven  and  a  half 
cents  a  week,  using  the  half-cent  for  diversions ! 

Isabel  (Laughing) — Especially  if  you're  a  wo 
man  ! 

Finlayson  (Laughing) — Exactly!  He's  a  brother 
to  the  Miss  Nancy  who  hoards  up  the  cotton  tags 
off  her  laundry  to  make  bedspreads.  Choice  cult! 

Isabel— Hal     Ha!     Ha! 

Finlayson — Isabel,  your  sense  of  humor  always 
exhilarates  me.  Do  you  know,  you're  a  rare  sort  of 
girl? 

Isabel — Why?  Because  I  chortle  over  your 
jokes? 

Finlayson — That's  one  reason,  I  suppose.  You'll 
never  become  an  early  victim  to  dyspepsia. 

Isabel — Not  while  you  continue  to  exercise  my 
giggles. 

Finlayson — Well,  let's  get  back  to  Staticmuller, 


i4  TRIAL  MARRIAGE     / 

whatever  his  vocation.  Sufficient  that  my  wife  ad 
mires  him!  {painting)  You  might  say  (dictating), 
"I  can  give  you  your  first  sitting  at  three  o'clock  on 
Tuesday  next.  Those  following  can  be  arranged 
later.  Kindly  let  me  hear  as  soon  as  possible  if  this 
will  be  agreeable  to  you.  Believe  me,  et  cetera " 

(ISABEL  takes  this  in  her  note  book,  and  copies 
It  on  the  machine.  FINLAYSON  glances  up  at  the 
window,  draws  aside  the  curtains  and  pulls  up  the 
shade.  During  the  preceding  TAD  ALLEN  entefs 
C.  E.  He  comes  in  secretly,  creeps  to  the  couch 
and  places  a  small  package  on  it.  He  is  just  the 
impish,  lovable  sort  of  child  who  would  be  called 
"TAD.") 

Isabel  (In  a  moment,  noticing  him) — Hello, 
Tad!  What  are  you  doing? 

Tad  (Standing  up  quickly) — Has  mama  come 
home  yet? 

Isabel — No,  not  yet. 

Tad — I'm  hungry. 

Finlayson  (Laying  aside  his  brush) — So  am  I, 
Tad ;  now  that  you  mention  it. 

Tad — I  wish  she'd  come  home!  She  and  Aunt 
Jane  are  always  at  their  old  meetings! 

Isabel — They'll  soon  be  home  now. 

Tad  (Confidentially,  hanging  over  the  back  of 
ISABEL'S  chair) — Do  you  know  what's  today? 
April  Fools,'  that's  what! 

Isabel — Gracious,  so  it  is!  I'd  forgotten  all  about 
it. 

Tad — I  didn't.     I  remembered! 

Isabel — Run  away  now,  I'm  busy.  Go  and  help 
Bong  get  dinner. 

Tad — I  did  help  him — I  know  what's  for  dinner ; 


ACT  I  15 

apple  pie!  (He  snatches  ISABEL'S  purse  from  the 
chair,  unseen  by  her,  and  runs  out  ecstatically  C.  E.) 

Finlayson  (Painting  again) — It  seems  to  me  that 
Beatrice  leaves  Tad  altogether  too  much  with  that 
heathen  Chinee. 

Isabel — It  has  been  rather  frequent  lately,  but  I 
am  supposed  to  look  out  for  him  a  little  when  you 
don't  keep  me  too  busy. 

Finlayson — Why  should  you  play  nursemaid  for 
Beatrice? 

Isabel  (Laughing) — What  a  name  to  call  a  little 
friendly  help! 

Finlayson — You  come  here  to  paint  pictures. 

(TAD  creeps  back  and  works  over  the  purse  and 
a  thread.  He  places  the  purse  on  the  floor  near 
C.  E.,  holds  the  thread  in  his  hand,  and  conceals 
himself  behind  the  portiere.) 

Isabel — To  learn  to  paint  pictures,  you  mean; 
and  to  write  a  few  letters  for  you.  I  wish  you'd 
give  me  more  of  that  sort  of  work.  I  feel  that  I 
do  so  little  to  repay  you  for  all  these  lessons  you 
are  giving  me. 

Finlayson — Nonsense !  Haven't  I  told  you  that 
I  didn't  want  to  hear  any  more  about  that? 
( Throwing  down  his  brush )  The  light  is  gone. 

(He  turns  on  the  electric  bulb  near  ISABEL.  She 
continues  typing  while  he  draws  down  the  shades, 
and  covers  his  canvas.) 

(BoNG  enters,  C.  E.  He  is  the  typical  Chinese 
servant  of  the  west,  with  close-cropped,  shining, 
black  hair;  and  is  clothed  in  dark  trousers  and  white 
linen  coat,  and  over  all  a  large  white  apron  of  Chi 
nese  pattern,  tied  with  tapes  at  the  back.  He  stoops 
to  pick  up  the  purse,  TAD  twitches  the  thread,  the 


1 6  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

purse  hops  along,  much  to  BONG'S  surprise.     TAD 
springs  out,  laughing  and  shouting.} 

Tad— April  Fools' !    April  Fools' ! 

Bong  (Grunting  good-naturedly) — Aw,  what 
mailer  you?  I  kill  you  my  big  knife. 

Tad  (Dancing  about) — April  Fools'!  April 
Fools'! 

Finlayson — See  here,  Tad  Allen,  cut  that  out! 
(TAD  subsides.)  Those  are  street  tricks.  Gentle 
men  don't  behave  so  in  drawing-rooms. 

(BoNG  turns  on  the  lights  at  R.) 

Tad — Not  ever,  ever? 

Finlayson    (Solemnly) — Not  ever,   I  assure  you. 

Tad — Then  I  don't  want  to  be  a  gemplum ;  they 
don't  have  no  fun. 

(He  busies  himself  with  the  purse  and  thread, 
placing  the  purse  C.  E.) 

Bong  (To  ISABEL) — Ladies  no  come  home  yet? 
Isabel — No,  not  yet,  Bong. 

(BoNG  goes  into  the  entrance  hall  and  turns  on 
the  lights,  then  exits  R.  TAD  follows  him.  ISABEL 
covers  her  machine  and  puts  away  papers.) 

Finlayson  (Looking  at  his  watch) — It  is  getting 
late.  You'd  better  run  along;  I'll  keep  house. 

Isabel — I  am  staying  a  little  later  this  afternoon 
to  see  Mr.  Allen.  He  said  he  would  bring  me  a  let 
ter  of  recommendation  for  Sydney  to  the  Carroll- 
Seymour  Company.  It  will  mean  so  much  to  Syd 
to  get  it ! 

Finlayson — Means  something  to  you  too,  eh? 
Isabel — Yes.     If  Sydney  obtains  the  position,  he 
and  I  can  announce  our  engagement  and  be  married 
in  the  fall. 

Finlayson — What  will  Mrs.   Perry  say  to  that? 


ACT  I  17 

Isabel — Poor  mother!  She  is  never  very  strong, 
you  know,  and  that  is  one  reason  why  I  have  de 
layed  announcing  our  engagement.  Sydney  has  been 
very  impatient;  he  can't  understand  it.  But  she  is 
feeling  rather  well  just  now,  and  if  Syd  gets  this 
position  she  will  be  willing. 

Finlayson — Then  I  suppose  it  will  be  all  up  with 
this.  (Indicating  studio  work]  You  women  are 
all  alike — confoundedly  eager  to  run  your  heads 
into  the  noose! 

Isabel  (Laughing} — Well,  you  ran  your  head 
into  it,  didn't  you? 

Finlayson — Oh,  Jane  and  I  hit  it  off  all  right! 
The  rare  times  I  see  her  I'm  rather  fond  of  Jane. 
We  don't  trouble  each  other  much. 

Isabel — You  and  Mrs.  Finlayson  are  my  model 
couple. 

Finlayson  (In  affected  horror) — My  benighted 
girl !  What  a  standard ! 

Isabel  (Seriously) — I  like  the  way  you  take  each 
other  for  granted. 

Finlayson — There's  really  nothing  like  it.  For 
instance,  Jane's  sense  of  humor.  She  hasn't  any, 
you  know,  but  I  always  take  it  for  granted. 

Isabel  (Ruefully) — Neither  has  Syd.  I  wish  I 
could  take  it  for  granted,  but  I  can't;  it's  too  far 
fetched! 

Finlayson — In  a  case  like  that  the  only  way  to 
do  is  to  cultivate  your  own  to  the  fullest  extent. 
That  has  been  my  plan  right  along. 

Isabel— Well,  I  think  I'll  try  it. 

Finlayson — It  would  simply  be  a  waste  of  genius, 
if  you  didn't.  Keep  it  up.  In  time  you  can't  fail  to 
awaken  Parker's. 


1 8  TRIAL  MARRIAGE     , 

Isabel — But  you  admit  that  you're  not  always 
successful  with  Mrs.  Finlayson. 

Finlayson — No,  but  I'm  always  hoping.  Some 
times  I  think  I  detect  a  responsive  gleam.  The 
turning  point  is  bound  to  come  some  day. 

Isabel  (Smiling) — Then  I'll  take  your  advice  and 
continue  to  chase  a  forlorn  hope.  Syd  is  so  good! 

Finlayson  (Ruefully) — So's  Jane!  Scandalously 
so!  (Both  laugh.) 

Tad  (Running  in  C.  E.,  jumping  at  ISABEL  and 
clinging  to  her) — Say,  Isabel,  what's  a  apple-pie 
bed? 

Finlayson  (Removing  TAD  forcibly) — Really, 
Tad,  if  you  were  my  son ! 

Tad — I  guess  I  like  my  own  dad  best! 

Isabel — Never  mind,  Tad,  come  here.  I'll  tell 
you  about  an  apple-pie  bed.  (Mysteriously)  You 
tie  up  all  the  sheets  and  the  pillow-cases,  you  know, 

and  the  night-clothes,  and  you  put  everything 

(They  sit  on  the  couch  and  whisper  together,  laugh 
ing.) 

(EDWARD  ALLEN  enters  hastily,  C.  E.  He  is  of 
medium  complexion,  rather  tall,  and  heavily  built; 
an  average  type  of  the  fairly  prosperous  business 
man.  He  sees  only  the  obvious  in  life;  and  when 
affairs  are  going  his  way,  this  satisfies  him.) 

Allen — Hello,  everybody!  Say,  Beatrice,  hurry 
on  dinner,  will  you?  I  promised  Carroll — why, 
where  is  Bee? 

Finlayson  (Drawling) — Oh,  she  and  Jane  are 
out  at  some  club  meeting,  learning  what  brutes  you 
and  I  are,  and  what  they  must  do  to  tame  us ! 

Isabel — Good-evening,  Mr.  Allen. 


ACT  I  19 

Tad  {Springing  into  ALLEN'S  arms) — Hello, 
dad! 

Allen — How  d'ye  do,  Miss  Perry.  Pardon  my 
noise.  Hello,  Tad,  you  old  rascal ! 

Isabel — I  think  Mrs.  Allen  and  Mrs.  Finlayson 
went  to  the  New  Century  Club  this  afternoon. 

Tad — Dad!  I  don't  never,  never  want  to  be  a 
gemplum. 

Allen — No?  You  grieve  me,  son,  you  grieve  me. 
What's  your  reason? 

Tad  (Indicating  FINLAYSON) — Not  the  kind  he 
is  anyway.  Just  a  nice,  noisy  gemplum  like  you, 
daddy! 

Allen — Humph! 

Finlayson — That  lets  me  out. 

Allen — Here,  you  young  fellow,  you  weigh  a 
ton.  Run  along.  (TAD  runs  out  C.  E.) 

Isabel  (Putting  on  her  hat) — I  must  go. 

Allen — Wait  a  moment,  Miss  Perry;  I  have 
something  for  you.  (He  takes  a  letter  from  his 
pocket.) 

Isabel — Oh,  Mr.  Allen,  you're  so  good ! 

Finlayson — You  and  I  are  getting  uncomfortably 
virtuous,  Ned.  My  sprouting  wings  feel  cramped 
under  this  jacket.  Excuse  me  while  I  change.  Good 
night,  Isabel.  (He  goes  out  L.) 

Isabel — Good-night.     Don't  mind  me! 

Allen — Here's  the  letter  I  promised  you  for  Mr. 
Parker  to  the  Carroll-Seymour  Company.  ( They 
sit  on  the  couch,  and  he  gives  it  to  her.  TAD, 
anxious  to  see  if  they  notice  his  package,  creeps  back 
and  hides  behind  them.)  It  is  in  a  double  envelope, 
you  see.  I  hope  it  will  help. 


20  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Isabel — A  recommendation  from  you,  Mr.  Allen, 
makes  it  practically  certain. 

Allen — Carroll  told  me  yesterday  that  he  was 
looking  for  just  such  a  man.  I  don't  think  there 
is  much  doubt  but  what  Parker  will  make  good.  I 
intended  to  phone  him  about  the  letter  today,  but  it 
slipped  my  mind. 

Isabel — Oh,  no,  no !  You  would  have  spoilt 
everything.  It's  a  secret.  I'm  keeping  it  for  his 
birthday  tomorrow. 

Allen— Oh,  ho!     Then  I'm  not  to  tell,  eh? 

Isabel  (Laughing) — No,  indeed.  It's  a  secret 
between  you  and  me.  Thank  you  so  much!  You 
have  made  me  very  happy. 

(TAD  peers  around  at  them,  listening  intently. 
ISABEL  rises,  TAD  drops  down  again  behind  the 
couch.) 

Allen  ^  (Cordially  pressing  her  hand} — Don't 
mention  it!  Always  glad  to  put  in  a  word  when  I 
can. 

(BoNG  enters  C.  E.) 

Bong — Ladies  no  come  yet? 

Isabel — Not  yet,  Bong.  You'll  have  to  wait  din 
ner  a  little  longer. 

Tad  (Coming  around  the  couch,  whining) — I'm 
hungry ! 

Bong  (Grumbling) — Aw,  no  good!  Dinner  all 
spoil'em.  (He  goes  out.) 

Allen — Blank  these  women's  clubs!  I've  got  a 
directors'  meeting  at  the  Indoor  Yacht  Club  at 
seven-thirty,  and 

Isabel  (Slyly) — And  that  is  important! 

Allen  (Recovering  himself) — Oh,  I  guess  we 
men  are  selfish  brutes ;  but  Tad  and  I  are  hungry ! 


ACT  I  21 

Let's  get  a  new  mama,  Taddy — one  who  is  always 
on  the  job  to  feed  us,  eh? 

Tad  (Shouting) — Yes,  I  know  who — Isabel! 

Isabel  ( Confused)—  Tad ! 

Allen  (Laughing  loudly) — Look  here,  old  man, 
you'd  better  not  be  so  prompt. 

Isabel — I  must  go.  (Hastily  going  for  her  jacket) 
I  wonder  where  my  purse  is.  (TAD  laughs.) 

( The  front  doorbell  rings,  BONG  crosses  C.  E.  to 
answer.) 

Tad — I  know  where  'tis !    I  know  where  'tis ! 

(SYDNEY  PARKER  enters.  BONG  crosses  C.  E. 
again  to  dining-room  R.  PARKER  is  precisely  the 
type  of  "not  good  enough  man"  for  a  splendid  girl 
like  ISABEL.  He  is  rather  handsome,  and  always 
fashionably  dressed.  Bred  in  the  conventional  mold, 
he  has  not  the  faintest  idea  that  he  is  not  good 
enough  for  anybody.  His  egotism  is  wholly  uncon 
scious,  the  result  of  his  perfectly  correct  upbring 
ing.) 

Isabel— Oh,  here's  Syd  ! 

Parker — I  thought  I  might  just  catch  you.  (He 
greets  ALLEN  and  TAD,  picks  up  the  purse.)  Hullo, 
what's  this? 

Tad  (Runs  to  him,  laughing  and  shoutiny)  — 
April  Fools'!  April  Fools'! 

Parker  (Catches  TAD  in  his  arms) — You  rascal! 

Isabel — My  purse !    Oh,  you  monkey ! 

Parker — It's  a  fine  night  to  walk  home,  Isabel. 

Isabel — Good !    I  need  some  air. 

(ALLEN  assists  ISABEL  with  her  jacket;  she  puts 
the  letter  in  her  jacket  pocket,  with  a  meaning  look 
at  him.) 


22  TRIAL  MARRIAGE     / 

Tad  (Whispering  to  PARKER) — You  mustn't  ask 
her  about  the  secret. 

Parker  (Who  has  noticed  the  look  between 
ALLEN  and  ISABEL) — What  secret? 

Tad—  Shuh !    /  know. 

Allen  (Aside  to  ISABEL) — That's  between  you 
and  me,  eh? 

Isabel  (Beaming) — Yes.     Good-night! 

Parker  (Eyes  ALLEN  keenly) — Good-night.  (He 
and  ISABEL  go  out  C.  E.) 

Tad  (With  a  huge  sigh) — I  think  I  like  my  own 
mama  best. 

Allen — Yes,  Taddy;  so  do  I.  Now,  you'd  bet 
ter  not  say  anything  to  mama  about  what  we  were 
talking.  She  might  feel  bad.  We  men  understand 
these  things,  you  know. 

Tad — Yes,  we  men  does.  (ALLEN  approaches 
the  couch,  TAD  becomes  anxious.) 

(FiNLAYSON  enters  L.  wearing  a  business  suit.) 

Finlayson — Say,  where's  dinner? 

Allen — Where  are  the  housewives  who  order  din 
ner? 

Finlayson — Oh,  get  in  line,  Ned!  Order  your 
own  dinner! 

Allen  (Crossly) — Well,  it  makes  me  sore.  Here 
I've  got  a  meeting — and  Carroll — (Going  C.  E.)  — 
Bong!  Oh,  Bong!  Put  dinner  on  the  table.  We 
won't  wait  any  longer. 

Bong  (Off  stage)— Allight! 

Allen — It  strikes  me  that  these  modern  notions 
are  */m:idedly  mixed.  "Order  dinner,"  yes !  That's 
all  very  fine ;  but  when  Bee  and  Jane  register  polit 
ically  to  help  make  the  laws  to  put  us  brute  males 
in  our  proper  places,  under  what  title  do  they 


ACT  I  23 

qualify?  Housewives,  Fin;  housewives,  do  you 
hear? 

Finlayson  (Lazily) — Well,  here's  their  house; 
and  they're  wives,  aren't  they?  I  don't  care  much 
when  I  get  my  food,  as  long  as  there's  plenty  of  it 
when  it  comes,  eh,  Tad? 

Tad — I'm  hungry!  Come  on,  daddy!  (Dragging 
ALLEN  toward  C.  E.) 

Allen — Wives  ought  to  be  just  as  busy  providing 
things  for  the  inner  man  as  husbands  are  providing 
raiment  for  the  outer  woman. 

Finlayson — My  dear  Ned,  don't  you  know  that 
when  a  woman  and  a  tornado  make  up  their  minds 
to  go  anywhere,  nothing  on  earth  can  stop  them  ? 

Allen — I  attend  to  my  work  during  business 
hours,  I  expect  others  to  do  the  same.  I  come 
home  a  little  late  thinking  dinner  will  be  ready  so 
I  can  get  to  a  meeting.  No  dinner — no  wife — no 
anything ! 

Finlayson — As  far  as  I  can  make  out,  the  din 
ner's  here;  so's  the  house.  The  only  thing  lacking 
is  the  wife,  exercising  the  same  privilege  of  being 
"a  little  late!" 

Allen — Well,  the  main  reason  we  set  up  this  joint 
establishment  was  to  economise  time  for  them  as 
well  as  money.  But  they  don't  seem  to  have  any 
more  time  than  they  had  before. 

Finlayson — Bromide!    "Nobody  has!" 

Allen — Oh,  you're  always  siding  with  the  women ! 
Beatrice  is  forever  holding  you  up  to  me  as  a  pat 
tern.  You're  "Johnny  on  the  spot,"  right  enough ! 

Tad  (Giving  his  father  a  series  of  jerks,  saying 
softly) — I'm  hungry — I'm  hungry! 

Finlayson — She  flatters  me.    You  see,  we've  got 


24  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

to  learn  our  proper  places.  It's  hard  on  us,  of 
course.  We're  only  "incidents,"  you  know,  in  the 
general  scheme.  What  was  it  Jane  told  me  I  was 
the  other  day?  Professor  Staticmuller  told  her. 
A — a — a — er — a  'Visualised  mental  projection,"  I 
believe  it  was.  (Airily)  You  and  I  are  just 
thoughts,  Ned,  just  thoughts! 

Allen — Oh,  shut  up !     (TAD  is  amazed.) 

Finlayson — That's  the  sort  of  gentleman  you 
want  to  be,  eh,  Tad? 

(A  Chinese  dinner-gong  sounds  off-stage.  The 
two  men  go  out  C.  E.  toward  R.  TAD  runs  ahead 
of  them,  shouting  " Dinner!  Dinner!"} 

(Immediately  the  sound  of  lively  chatter  is  heard 
in  the  entrance  hall.  JANE  FINLAYSON  and  BEA 
TRICE  ALLEN  enter  C.  E.  They  are  in  becoming 
street  attire.  MRS,  FINLAYSON  is  serious,  incon 
sistent;  but  possessed  of  higher  mentality  than  MRS. 
ALLEN,  whose  mind  is  of  a  sort  with  her  fluffy,  fair 
hair,  which  is  never  in  order.  JANE'S  hair  is  smooth 
and  dark,  and  her  serious  eyes  make  one  wish  to 
awaken  in  them  that  "responsive  gleam"  of  which 
her  husband  spoke.  They  come  to  the  center  of  the 
room,  completely  absorbed  in  their  discussion.  They 
talk  rapidly  and  simultaneously,  the  dialogue  fitting 
in  disjointedly.  TAD  rushes  back  and  swings  on  his 
mother  s  arm.  FINLAYSON  and  ALLEN  return,  and 
remain  standing  in  the  doorway.  The  two  women 
do  not  perceive  them.) 

Tad — Mama — mama ! 

Beatrice    ^Absent-mindedly    kissing   TAD) — Just 

the  same,  Jane,  he's  wonderful 

Jane — It's  all  so  vital,  so 


ACT  I  25 

Beatrice  —  I   don't  care  what  Mrs.   Potter  says, 
he  has  the  most 


jane  —  The  test  of  a  true  marriage  is  in  the  - 

Beatrice  —  He  must  have  been  terribly  unhappy 
himself.  Why,  didn't  you  notice  when  he  - 

]ane  —  He's  probably  had  an  unfortunate  love- 
affair,  and  now  he  is  trying  - 

Beatrice  —  I'm  sure  of  it!  He  can  never  have 
been  tied  to  the  ordinary  humdrum  - 

Jane  —  He  speaks  from  experience.  Only  those 
who  have  - 

Beatrice  —  That  fascinating  accent  of  his  !  It  just 
haunts  me,  and 


Jane  —  One  must  live  these  precepts  to 


Beatrice  —  Just  what  I  think.  Anyone  as  noble- 
looking  as  he  is  must  have  had  - 

jane  —  Everyone  should  have  the  chance  to  decide 
these  things  by  a  fair  trial.  Why,  what  do  we 
women  ever  - 

Beatrice  —  His  eyes  are  positively  tragic.  They 
seem  to  see  far,  far  - 

Jane  —  Up  to  now  MAN  has  - 

(They  continue  more  volubly,  indistinguishably  , 
going  R.  and  laying  down  their  handbags,  gloves, 
et  cetera.) 

Finlayson  —  What  did  I  tell  you,  Ned?  Just 
now  we're  not  even  "visible."  Let's  see  if  we  are  ! 
(Slipping  across  the  room  he  plants  himself  directly 
in  front  of  the  women.) 

Allen  —  Oh,  rot!  I'm  going  to  dinner.  (He 
starts  out;  the  women  become  aware  of  them.) 

Beatrice  (Airily)—  Oh,  hello,  boys!  Tad,  don't 
hang  so  on  mother's  arm.  (TAD  runs  to  ALLEN.) 


26  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Jane — Why,  you  have  finished  work  early  today, 
haven't  you! 

Allen  (Returning  to  C.  E.) — Early! 

Finlayson — My  watch  is  probably  wrong — every 
thing  about  me  is!  In  fact  I  don't  even  know  if  it 
is  a  watch !  Is  it,  Jane  ?  Anyway,  it  says  it's  seven 
o'clock. 

Jane — Heavens,  it  can't  be!  Rod,  you're  joking. 
Good-evening,  dear.  (Kissing  him  casually) 

Finlayson — I  was  never  more  serious,  my  treas 
ure! 

Jane — I  never  know  whether  you  are  in  earnest 
or  not. 

Finlayson — I'm  trying  to  cultivate  your  sense  of 
humor;  my  watch  is  probably  lying. 

Allen  (C.) — Well,  my  hunger  is  no  lie.  See  here, 
Beatrice,  I'm  tired  of  this.  Late  dinners  three  or 
four  nights  a  week!  When  it  isn't  a  culture  club, 
it's  a  bridge  fight.  It's  enough  to  rile  any  man ! 

Beatrice — "Three  or  four  nights!"  You're  too 
absurd,  Ned. 

Allen  (Excitedly) — That's  no  joke!  Am  I  right, 
Fin?  Haven't  we  eaten  chipped  beef,  and  dried-up 
fish,  and — and " 

Finlayson — Don't  ask  me,  I  don't  remember. 

Allen — Well,  I  remember,  and  I'm  sick  of  such  a 
bill-of-fare. 

Finlayson — Say,  Ned,  you  made  a  mistake  in 
marrying  a  wife.  What  you  really  intended  was  to 
engage  a  cook ! 

Allen  (Turning  on  him  indignantly) — Well, 
what  did  you  marry  for,  "Beau  Brummel"? 

Finlayson — I  married  a  "companion  for  my  mid 
dle-age,  and  a  nurse  for  my  declining  years." 


ACT  I  27 

Jane  (Alarmed)— Why,  Rod,  dear,  aren't  you 
well?  (He  looks  at  her  intently.)  Oh,  you  re 
joking! 

Finlayson  (Patiently)— Yes,  Jane.  In  time,  you 
know,  I  hope  to  have  you  so  responsive  that 

Jane— Time    is    all    so    fleeting— so    vaporous— 

Beatrice — If  you  men  had  something  to  think 
of — of  course,  I  suppose  you  really  do  keep  busy 
during  the  day,  Ned,  but 

J  Hen— Busy  I    Ye  Gods! 

Beatrice — In  your  leisure  moments  like  these,  I 
mean.  If  you  had  something  of  vital  importance, 
something  uplifting,  to  discuss  with  us,  for  instance ! 
Now  we 

Tad — I'm  hungry! 

Beatrice — Run  away  to  Bong  and  get  your  soup, 
Tad. 

Tad — I  want  to  eat  my  supper  with  my  daddy. 

Allen  (Shortly) — Come  on,  Fin.  (He  and  TAD 
go  out  C.  E.  toward  R.) 

Finlayson  (Helping  BEATRICE  take  off  her  coat) 
— I'm  not  hungry.  I'm  doing  something  "vital." 
What  was  the  subject  of  the  lecture  today,  Beatrice? 

Beatrice  (Solemnly) — Marriage.  Thank  you, 
Rod,  you're  so  thoughtful ! 

Finlayson — Hm!  As  serious  as  that?  No  won 
der  you  were  late! 

Jane — She  has  told  you  only  half.  Trial  Mar 
riages  were  discussed.  Oh,  it  is  a  vast,  vast  sub 
ject!  Really,  when  I  think  of  it 

Finlayson  (Helping  JANE  take  off  her  coat)  — 
Why  think  ?  You  are  all  settled  and  done  for. 

Jane  (Calmly,  taking  off  her  hat) — Oh,  no,  Rod; 


28  TRIAL  MARRIAGE     , 

that's  where  you  make  a  mistake!  We  must  not 
consider  ourselves  settled.  That  is  the  point  Pro 
fessor  Staticmuller  made. 

Beatrice — We  must  not  consider  ourselves  settled 
ever.  "All  is  subject  to  change!" 

Finlayson — Er?  You  mean  that — er — me — or 
Ned — or  any  of  us,  might  be  changed  any  time? 

Jane — Certainly;  it  is  a  law  of  nature — (gran 
diosely) — "fluid  nature." 

Finlayson  (With  pretended  seriousness} — And  is 
this  change — er — voluntary,  or  are  we  just  pitched 
helter-skelter,  "willy-nilly,"  as  the  poet  saith? 

Jane — Our  will  has  much  to  do  with  it.  All 
that  is  in  my  past,  for  instance 

Finlayson — Your  past?  Jane,  you  have  deceived 
me!  You  never  told  me  you  had  a  past! 

Jane — Don't  be  crazy,  Rod.  What  the  Pro 
fessor  means  is  this :  You  draw  your  past  and  future 
together,  and,  and 

Finlayson — And  tie  them  up  in  a  hard  knot? 

Jane — Oh,  Rod,  you  confuse  me!  And  with 
their  help  (slowly)  you  make  of  the  present  a  con 
crete  ideal.  We  must  throw  everything  out  of  the 
present  that  in  any  way  hampers  this  ideal. 

Finlayson — Including  husbands  and  wives,  eh? 

Beatrice — That's  his  idea,  and  I  thoroughly  agree 
with  him.  If  you  could  see  his  deep-set  eyes  when 
he  talks  about  it,  Rodney !  I  just  wish  you  and  Ned 
could  be  there! 

Finlayson — Christopher!     I  wish  we  could! 

Jane — We  are  going  to  try  and  arrange  a  meeting 
for  the  husbands. 

Finlayson — We  need  it,  poor  beasts!  Say,  how 
about  eating? 


i  ACT  I  29 

(EDWARD  ALLEN  enters,  C.  E.f  a  slice  of  bread 
in  his  hand.) 

Allen— -See  here,  aren't  you  ever  coming  to  din 
ner? 

Finlayson — Our  "goose  is  cooked,"  Ned;  we're 
all  to  be  changed! 

Beatrice  (Excitedly)—  It's  no  joke,  Rod  Finlay 
son.  I  believe  all  the  Professor  said.  Do  you  sup 
pose  if  I'd  had  a  chance  at  a  trial  marriage  of  six 
months,  say,  with  that  cross  old  bear,  that  he  would 
have  dared  to  make  such  a  row  because  dinner  was 
late  once  in  awhile? 

Allen — Eh?    What's  got  you  now,  Bee? 

Finlayson — Be  calm,  old  man!  She  finds  her 
marriage  with  you  a  mistake. 

(ALLEN  looks  from  one  to  the  other  in  angry  be- 
wildet*ment*) 

Beatrice  (Excitedly) — I'm  not  excited  and  I'm 
not  angry.  I'm  looking  at  the  matter  calmly  and 
sensibly,  as  he  said  we  should. 

Allen— Who  szi&t 

Beatrice — The  Professor. 

Allen  (Choking  angrily  on  his  bread) — What's 
he  got  on  me,  I'd  like  to  know! 

Jane — Not  on  you  alone;  on  any  man.  Take 
ourselves,  for  instance.  We  should  have  been  per 
fectly  free  to  change  our  minds  if  we  found  we 
were  not  suited  after  a  stated  number  of  months. 
It's  all  quite  simple. 

Finlayson — I  see.     A  sort  of  try-out,  eh? 

Beatrice — You  do  put  things  in  such  a  bald  way, 
Rod. 

Finlayson — Well,  the  whole  thing  is  rather  bald 
and  raw,  it  strikes  me. 


30  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Allen — Do  you  really  believe  in  all  that  bosh, 
Beatrice  ? 

Beatrice — Of  course  I  do !     It's  all  quite  true. 

Allen — And  you  think  if  you  keep  on  trying,  that 
you're  going  to  find  someone  who's  going  to  stand 
all  this  damned  nonsense  ?  ( There  are  little  shrieks 
from  the  Women.  What's  the  time  limit  your 
blooming  Professor  gives  you? 

Jane — He  thinks  six  months  would  be  a  fair  test. 

Allen — It's  never  too  late,  is  it?  I  wish  you'd 
hurry  on  that  husbands'  meeting!  I'd  like  to  smash 
his  old  head  for  him ! 

Beatrice — You're  just  as  mean  as  you  can  be ! 
(Beginning  to  cry.)  I  don't  want  any  dinner.  Oh, 
dear!  Oh,  dear!  (She  gathers  up  her  wraps,  and 
handbag,  and  goes  upstairs.) 

Allen  (Looking  rather  ashamed  of  himself)  — 
Well,  Jane,  I'm  sorry;  but  it  does  make  me  sore. 

Finlayson — Don't  you  want  your  dinner,  Jane? 

Jane  (Casually) — Oh,  no,  we  had  a  late  tea! 
Don't  wait  for  me.  (She  gathers  up  her  wraps,  et 
cetera,  and  goes  out  L.) 

(The  two  Men  gaze  at  each  other  in  disgust.) 

Allen — Doesn't  it  make  you  tired,  all  this  bosh 
those  men  put  into  the  women's  heads? 

Finlayson — It  isn't  all  bosh,  you  know;  but  the 
dear  souls  get  an  exaggerated  idea  of  these  new  no 
tions,  and  they'll  never  rest  until  they  give  us  a 
turn  at  being  victims. 

Allen — You're  a  queer  guy,  Fin.  Do  you  mean 
to  say  that  you  put  any  stock  in  this? 

Finlayson — There's  a  lot  of  truth  in  it,  isn't 
there?  What  did  Bee  know  about  you,  for  instance, 
when  she  married  you  ? 


ACT  I  31 

Allen  (Reluctantly}—  Oh— well! 

Finlayson — Same  here !  I  can't  say  I  knew  much 
about  Jane,  though.  Her  mother  saw  to  that. 

Allen — Well,  /  don't  see  any  sense  in  kicking  up 
all  this  rumpus.  Something's  got  to  be  done  right 
here  and  now.  Bee's  getting  too  unsettled.  I  never 
can  find  anything — always  having  to  buy  new 
shirts ! 

Finlayson — Too  bad  you  didn't  marry  a  laun 
dress  ! 

Allen — Meals  late  three  or  four  times  a  week! 

Tad  (Appearing  C.  E.,  a  chop  bone  in  his  hand, 
his  face  smeared) — Say,  daddy,  why  don't  you 
come  to  dinner? 

Allen — Damned  if  I  want  any  dinner!  Run 
along,  Tad ;  finish  your  own. 

Finlayson — Say,  Tad,  tell  Bong  to  bring  me  a 
plate  of  soup  in  here.  (He  clears  one  end  of  the 
studio  table  by  pushing  back  brushes,  papers,  et 
cetera.)  I  feel  Bohemian  tonight. 

Tad— What's  "henian"? 

Finlayson — Something  a  "real  gentleman"  never 
is,  Taddy.  (TAD  goes  out  C.  E.)  What  do  you 
say,  Ned,  to  giving  the  girls  a  try  at  their  new  idea? 

Allen — What  do  you  mean? 

Finlayson — Why,  if  they're  so  stuck  on  having  a 
change,  let's  give  it  to  them. 

Allen  (Bewildered)— Eh? 

Finlayson — Oh,  I  don't  imagine  they'd  let  us  go 
far !  But  a  little  premeditated  campaign  might  have 
a  good  effect  on  the  dinner-hour,  and  your  shirts 
might  not  go  off  on  such  long  vacations.  Taddy 
might  not  see  quite  so  much  of  Bong. 

Allen — I  don't  get  your  working  idea. 


32  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

(BONG  enters,  C.  E.f  carrying  a  plate  of  soup, 
bread,  et  cetera,  which  FINLAYSON  directs  him  to 
place  on  the  studio  table.  Exit  BONG.) 

F  inlay  son — Let's  fall  in  with  their  plan.  I  don't 
think  they  have  any,  so  that  makes  it  all  the  more 
venturesome.  (Ruminating)  Suppose — suppose — 
suppose  you  and  I  have  been  thinking  along  the 
"trial  marriage"  line  also — suppose  we've  even  gone 
so  far  as  to  be  tired  of  the  present  arrangement. 
Suppose 

Allen  (Angrily) — I'll  suppose  nothing  of  the 
sort.  You're  crazy! 

Finlayson  (Sits  and  begins  to  eat  his  soup) — Yes, 
I've  been  told  that  before — often!  Of  course  this 
will  all  be  a  huge  lie,  but  what  does  one  more  mat 
ter  after  all  we  have  told  them  ? 

Allen — I  tell  Beatrice  everything. 

Finlayson— Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  (Chokes) 

Allen — I  don't  see  the  joke. 

Finlayson  (Rising,  still  coughing) — Well,  let's 
tell  them  this  anyway.  Come,  hurry  up,  man ; 
gather  together  your  ideas  on  marriage!  Haven't 
you  any? 

Allen — Damned  if  I  know! 

Finlayson — You  see?  Beatrice  was  right,  you 
haven't  anything  "vital"  to  think  about! 

Allen — Oh,  hang! 

Finlayson — We'll  have  it  all  arranged  by  the 
time  they  come  back,  ready  to  spend  the  evening  in 
sweet  domesticity.  We're  willing  to  let  them 
change  us  if  they're  so  unhappy!  You  saw  your 
self  how  little  I,  or  the  dinner,  or  anything  else 
around  here  mattered  to  Jane.  They  both  need  a 
change  to  make  them  aware  of  us.  (Business-like) 


ACT  I  33 

Now  whom  have  you  been  thinking  about  for  sec 
ond  choice? 

Allen  (Hotly) — You  know  perfectly  well  I 
haven't  been  thinking  of  any  such  thing ! 

Finlayson — Tut,  tut,  man !  Didn't  I  see  you 
and  Isabel  Perry  collaborating  over  some  secret  this 
very  evening?  There  you  are!  Isabel's  the  very 
one — thrifty,  pretty,  slight  leaning  toward  art — not 
enough  to  matter!  Fond  of  children,  she's  the  girl 
for  you.  That's  settled! 

Allen  (With  sarcasm) — Where  does  Parker 
come  in  ? 

Finlayson — He  can  settle  his  own  affairs.  We 
can't  make  arrangements  for  everybody!  Now  for 
me — who  in  thunder?  I  like  your  nerve,  Ned; 
you've  taken  the  only  girl  in  sight! 

(BEATRICE  is  seen  descending  the  stairs.) 

Allen  (Protesting)— Here'*  Bee!  We  can't 
carry  out  any  such  fool  plan. 

Finlayson — Buck  up!  Just  watch  me!  You  fol 
low  my  lead.  All  you've  got  to  do  is  to  agree  to 
everything  I  say.  I'll  arrange  all  the  details. 

Allen  (Smoking  furiously) — All  right;  go  ahead; 
I'm  game! 

(BEATRICE  enters  C.  E.,  simultaneously  with 
JANE,  L.  BEATRICE  wears  an  injured-innocent  air. 
She  sits  R.  and  embroiders.  JANE  is  calm  and 
casual,  as  though  nothing  had  happened.  She  picks 
up  a  heavy  volume  from  the  studio  table,  and  pre 
pares  to  settle  down  with  it.  She  notices  RODNEY'S 
soup  plate  and  other  things.) 

Jane — Why,  Rod,  what  have  you  been  doing? 

Finlayson — Merely  following  my  own  inclina 
tions.  You  might  call  it  reversion  to  type,  I  sup- 


34  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

pose.  The  only  reason  I  eat  my  meals  regularly  in 
the  dining-room  is  because  you  are  supposed  to  be 
there.  ''Gather  round  the  family  board,"  that  sort 
of  thing.  But  when  you  don't  "gather,"  why,  food 
is  food  "where'er  its  home"!  Poor  old  Tad  is  do 
ing  the  "gathering"  stunt  all  by  himself  tonight! 

Allen — Humph ! 

Beatrice  (Rising  suddenly) — I  must  see  to  Tad! 
(She  goes  out  C.  E.  toward  R.  JANE  sits  and 
reads. ) 

Allen  (Throwing  himself  full  length  on  the 
couch) — Jane,  what  did  you  say  the  Prof.'s  name 
was  that  talked  to  you  today? 

(FINLAYSON  gives  ALLEN  a  warning  look,  and 
goes  back  to  his  soup.) 

Jane  (Busily  reading) — Professor  Staticmuller. 

Finlayson — You  liked  him,  you  said? 

Jane — Oh,  exceedingly!  He's  so  progressive;  but 
very  much  misunderstood.  As  he  himself  says,  he's 
quite  fifty  years  ahead  of  the  times. 

Finlayson — Oh !     Feels  lonely,  does  he  ? 

Jane — I  suppose  he  does,  poor  man!  He's  not 
too  advanced  for  me.  Why,  he  carries  me  right 
along  with  him! 

(BEATRICE  appears  C.  E.,  talking  off  to  TAD.) 

Finlayson — Is  that  so?    Hm! 

Beatrice — No,  Tad ;  I  said  only  one  piece  of  pie. 
(She  enters.)  Who  carries  you  right  along  with 
him,  Jane? 

Jane — Professor  Staticmuller. 

Beatrice  (Enthusiastically) — He's  a  dear  I 

Allen  (Puffing  furiously  at  his  cigar) — Give  us 
some  of  his  dope. 

(FINLAYSON   sends   him  another  warning  look. 


ACT  I  35 

Both  Women  begin  to  talk  at  once,  in  fragments. 
Finally  one  hears:) 

Beatrice — It  isn't  what  he  says  so  much,  as  the 
way  he  says  it — and 

Jane — This  is  one  of  his  books.    He 

Beatrice — He  has  the  most  adorable  accent  that 
ever 

Jane — If  you  would  only  take  time  to  read  this, 
Rod,  it  would  give  you  something  to  think  about. 

Finlayson — Something  "vital,"  eh?  It  looks  solid. 

Beatrice — Jane  reads  him,  but  I  am  contented 
simply  to  listen  to  him.  I  put  my  mind  into  his 
hands,  as  it  were. 

Allen — Humph ! 

Beatrice—Eh  ? 

Allen  (Sputtering) — Oh,  nothing! 

Jane — He  does  his  own  publishing.  Naturally  no 
publisher  can  be  found  who  is  progressive  enough  to 
have  faith  in  his  material. 

Finlayson — That's  where  the  publishers  make  a 
grand  mistake.  They're  all  too  conservative — a  lot 
of  old  grannies! 

Jane  (Pleased) — Why,  Rod,  how  nice  of  you! 

Beatrice — I  didn't  know  you  ever  thought  of  such 
things. 

Finlayson — On  the  contrary  my  mind  is  teeming 
with  the  new  thought  of  the  century. 

Jane— Why,  Rod! 

Finlayson — I  tell  you,  girls,  it  needed  only  this 
evening's  incidents  to  bring  to  a  flame  the  smolder 
ing  furnace  within  me! 

Jane — What  are  you  talking  about? 

Beatrice  (Enthusiastically) — I  have  always  felt 
you  had  something  in  you,  Rod. 


36  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Finlayson — I  have!  I  have!  And  Ned  and  I 
have  been  talking  things  over,  haven't  we,  Ned? 

Allen — Um-hm. 

Beatrice  and  Jane — What  things? 

Finlayson — I  don't  believe  much  in  coincidences; 
I  believe  more  in  the  projection  of  thought.  I  think 
it  must  be  that,  don't  you,  Ned? 

Allen — Yes — I — I — think  it's  that. 

(The  two  women  are  all  curiosity.) 

Finlayson — It's  immaterial  whether  you  put  the 
thought  into  our  minds  or  we  put  it  into  yours — 
just  the  same,  we've  been  thinking  along  the  same 
lines  all  unknown  to  each  other. 

Beatrice  (Breathlessly) — What  lines? 

Jane — Rod,  you're  so  slow! 

Finlayson — This  trial  marriage  stunt. 

Beatrice — Well,  what  do  you  know  about  it? 

Finlayson — Not  much,  I  must  confess;  yet  deep- 
rooted  here  in  my  chest  are  convictions  which  your 
arguments  tonight  have  clinched.  Ned  and  I 

Beatrice — I  don't  believe  Ned  has  any  deep  con 
victions  in  his  chest ;  have  you,  Ned  ? 

Allen — You  bet  I  have! 

Finlayson — You  see,  it  was  a  rather  delicate  mat 
ter  to  broach.  I  suppose  Ned  and  I  have  still  re 
maining  in  us  a  few  of  the  traditional  ideas  of  the 
old-fashioned  male.  We 

Jane — Really,  Rodney,  are  you  sure  you  had  only 
soup  for  dinner? 

Finlayson — Quite  sure,  my  dear  Jane;  and  I 
haven't  finished  that  yet.  To  come  to  the  point,  for 
you  are  evidently  as  weary  of  my  preface  as  you  are 
of  me — Ned  and  I  are — er — in  fact,  we  are  willing 


ACT  I  37 

to  be  changed.  We  were  only  waiting  for  you  to 
say  so. 

Beatrice  and  Jane — Changed? 

Allen  (Beginning  to  enjoy  the  situation) — Yes, 
anxiously  waiting,  we  might  say. 

Finlayson — Your  friend  Staticmuller — er,  pardon 
me,  that  sounds  rather  off-hand — Professor  Static 
muller — has  convinced  you  of  certain  things  by  his 
experience  of  life  fifty  years  hence.  Now  we  needed 
only  your  confirmation  of  our  thoughts.  (Hammer 
ing  his  chest)  It  takes  courage  to  be  the  pioneers 
of  any  new  movement.  We  are  willing  to  throw 
ourselves  into  this  for  the  benefit  of  posterity. 

Beatrice — What? 

Jane — What  are  you  going  to  do  ? 

Finlayson  (Enjoying  himself  hugely) — We  are 
willing  to  throw  off  the  yoke  of  convention.  We 
had  no  chance  when  we  were  younger.  We  ran  our 
heads  blindly  into  the  noose  and  thought  we  must 
stay  tied  all  our  days.  Now  comes  the  prophet 
Staticmuller  offering  us  light  along  the  new  way. 
What  if  we  didn't  try  it  at  first?  Is  it  too  late 
now?  No,  I  say — a  thousand  times,  no! 

Allen  (Making  a  noble  effort  to  help) — I  read 
somewhere  the  other  day,  "It's  never  too  late  to 
mend." 

Beatrice — Oh,  pooh! 

Jane  (Solemnly) — Beatrice,  this  is  serious.  I 
feel  that  we  are  on  the  eve  of  a  great  upheaval  in 
our  lives. 

Finlayson — Serious?  Well,  I  should  think!  You 
have  been  the  injured  victims  of  circumstances. 
Blindness  and  ignorance  landed  you  in  our  un- 


38  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

worthy  arms.  Now  we  declare  you  free,  to  choose 
whom  and  where  you  like,  leaving  us  the  same 
privilege. 

Jane  (Gasping) — Rod — I — I ! 

Beatrice — Ned!    Are  you  in  this? 

Allen — Um-hm. 

Finlayson — This  makes  it  all  very  easy  for  Ned. 
He  really  has  cut  the  path  clear  for  all  of  us.  Brave 
old  Ned!  You  wouldn't  think  it,  would  you? 

Beatrice  (Still  all  fluffy  assurance) — Ned,  what 
have  you  been  doing? 

Allen  (Sitting  up.  With  a  valiant  effort  he  out 
does  FINLAYSON.) — Oh,  nothing  much!  Merely 
choosing  your  successor. 

Beatrice  (Gasps,  and  sits  down  in  the  nearest 
chair)— What? 

(JANE  drops  her  book  with  a  thud.) 

Finlayson  (Going  to  ALLEN,  patting  him  on  the 
back) — Good  old  Ned!  You've  got  that  off  your 
chest.  It  will  be  so  much  easier  now.  It  makes  it 
so  much  easier  for  me! 

Beatrice— What  ?— What  ? 

(JANE  stands  transfixed,  gazing  at  FINLAYSON 
with  growing  suspicion.) 

Allen — That's  what  I  said. 

Finlayson — While  scientists  and  Staticmullers 
have  been  filling  books  with  these  things,  Ned  and  I 
have  been  getting  ready  to  live  them. 

Jane  (Stately  and  serious) — It's  strange  you  have 
never  given  any  indication  before  of  thinking  these 
things. 

Beatrice  (Excitedly) — I  insist  upon  knowing 
what  you  mean  right  away  !  Immediately,  I  say ! 

Finlayson — Ned,  are  you   ready  for  me  to  an- 


ACT  I  39 

nounce,  here  and  now,  the  name  of  the  one  whom 
you  feel  destiny  meant  for  you? 

Allen — Go  ahead!  I'm  sure  a  person  fifty  years 
hence  wouldn't  mind,  and  I  don't  think  Isabel  will. 

Beatrice — Isabel ! 

Jane — Isabel!  (They  gaze  at  each  other  In  con 
sternation.} 

Finlayson — Yes.  Acting  on  the  impulse  of  that 
projected  thought,  Ned  confided  her  name  to  me 
only  one  short  half-hour  ago. 

Beatrice  (Excitedly) — Ned,  this  is  a  very  poor 
joke. 

Allen  (Solemnly} — Beatrice,  forgive  me!  I  wish 
it  was  a  joke! 

The  Women — Isabel ! — Isabel ! 

Allen — That's  what  I  said. 

Beatrice  (Gradually  becoming  hysterical) — So 
this  is  what  comes  of  allowing  Isabel  Perry  to  come 
here  day  after  day,  pretending  to  take  painting  les 
sons,  staying  late  every  afternoon  so  she  could  see 
Ned  when  he  came  home,  and — and 

Jane — Beatrice,  restrain  yourself.  Don't  you 
know  that  you  will  gain  nothing  by  all  this  excite 
ment? 

Beatrice — I  guess  you'd  be  excited  too.  I  de 
mand  to  know,  Ned  Allen,  how  long  this  affair  has 
been  going  on?  Rodney,  you  have  been  here;  I 
insist  upon  knowing  all  you  know  about  it! 

Finlayson — You  must  not  ask  me  to  betray  Ned's 
confidence.  He  may  tell  you  himself.  Brace  up, 
old  man. 

Allen  (Haltingly} — You  see — all  this  would 
never  have  happened,  if  we  had  known  about  this 
scheme  earlier.  Instead  of  eight  years — you  and  I 


40  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

would  have  had  our  six  months — and  that  would 
have  been  the  end  of  it. 

Beatrice  (In  tears) — End  of  what? 

Jane — Be  calm,  dear ;  be  calm ! 

Finlayson — Yes,  be  calm!  I  have  a  surprise  in 
store  for  you.  (She  pays  no  attention  to  him.) 

Beatrice — Calm  !  I  won't  be  calm !  I  demand 
to  know  what  end  he's  talking  about!  I'll  show 
Isabel  Perry,  and  you,  too,  Ned  Allen !  How  can 
you  sit  there  and  smoke,  and  tell  me  such  things, 
and  your  innocent  child  in  there  eating  apple-pie 
and 

Allen — It  is  hard,  but  I  understood  that  Static- 
muller  had  prepared  your  mind  for  any  contingency 
that  might  arise  any  time  this  side  of  fifty  years. 

(BEATRICE  continues  to  gasp  and  sputter.) 

Jane — Oh,  he  never  comes  down  to  personalities ! 
He  is  so  broad  and  general ! 

Finlayson — I  see.  Then  we  are  ahead  of  him. 
We  are  dealing  in  personalities.  His  theories  are 
striking  us  right  where  we  live. 

Beatrice — I'm  going  right  now  to  talk  to  that 
hussy,  that  designing  little  minx!  I'll  talk  to  her 
mother  about  her;  she  ought  to  know.  Coming 
here  pretending  she's  engaged  to  a  perfectly  good 
young  man — and,  and  all  the  time  she's 

Jane  (Restraining  her) — Beatrice,  wait!  Think 
what  a  shock  it  will  be  to  Mrs.  Perry.  Be  calm. 
It  will  do  no  harm  to  wait  till  tomorrow. 

Finlayson — Yes,  wait  till  tomorrow,  Beatrice. 
Meanwhile 

Beatrice — I'm  going  now! 

Allen  (Yawning) — Oh,  wait  till  morning,  Bee! 
It's  getting  late. 


ACT  I  41 

Beatrice — Late ! 

Jane — We  must  talk  this  thing  out.  You  won't 
gain  anything  by  too  much  haste. 

Finlayson — No;  what  are  a  few  hours?  You  have 
already  waited  eight  years! 

Allen — Take  until  tomorrow  to  think  it  over, 
Bee.  Besides,  Rod  has  something  to  say  for  him 
self.  Spit  it  out !  We  were  going  to  stand  by  each 
other,  you  know. 

Jane — Rodney?  Why,  he  never  sees  anyone — 
he 

Finlayson — Ah,  how  little  you  have  understood 
me! 

Beatrice  (Breaking  away  from  JANE) — I'm  go 
ing! 

Jane — Be  calm,  dear.  Rod,  what  are  you  say 
ing? 

Finlayson — Beatrice,  stay.    You  are  in  this. 

Beatrice — Yes,  I  am  in  this !     Let  me  go,  Jane. 

Finlayson  (Impressively} — Beatrice,  I  expect  no 
response  from  you  now;  I  ask  none.  Silently  I 
have  lived  in  your  house,  have  watched  you,  com 
ing  and  going,  never  giving  me  a  thought 

Beatrice  (Beginning  to  suspect  his  meaning,  and 
growing  quiet  through  curiosity} — Why,  Rod,  I 
think  of  you  a  great  deal.  You  are  only  delaying 
me  now,  I  must  go! 

Finlayson  (Rapidly) — Haven't  you  guessed? 
Can't  you  grasp  my  meaning?  Don't  you  know 
that  you — dont  look  at  me  like  that,  Jane!  Yes, 

Beatrice,  I  feel  that  you,  that  you  alone (He 

turns  away  as  though  choked  with  emotion.} 

Jane  (Gasping,  releases  BEATRICE) — Rodney! 

Allen  (Gazing  at  BEATRICE) — Great  Scott! 


42  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Beatrice  (With  signs  of  pleased  amazement)  — 
Why,  Rodney!  Impossible! 

Finlayson  (With  shaking  voice) — Why  "impos 
sible"?  As  Jane  says,  I  have  seen  no  one.  Day 
after  day  I  slave  here  in  this  corner,  seeing  no  one, 

except  Tad  and  Isabel;  caring  for  no  one 

(With  a  comprehensive  gesture)  Now  you  all 
know  why!  (Hammering  his  chest)  Oh,  what  a 
relief  to  be  free  at  last!  To  be  relieved  of  this 
secret  burden !  Heaven  be  praised  for  Staticmuller 
and  his  wonderful  creed! 

(During  this  speech  JANE  has  drawn  away  from 
BEATRICE,  gradually  becoming  rigid.) 

Jane — Rodney ! 

Beatrice  (Slightly  triumphant,  glances  toward 
ALLEN  furtively,  and  consciously  pleased,  toward 
FINLAYSON) — Why,  Rodney — I  never  d\reamed! 
I  never  suspected  the  faintest — I  don't  know  what 
to  say! 

Finlayson  (Waxing  enthuiastic  over  his  success) 
— I  appreciate  your  feelings.  I  myself  never  knew 
before  what  to  say.  A  new-born  courage  has  come 
to  me.  I  feel  like  a  man  delivered  from  the  bond 
age  of  a — of  a 

Allen  (Shortly) — See  here,  Fin,  aren't  you  rather 
overdoing  this? 

Finlayson  (Surprised) — It  is  something  when 
once  found  cannot  be  overdone. 

Jane  (Approaching  ALLEN) — So  this — so  this  is 
what  I  am  indebted  to  you  for!  To  you,  who 
neglect  your  wife,  and  leave  her  to  wander  aim 
lessly  from  club  to  club — from 

Beatrice  (Indignantly) — Aimlessly?  No  such 
thing !  I  have  always  had  a  distinct  purpose.  You 


ACT  I  43 

know  perfectly  well  that  you  are  the  one  who  is 
aimless,  disagreeing  with  this  one  and  that  one — 
while  I 

Jane — Yes,  you!  You  believe  everything  they 
tell  you,  and  half  the  time  it  is  because  you  don't 
know  what  they're  saying,  you're  so  busy  raving 
over  their  eyes  or  their  hair — or — or 

Beatrice — You  just  take  that  back,  Jane  Finlay- 
son !  Take  it  back,  I  say ! 

Finlayson  (Aside  to  ALLEN) — We've  got  some 
thing  started,  all  right. 

Allen  (Drawing  himself  up,  turns  away,  to  FIN- 
LAYSON'S  amazement) — I  say,  Bee 

Beatrice  (Haughtily) — I  think  the  less  I  hear 
from  you,  the  better! 

Allen — Look  here,  this  has  gone  far  enough. 
I 

Jane — I  should  say  it  had ;  but  one  would  scarcely 
expect  you  to  be  the  one  to  say  so! 

(TAD  runs  in  C.  E.  He  looks  from  one  to  the 
other.  ALL  except  FINLAYSON  are  much  excited 
and  talking  loudly.) 

Allen — I  haven't  talked  half  enough.  I  have  a 
whole  lot  to  say.  I'm  going  to  lay  down  some  new 
rules  for  this  household.  Just  let  me 

Beatrice — Oh,  indeed?  Who  has  made  you  lord 
of  the  house?  Do  you  hear  that,  Jane? 

Jane — Yes,  I  hear.  Well,  it's  time  something 
was  done. 

Allen — I  seem  to  be  the  only  sane  one  in  the 
bunch.  I'm  sick  of  all  this  torn-foolery ! 

(ALL  stop,  and  gasp  for  breath.) 

Tad  (To  FINLAYSON) — Now  I  don't  know 
whether  you  or  Daddy  is  a  gemplum  ! 


44  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Finlayson — Poor  old  Tad !    It  is  a  poser ! 

Beatrice — Shuh!  We  are  just  wasting  time. 
Taddy,  run  and  get  me  my  hat  and  coat  from  off 
my  bed. 

Tad — Oh,  mama!     Don't  go  out  again! 

Beatrice — Hush  !    Do  as  I  say. 

(TAD  goes  out  C.  E.  and  upstairs,  sniffling.) 

Jane — Beatrice,  you  haven't  had  your  dinner — 

Beatrice  (Scornfully) — Dinner!  Nothing  shall 
stop  me! 

Finlayson  (Going  to  her) — Have  you  no  heart? 

Beatrice — I'll  talk  with  you  later.  I  know  where 
my  duty  lies  now.  (Going  to  the  stair  foot.) 
Taddy!  Hurry! 

(TAD  appears  reluctantly  on  the  stairs,  comes 
down,  carrying  the  hat  and  coat.  BEATRICE  goes 
hurriedly  to  the  mirror  and  puts  them  on.  TAD 
tries  to  help  her  with  the  coat.  FINLAYSON  has 
an  impulse  to  prevent  her  going,  then  refrains.) 

Tad  (In  a  loud  whisper) — Mama,  are  you  going 
after  the  letter? 

Beatrice — What  letter  ? 

Tad — The  one  Papa  gave  Isabel.  He  said  it 
was  a  secret. 

Beatrice  (With  an  awful  look  at  ALLEN) — Yes, 
Tad,  /  am! 

(BEATRICE  hurries  out  C.  E.  TAD  runs  after 
her,  setting  up  a  howl.  ALLEN  picks  him  up  in 
his  arms,  starts  out,  then  returns  with  a  distracted 
look.) 

Finlayson — Of  course,  Jane,  you  must  take  your 
own  time.  I — er 

(JANE  turns  on  him  a  look  of  freezing  dignity, 


ACT  I  45 

takes  up  her  heavy  volume  and  goes  out  L.  FIN- 
LAYSON  turns  to  ALLEN  and  begins  to  laugh  silent 
ly.  ALLEN  does  not  respond.  FINLAYSON  chokes 
between  laughs. ) 

F  inlay  son — They  came  to  it  better  than  I  thought 
they  would.  Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  How  about  it,  Ned? 
Will  you  go  after  Beatrice?  She'll  probably  take 
a  taxi.  Parker  and  Isabel  are  strolling  home  in 
the  moonlight,  so  Bee  will  arrive  first,  and  be  cool 
ing  her  heels  on  the  doorstep,  waiting  for  them. 

Allen  (With  TAD  in  his  arms,  gazes  indignantly 
at  FINLAYSON.  He  goes  toward  C.  E.) — I  should 
imagine  you  were  the  one  to  go  after  her!  (He 
goes  upstairs,  a  much  injured  man.) 

Fmlayson  (Pauses  a  moment  in  bewildered  as 
tonishment) — Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  (Going  to  the  studio 
table  he  surveys  his  cold  soup,  then  yells)  Bong! 
Oh,  Bong!  (At  C.  E.)  Bong!  Bring  me  some 
hot  soup.  (He  continues  to  laugh.) 

(BoNG  appears  C.  E.) 

Fmlayson — Hot  soup,  Bong;  all  cold. 

(BoNG  goes  out,  FINLAYSON  ruminates,  takes  up 
the  telephone  directory,  searches  for  a  name.  BONG 
returns  with  the  soup.) 

Say,  Bong,  you  know  where  Miss  Perry  lives? 

Bon ff— Who  Miss  Pelly? 

Finlayson — Young  lady — Isabel — Miss  Perry. 
.(Indicating  the  typewriter) 

Bong — O — o — oh!  Miss  Pelly.  I  no  know 
where  lib. 

Finlayson — Hm!  No,  of  course  not.  (Search 
ing  in  the  directory)  Perry — Perry — Charles, 
Daniel,  Henry — I — here  we  are — Isabel!  Great 
girl,  to  have  it  in  her  own  name !  All  right,  Bong, 


46  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

never  mind.     (He  begins  rapidly  to  eat  his  soup.) 
Phew !    This  is  hot ! 

(BoNG  goes  out  C.  E.  ALLEN  enters  C.  E.  He 
goes  furiously  to  the  table  R.,  takes  a  cigar  out  of  a 
box  on  the  table,  lights  it,  puts  on  his  overcoat  from 
the  hall-stand,  and  takes  his  hat.) 

Finlayson  ( Cheerfully )  — Going  out  ? 

Allen — No!    I'm  going  to  bed! 

(He  goes  out  C.  E.  to  left.  The  front  door  is 
heard  to  slam.) 

Finlayson — Phew!  (He  finished  his  soup,  rises 
leisurely,  starts  toward  the  hall-stand,  then  remem 
bers  something  he  wants  in  his  room,  and  goes 
quickly  L.  He  meets  JANE  entering  L.  FINLAY 
SON  bows  low;  she  passes  him  haughtily.  He  goes 
out  L.) 

Jane  (Goes  to  the  couch  and  seats  herself  with 
much  dignity.  She  notices  TAD'S  package,  picks  it 
up,  opens  it,  and  discovers  a  lot  of  old  rags  with  a 
paper  pinned  to  them.  She  reads) — "April  Fools'!' 
(A  light  breaks  over  her  face.)  "April  Fools'!" 
(She  begins  to  laugh  quietly.  She  sees  FINLAYSON'S 
plot.  An  idea  comes  to  her.  She  looks  about,  then 
picks  up  the  book  she  has  been  carrying.  She  looks 
on  the  fly-leaf.)  Henrik  Staticmuller !  (She  goes 
to  the  telephone  directory,  looks  up  an  address,  takes 
up  the  'phone  and  calls  quietly:)  Hello! — Walnut 
6578  please.  Yes,  Walnut. — Is  this  Walnut  6578? 
Professor  Staticmuller? — Oh,  Professor,  this  is 
Mrs.  Finlayson — (Very  softly  and  distinctly,  as  she 
is  afraid  of  being  heard)  Mrs.  Fin-lay-son.  Yes, 
that's  right.  Could  I  see  you  a  few  minutes  this 
evening? — Oh,  no!  (Embarrassed)  If  you  could 
come  to  the  house  of  a  friend  of  mine,  a  friend, 


ACT  I  47 

yes! — She  has  an  idea — Oh,  no!  An  idea,  I  said, 
not  my  dear. — My  friend  has  an  idea  that  will  work 
well  into  one  of  your  lectures. — Yes. — Oh,  yes,  she's 
much  interested  in  the  meeting  for  husbands.  Yes. — 
Can  you  be  there  in  about  half  an  hour? — Oh, 
thank  you,  I  couldn't  think  of  troubling  you !  I'll 
meet  you  there.  Her  number  is  916  Washington 
Street. — Miss  Perry,  P-e-r-r-y. — Yes. — I'm  just 
leaving  in  a  moment.  Good-by.  (She  hangs  up  the 
'phone,  returns  to  the  couch  and  pretends  to  read. 
She  looks  impatiently  toward  L.) 

(FINLAYSON  enters  L.  He  wears  his  overcoat. 
JANE  glances  up  coldly,  but  continues  reading.  FIN 
LAYSON  jauntily  lights  his  pipe  beside  the  studio 
table.  He  takes  his  hat  from  the  hall-stand,  whist 
ling  cheerfully.) 

Finlayson — I'm  going  out  a  little  while,  Jane. 

Jane — Yes?  Very  well.  (She  gives  a  huge 
sigh.) 

Finlayson — Eh  ? 

Jane — I'm  thinking  of  poor,  dear  little  Mrs. 
Perry.  She's  not  strong,  you  know.  A  shock  like 
that  might  be  very  bad  for  her. 

Finlayson — Great  Scott!  I  forgot  all  about  her. 
(He  goes  out  hastily,  C.  E.  to  left.) 

(JANE  laughs,  and  goes  out  L.  BONG  enters, 
C.  E.  He  looks  about.  JANE  reenters,  hastily  put 
ting  on  her  hat  and  coat.) 

Jane — Turn  down  the  lights,  Bong;  we're  all 
out  for  awhile.  (She  stands  for  a  moment  at  the 
foot  of  the  stairs,  and  listens.)  Poor  little  kiddie! 
(She  goes  out  C.  E.  to  left.) 

(BoNG  turns  off  the  living-room  lights.  Loud 
cries  are  heard  from  TAD  upstairs.) 


48  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Tad  (Running  downstairs ',  clad  in  pajamas,  cry 
ing  )  — Mommer-r-r !  Popper-r-r-r  ! 

Bong  —  Shuh !  —  Shuh !  —  Shuh !— Aplil  Fools' ! 
Aplil  Fools'!  (He  takes  TAD'S  hand.}  You  likee 
pie?  Huh?  You  likee  pie?— Aplil  Fools'! 

(He  leads  TAD  off  C.  E.  toward  R.  TAD  is 
howling  as  the  Curtain  falls.) 


ACT  II 

SCENE:  MRS.  PERRY'S  sitting-room.  The  en 
trances  afe  at  center  and  right.  The  room  is 
simply  but  cosily  furnished.  On  the  walls  are 
a  number  of  paintings  and  sketches,  both 
framed  and  unframed.  MRS.  PERRY  is  dis 
covered  sitting  beside  the  table  lamp,  busily 
tatting.  She  is  elderly,  quiet,  and  sweet-look 
ing.  She  glances  at  the  clock.  It  strikes  eight. 
She  murmurs  to  herself,  counting:  "One — • 
$wo< — three — four — five — loop,  one — two — f 

three "     The  door-bell  rings,  MRS  PERRY 

answers. 

(BEATRICE  ALLEN  enters  C.  E.,  excitedly,  hur 
riedly,  followed  by  MRS.  PERRY.) 

Mrs.  Perry — Good-evening.    What  do  you  wish, 
please? 

Beatrice — Is  this  Mrs.  Perry?    Yes,  I  thought  so. 
Mrs.  Perry — Yes,   I   am   Mrs.   Perry.     Do  you 
wish  to  see  my  daughter? 

Beatrice — Yes,  Mrs.  Perry,  I  do  wish  to  see  your 
daughter,  but  first  I  would  like  to  talk  with  you. 

Mrs.  Perry  (Sweetly  polite,  but  a  trifle  haughty) 
— I  don't  know  you,  do  I? 

Beatrice — I  beg  your  pardon;  I  am  Mrs.  Allen, 
Mrs.  Edward  Allen,  you  know. 

Mrs.  Perry — Oh,   Mrs.  Allen!     Do  sit   down. 
49 


50  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Of  course  I  have  heard  of  you  often.  Isabel  is  so 
fond  of  your  dear  little  boy. 

Beatrice  (Shortly) — Yes,  I  believe  so.  (She 
sits. ) 

Mrs.  Perry  (Sits  down  in  her  former  chair,  and 
resumes  her  tatting) — Mr.  Allen  has  been  so  kind 
to  my  Isabel.  He  and  Mr.  Finlayson 

Beatrice — Yes,  I  have  heard  of  that  too.  In  fact, 
it  is  just  that  I  have  come  about. 

Mrs.  Perry — I  don't  understand  you,  Mrs.  Allen. 
Suppose  we  wait  until  Isabel  comes,  then  we  can 
talk  it  over.  Do  you  tat? 

Beatrice — I  wish  to  have  a  private  talk  with  you 
before  your  daughter  comes.  Is  she  often  as  late 
as  this. 

Mrs.  Perry — Yes,  quite  often.  One — two — 
three — four — five — loop.  One — two — three — four 

Beatrice — So  I  have  heard.  She  seems  to  be  a 
very  industrious  girl! 

Mrs.  Perry — There's  no  one  like  my  Isabel.  She 
works  faithfully  at  whatever  she  undertakes. 

Beatrice  (Sneeringly) — Even  if  it  makes  her  late 
for  dinner,  eh? 

Mrs.  Perry — Yes;  but  I  always  keep  her  dinner 
nice  and  hot  for  her  in  the  fireless  cooker. 

Beatrice  (Walking  about) — Mrs.  Perry,  I  have 
come  here  for  your  daughter's  own  good;  to  tell 
you  things  you  ought  to  hear. 

Mrs.  Perry  (Nervously) — I  wish  Isabel  would 
come!  (Trying  to  be  entertaining)  Have  you 
seen  those  nice,  little  crash  face  towels?  I  am 
making  this  tatting  for  one  of  them. 


ACT  II  51 

Beatrice  (Nonplussed) — Yes,  I  have  seen  them. 
I  have  made  dozens  of  them. 

Mrs.  Perry — They  are  so  handy.  I  am  making 
a  set  for  Isabel.  One — two — three — four — five — 
loop.  One — two 

Beatrice — Mrs.  Perry,  you  ought  to  know  what 
your  daughter's  practices  are.  (MRS.  PERRY  is 
startled.)  I  hate  to  startle  you,  but  what  am  I  to 
do?  Your  Isabel  has  been  coming  day  after  day  to 
study  art — oh,  yes,  art!  (She  glances  at  the  paint 
ings  on  the  walls.)  Art,  mind  you,  with  Rodney 
Finlayson ! 

Mrs.  Perry  (With  pride) — Yes,  that's  true. 

Beatrice — Well,  how  has  she  been  spending  that 
time?  I  want  you  to  know! 

Mrs.  Perry  (Bewildered) — My  dear!  I  don't 
know.  I  wish  you  would  wait  till  Isabel  comes. 
She  could  tell  you  what  you  want  to  know,  I  am 
sure.  Is  it  about  your  little  boy  you  wish  to  speak  ? 
I  know  you  wish  her  to  look  out  for  him  a  little 
when  you  are  away  from  home. 

Beatrice  (Impatiently) — No,  no!  Though  heaven 
knows  what  perfidy  that  child  has  heard! 

Mrs.  Perry  —  One  —  two — three — four — five — 
loop.  One — two — three 

Beatrice — You  say  your  daughter  is  often  late? 
Well,  she  stays  to  see  my  husband,  Mrs.  Perry — 
yes,  my  husband! 

Mrs.  Perry  (Becomes  very  dignified,  and  drops 
her  tatting  in  her  lap) — Your  husband!  Explain 
yourself,  Mrs.  Allen. 

Beatrice — All  these  afternoons  when  she  has  been 
"quite  late,"  as  you  say,  she  has  loitered  around  the 


52  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

studio  under  pretense  of  painting,  or  looking  after 
Tad,  or  copying  letters  for  Rod  Finlayson,  and  all 
the  time  it  was  my  husband  she  was  waiting  for! 

Mrs.  Perry — Mrs.  Allen!  (Rising  solemnly) 
You  are  a  wicked  woman.  (There  is  a  sound  of 
some  one  entering  the  hall.)  I  hear  my  daughter 
coming.  (Going  C.  E.)  Isabel — Isabel,  come  in, 
dear.  We  have  a  visitor. 

(ISABEL  and  PARKER  enter  C.  E.) 

Isabel — Why,  Mrs.  Allen  !  What  an  unexpected 
pleasure!  (She  offers  her  hand,  which  MRS.  PERRY 
intercepts  by  stepping  up  and  kissing  ISABEL.)  Have 
you  met  Mr.  Parker?  Mrs.  Allen — Mr.  Parker. 
(They  bow.) 

Parker — How  are  you,  Mrs.  Perry?  (They 
shake  hands  while  BEATRICE  and  ISABEL  eye  each 
other.  PARKER  places  his  hat  and  overcoat  aside.) 

Isabel — Mother  has  so  often  heard  me  speak  of 
you,  Mrs.  Allen. 

Beatrice  (Excitedly) — No  doubt!  It  is  time  now 
to  speak  of  you! 

Isabel — Mrs.  Allen!  What  has  happened?  (She 
is  taking  off  her  jacket;  it  catches  somewhere.)  Syd, 
please  help  me  with  this.  (As  he  helps  her,  the  note 
which  ALLEN  has  given  her  falls  out  of  the  pocket. 
She  snatches  at  it;  PARKER  picks  it  up.  ISABEL  is 
confused.)  That's — er — oh,  give  it  to  me,  Syd! 

Beatrice  (Quickly) — Kindly  allow  me  to  glance 
at  that  envelope,  Mr.  Parker.  (ISABEL  demurs  in 
voluntarily.)  Oh,  you  needn't  be  afraid,  Miss 
Perry,  I'm  not  going  to  open  it!  (She  looks  at  the 
envelope  in  PARKER'S  hand. )  I  thought  so !  My 
husband's  handwriting,  Mr.  Parker. 

Parker — I  must  confess  I  don't  understand  what 


ACT  II  53 

this  is  all  about.     Will  one  of  you  kindly  explain? 

(He  g'wes  ISABEL  the  letter,  which  she  places,  in 
dignified  silence,  in  her  jacket  pocket,  hastily  re 
moves  her  hat,  and  places  both  on  a  chair.) 

Mrs.  Perry — Yes,  please  be  good  enough,  Mrs. 
Allen.  You  began  telling  me  something  I  cannot 
believe. 

Beatrice — Oh,  no,  nobody  ever  believes  these 
things!  Yet  the  newspapers  are  full  of  them!  I 
never  thought  they  would  happen  to  me,  though ; 
oh,  I  never,  never  did!  (Becoming  hysterical) 
How  can  you  stand  there,  Isabel  Perry,  and  look 
me  in  the  face? 

Isabel  (Amazed) — Mrs.  Allen!  What  do  you 
mean  ?  Sydney ! 

(PARKER  tries  to  break  in;  he  is  worried  about 
the  note,  but  BEATRICE  continues.) 

Beatrice — This  is  what  we  women  get  for  im 
proving  ourselves,  and  trying  to  make  something  of 
our  lives.  You — sweet,  simple,  little 

Mrs.  Perry  (Taking  ISABEL'S  hand) — Mrs.  Al 
len,  I  forbid  you  to  address  my  daughter  in  that 
tone.  Kindly  carry  on  your  conversation  with  me. 

Isabel — Mama,  dear,  I  am  quite  able  to  talk. 

Beatrice — What  I  have  to  say  concerns  all  of  you. 

Mrs.  Perry — I  am  waiting  for  you  to  tell  me 
wrhy  you  have  come  here  to  insult  my  daughter. 

Isabel — Mother  dear! 

Mrs.  Perry — Yes,  insult.  Oh,  you  don't  know, 
my  dear,  what  she  has  been  saying!  Well,  Mrs. 
Allen? 

Beatrice — I  suppose  you  don't  know,  Miss  Perry, 
that  I  am  quite  aware  of  your  coming  home  late 
every  evening — of  your  pretense  of  art — of  your, 


54  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

well,  just  ask  Mr.  Finlayson  what  he  thinks  about 
it — or  ask  Mr.  Allen — yes,  just  ask  my  husband! 

Isabel — I  don't  know  what  you  mean.  Did  I 
neglect  Tad?  Has  anything  happened  to  him? 

Mrs.  Perry — Hush,  my  dear;  let  me  speak.  Kind 
ly  make  your  story  short,  Mrs.  Allen.  I  am  wait 
ing. 

Beatrice — My  husband  has  had  the  effrontery 
this  very  evening  to  confess,  no,  not  to  confess,  to 
brazenly  proclaim,  that  you,  you,  Isabel  Perry,  are 
his  choice  for  my  successor ! 

Isabel  (Gasping) — Mrs.  Allen! 

Mrs.  Perry — Oh!  Why (Turning  indig 
nantly  to  PARKER)  How  dare  you  allow  this 
woman  to  remain  in  the  same  room  with  Isabel? 
(MRS.  PERRY  begins  to  grow  weak  from  agitation.) 

Isabel — Mother,  Syd  can  do  nothing.  Let  me 
manage  this — this  crazy  woman.  (PARKER  looks 
at  her  queerly.)  What  is  the  matter,  Sydney? 

Parker — Isabel,  this  is  certainly  very  strange.  You 
are  keeping  something  from  me. 

Isabel — Sydney ! 

Parker — All  the  way  home  you  have  treated  me 
queerly. 

Isabel — Why,  Syd,  surely  you  are  mistaken ! 
(MRS.  PERRY  clutches  her  arm,  and  sways  a  little.) 
Mother,  you  are  tired.  You  must  come  and  lie 
down.  (Guiding  her  to  the  door,  R.,  MRS.  PERRY 
protesting.)  Perhaps  Mrs.  Allen  and  Mr.  Parker 
can  find  a  congenial  topic  of  conversation  until  I 
return!  (She  delivers  this  sentence  with  mild  sar 
casm,  and  goes  out  with  MRS.  PERRY  R.) 

Beatrice  (Laughing  wildly) — No  doubt  we  can! 


ACT  II  55 

Parker — This  knocks  me  all  out,  Mrs.  Allen.  I 
don't  know  what  to  do  or  say. 

Beatrice — You  may  be  thankful  that  you  are  not 
married  to  Isabel.  Look  at  me — tied  up  irrevoca 
bly! 

Parker — •!  cannot  believe  it — yet — when  I  think 
of  her  strange  actions  this  evening,  that  letter,  and 
little  Tad's  warning  about  a  secret ! 

Beatrice — Ah,  yes,  that  secret!  They  evidently 
have  a  secret  understanding. 

Parker — It  certainly  looks  like  it. 

Beatrice — Tell  me  just  what  happened.  Were 
you  at  the  house?  Were  they  together? 

Parker  (Solemnly)— Yes. 

Beatrice — Alone  ? 

Parker — Your  little  Tad  was  there. 

Beatrice — My  innocent  lamb !  Where  was  Rod 
Finlayson  ? 

Parker — I  don't  know.  There  was  no  sign  of 
him  around. 

Beatrice — Well  ?  Go  on  !  Go  on !  Did  you 
notice  anything  unusual? 

Parker — Well,  I  must  say  that  both  your  husband 
and  Isabel  seemed  decidedly  confused.  My  appear 
ance  on  the  scene  evidently  interrupted  something. 

Beatrice — And  the  letter — the  letter!  What 
about  that? 

Parker — I  didn't  attach  any  importance  to  the 
letter  until  she  dropped  it ;  but  the  glances  they  ex 
changed  when  they  bade  each  other  good-by  were 
enough  to 

Beatrice — Yes!  And  Taddy,  he  knew  about  the 
letter — he  told  me  about  it. 


56  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Parker — And  he  warned  me  not  to  ask  about  the 
secret ! 

Beatrice — It's  all  as  plain  as  day !     Oh — oh- — oh  ! 

(ISABEL  enters  R.    She  stands  looking  at  them.) 

Isabel— Vf  till 

Beatrice — We  were  just  wondering  ^well,"  also! 

Isabel — Sydney!  Surely  you  cannot  believe  any 
of  this. 

Parker — Well,  Isabel,  you  know  it  is  very  strange 
that  you  have  not  allowed  me  to  announce  our  en 
gagement.  Then  tonight  it  was  plain  to  be  seen 
that  you  and  Mr.  Allen  had  an  understanding  of 
some  sort.  Even  little  Tad 

Beatrice  (Triumphantly^) — Yes,  deny  that,  if 
you  can !  Children  speak  the  truth ! 

Isabel — It  is  an  old  saying,  yes,  but  you  have  left 
out  part  of  it.  (Sarcastically)  Children  repeat 
what  they  see  without  understanding;  fools  do  the 
same. 

Beatrice — So  I  am  a  fool,  am  I  ?  I  am  beginning 
to  think  I  am !  Oh,  how  could  I  have  been  so 
dense !  No  wonder  Ned  has  been  getting  home  be 
fore  me  evening  after  evening,  pretending  I  was 
late,  and  kicking  up  all  sorts  of  a  row,  when  all 
the  time  he  was  the  one  that  was  too  early.  Mr. 
Parker,  what  time  was  it  when  you  arrived  there? 

Parker — I  really  don't  know.  About  six-thirty, 
I  think. 

Isabel  (With  a  pointed  look  at  BEATRICE) — It 
was  nearer  seven. 

Parker — Mr.  Allen  had  evidently  been  home 
some  time,  and  was  enjoying  himself  hugely  as  far 
as  I  could  see. 

Isabel  (Much  hurt) — Very  well,  Sydney,  if  you 


/         ACT  II  57 

believe  these  things  so  easily,  continue  to  believe 
them.  Meanwhile  I'll  bid  you  both  good-evening. 
Perhaps  Mrs.  Allen  will  enlighten  you  as  to  all  the 
particulars  on  the  way  home;  I  am  not  conversant 
with  them.  Good-evening! 

(She  starts  out  toward  R.  The  doorbell  rings, 
she  answers,  and  ushers  in  RODNEY  FINLAYSON. 
He  is  slightly  out  of  breath,  but  debonair,  as 
usual.) 

Isabel  (As  they  enter)  —  Mr.  Finlayson! 

Beatrice  —  Rodney  ! 

(PARKER  looks  his  surprise.) 

Finlayson  —  I  am  sure  you  are  surprised  at  this 
unexpected  call,  Miss  Perry,  but  I  am  a  little  bit 
of  a  "henian,"  as  Tad  says,  and  - 


Finlayson  —  "Bohemian,"  is  my  pronunciation. 
Tad  prefers  the  other.  Hello,  Bee,  are  you  here? 
What  a  charming  surprise  !  And  Parker  too  !  This 
is  great.  (He  takes  off  his  overcoat  and  lays  it  non 
chalantly  aside  with  his  hat.) 

Isabel  —  Was  there  something  you  wanted  me  to 
do  for  you  ? 

Finlayson  —  Oh,  no,  no!  Merely  a  social  visit. 
I  am  a  sociable  being,  as,  no  doubt  you  know. 

Isabel  (Murmurs,  not  knowing  what  to  do)  — 
You  are  always  very  kind. 

Finlayson  —  Your  mother  is  well,  I  hope. 

Isabel  —  Not  very  well  this  evening.  (Glancing 
at  the  others) 

Finlayson  —  It  was  really  solicitude  for  her  that 
brought  me.  I  was  out,  taking  a  little  run  around, 
so  I  dropped  in  to  inquire.  I  suppose  that  is  what 
Mrs.  Allen  came  for,  eh,  Bee? 


58  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Beatrice  (Self-consciously) — You  are  too  absurd, 
Rodney.  You  know  why  I  came. 

Isabel — Mrs.  Allen  !     Surely  you 

Beatrice — I  have  accomplished  my  errand,  and 
now  if  Mr.  Parker  will  kindly  call  a  taxi  for  me  I 
shall  not  burden  you  with  my  society  any  longer. 
(She  turns  to  PARKER  who  assists  her  with  her 
coat;  she  talking  volubly.) 

Isabel — I  have  already  said  good-evening  to  you 
both. 

Finlayson  (In  a  quick  aside  to  ISABEL) — Brace 
up !  It's  all  a  hoax.  I  started  it.  There's  nothing 
to  it. 

Isabel — You — what  ? 

Finlayson — What  day  of  the  month  is  this? 

Isabel — The  first  of — oh,  April  Fools'! 

Finlayson — Yes,  I  started  Bee  off;  didn't  think  it 
would  go  so  far.  Shuh !  It  will  be  all  right. 
Sense  of  humor,  you  know ;  sense  of  humor ! 

(ISABEL,  though  still  hurt  at  PARKER,  follows 
FINLAYSON'S  lead.) 

Beatrice  (C.  E.) — Good-evening. 

Parker  (C.  E.) — Good-evening. 

Isabel — Shall  I  see  you  later,  Sydney? 

Parker  (Stiffly) — I  believe  you  dismissed  me 
some  time  ago. 

Finlayson  (Gaily) — By  the  way,  I  wonder  what 
has  become  of  Ned!  He  left  home  quite  a  while 
before  I  did,  with  one  of  his  facetious  remarks.  He's 
always  so  apropos,  is  old  Ned!  I  got  an  idea  he 
was  coming  here. 

Beatrice — No  doubt  he  was.  Shall  we  go,  Mr. 
Parker?  (They  go  out  C.  E.) 


ACT  II  59 

(There  is  a  ring  at  the  doorbell.  ISABEL  starts 
toward  C.  E.  PARKER  has  reached  the  house  door, 
and  opens  it.  EDWARD  ALLEN  enters.  He  is  in  a 
towering  rage.  His  voice  is  heard  from  the  hall, 
before  he  appears.) 

Allen — Oh,  there  you  are,  Mrs.  Allen!  I  have 
come  to  take  you  home. 

Beatrice  (Shrilly,  in  the  hall) — Have  you  in 
deed?  Well,  you  might  have  spared  yourself  the 
trouble. 

Isabel  (Looking  out  into  the  hall) — Oh,  please, 
please ! 

(ALLEN,  BEATRICE  and  PARKER  appear  C.  E.) 

Parker  (Haughtily) — I  am  about  to  escort  Mrs. 
Allen  home. 

Allen — Who  are  you,  I  should  like  to  know,  that 
you  should  escort  my  wife  home? 

Parker — Who  are  you,  I  should  like  to  know, 
that 

Finlayson  (Holding  up  his  hand,  drawling) — 
Shuh — shuh!  Come  in,  all  of  you.  If  you  must 
fight  it  out,  at  least  remember  that  you  are  ladies 
and  gentlemen,  and  fight  in  the  drawing-room  where 
there  is  more  floor  space ! 

(They  reluctantly  enter,  glowering  at  each  other. 
Curiosity  brings  BEATRICE.) 

Allen  (To  FINLAYSON) — What  are  you  doing 
here? 

Finlayson — I  might  ask  that  of  you. 

Allen — You  didn't  say  that  you  were  going  out. 

Finlayson — You  told  me  you  were  going  to  bed ! 

Allen — So  you  meet  Beatrice  down  here,  do  you? 

Finlayson   (Amazed) — Eh? 


60  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Allen — Just  what  I  said.  It's  like  your  smooth 
ness,  getting  me  involved  in  a  plot  to  cover  your 
own  underhand  doings! 

Finlayson — Well,  of  all  the !  Great  Scott — 

what  a  mess!  Will  you  listen  to  me? 

Allen  (Shouting) — No,  I  won't  listen  to  you! 
Beatrice,  are  you  coming?  What  are  you  waiting 
for? 

Beatrice  (Shrilly) — No,  I'm  not  coming  with 
you.  What  do  you  take  me  for?  Why  should  I 
come  with  you? 

Allen — Why  should  you?  I  am  your  legal  pro 
tector,  amn't  I?  Can  you  beat  it?  "Why  should 
you?" 

Beatrice — Where  have  you  been  all  this  time 
then?  I've  been  here  at  least  half  an  hour.  You 
haven't  been  in  much  of  a  hurry. 

Allen — Could  I  help  it  if  my  taxi  took  the  wheel 
off  another  car,  and  delayed  all  the  traffic  on  the 
street?  Could  I  help  that,  I  say?  Oh,  yes,  of 
course  I  could !  There  isn't  anything  that  we  men 
are  not  expected  to  do,  from  cooking  a  dinner  to 
settling  a  traffic  riot  on  Market  Street! 

Finlayson — My  word,  that's  interesting!  Isn't 
it  queer  how  a  man's  wife  is  never  with  him  in 
a  taxi  accident !  What  was  her  name,  Ned  ? 

Allen  (Blustering) — B-r-r-r !  I've  had  just 

about  enough  from  you. 

Finlayson — Yet  I  am  the  only  person  who  can 
set  you  right  on  this. 

Allen   (Sneering) — Sort  of  a  Solomon,  are  you? 

Finlayson — Come  to  think  of  it,  Solomon  and  I 
are  kindred  spirits.  He  was  a  hopelessly  married 


ACT  II  61 

man  too !  (He  sends  a  whimsical  glance  toward 
BEATRICE.  She  is  self-conscious.) 

Parker  (Who  has  been  trying  to  get  in  a  word 
for  some  time) — There  is  no  further  reason  for  my 
remaining  here.  Good-evening,  Mrs.  Allen.  If  at 
any  time  I  can  be  of  any  assistance  just  let  me  know. 

Beatrice — You  are  so  kind ! 

(PARKER  goes  out  hurriedly,  C.  E.,  forgetting 
his  overcoat.  BEATRICE  and  ALLEN  continue  to 
argue  aside.) 

Isabel — Sydney ! 

Finlayson — Let  him  go.  He'll  be  back  tomorrow 
— if  you  want  him  ! 

Isabel  (Indignantly) — Of  course  I  want  him! 
But,  oh,  I  am  mad  at  him ! 

Finlayson — Naturally  no  girl  cares  for  a  lover 
who  isn't  able  to  hold  his  own. 

Isabel — I  do  care  for  Syd.  But  he  ought  to  have 
more  faith  in  me. 

Finlayson — He'll  be  around  tomorrow,  as  meek 
as  a  lamb,  you'll  see!  I  promise  you  I'll  spend  all 
day  straightening  this  thing  out. 

Allen — Once  more,  Mrs.  Allen,  are  you  coming? 

Beatrice — No — and  stop  calling  me  Mrs.  Allen  ! 

Allen — I'll  call  you  exactly  what  I  damn  please! 

Beatrice  (Beginning  to  cry) — O — o — oh!  In 
all  my  life  I've  never  been  sworn  at  before ! 

Allen — It  would  have  been  better  for  you  if  you 
had!  Damn,  damn,  damn,  I  say! 

Finlayson — Ned !  Ned  !  Kindly  remember  that 
you  are  not  in  the  sanctity  of  your  own  home! 

(ISABEL  approaches  ALLEN  protestingly.  He 
calms  down  somewhat,  and  stands  near  C.  E.,  look- 


62  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

ing  commandingly  at  BEATRICE.  The  telephone 
rings,  ISABEL  answers.) 

Isabel  (At  telephone)— Yes  ?— Who  ?—  (Puz 
zled)  Yes,  this  is  Mrs.  Perry's  house. — I  don't 
understand  you.  (Hitting  the  phone)  That's  bet 
ter.  Whom  did  you  say? — What  car? — (Turning 
to  the  others)  I  can't  make  out  what  he  says;  he 
sounds  Dutch.  (To  phone)  You  take  car  21,  yes, 
to  get  here.  (To  others)  Good  gracious!  I'm 
giving  a  strange  man  directions  how  to  get  here ! — 
(To  phone)  Mrs.  Who?— Mrs.  Finlayson?  (All 
start) — Oh,  yes!  To  meet — Who  is  this,  please? 
—Who?— Oh!— Very  well.  Good-by.  (She  hangs 
up,  and  turns  in  amazement  to  FINLAYSON.)  It's 
Professor  Staticmuller !  He  is  coming  here  to  meet 
Mrs.  Finlayson.  Did  you  ever?  He's  lost.  He'll 
be  here  in  a  few  minutes. 

Finlayson — Well — what  do  you  know  about 
that?  (He  sinks  into  a  chair  in  amazement.  The 
others  show  their  astonishment.) 

Beatrice — Professor  Staticmuller ! 

Allen — That  settles  it!  I  wait  here  for  that 
scoundrel !  (He  takes  off  his  overcoat  and  sits  down 
to  wait.) 

Beatrice  (Looking  at  FINLAYSON) — I  think  I'll 
go! 

Finlayson — Don't  hurry  away  on  my  account.  I 
seem  to  be  here  for  awhile;  my  wife  may  need  a 
chaperone! 

Isabel  (Spiritedly,  with  light  sarcasm) — Please 
make  yourselves  at  home!  My  duty  as  hostess 
seems  to  have  been  quite  taken  out  of  my  hands.  I 
think  I  shall  leave  you  to  manage  the  rest  of  this 
affair  as  you  consider  best.  ( The  door  R.  suddenly 


ACT  II  63 

opens,  MRS.  PERRY,  in  dressing-gown  and  slippers, 
appears  on  the  threshold.)  Mama!  (ISABEL  runs 
to  her.) 

Mrs.  Perry — Did  you  call  me,  darling? 

Isabel — Why,  no,  mama.  Don't  you  think  you'd 
better  go  back?  (MRS.  PERRY  insists  upon  coming 
in.  FINLAYSON  assists  her  to  the  couch.)  This  is 
Mr.  Finlayson,  mama. 

Mrs.  Perry  (Surveying  them  all) — Good-eve 
ning,  Mr.  Finlayson.  Where  is  Sydney? 

Isabel — He  went  away,  mama. 

Mrs.  Perry — And  you  let  him  go  ? 

Isabel — Certainly. 

Finlayson  (Innocently) — He  is  coming  back  to 
morrow. 

Mrs.  Perry  (Looking  at  ALLEN,  who  has  risen) 
— Who  is  this  gentleman? 

Isabel — Excuse  me,  mama;  this  is  Mr.  Allen. 

Allen  (Choking  down  his  anger  as  best  he  can) 
— Good-evening,  Mrs.  Perry;  pleased  to  meet  you. 

Mrs.  Perry — And  I  am  particularly  glad  to  meet 
you.  Now,  I  advise  you  to  take  your  wife  home 
and  have  a  little  talk  with  her.  She  has  been  saying 
a  great  many  things  which  are  not  true,  and  had 
much  better  be  left  unsaid. 

Finlayson — Few  women  show  discretion  in  their 
selection  of  things  to  be  left  unsaid. 

Mrs.  Perry — I  think  many  of  your  sex  have  the 
same  failing.  (FINLAYSON  is  abashed.)  Isabel,  my 
tatting,  please. 

Beatrice  (Excitedly) — That  is  just  what  I  think, 
Mrs.  Perry!  If  you  could  have  heard  the  things 
my  husband  said  to  me  before  I  came  here  this  eve 
ning!  No  wonder  I  was  half-distracted. 


64  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Allen — There  you  go  again!  If  that  crazy  Dutch 
man  doesn't  come  soon,  I'll  go  mad ! 

Mrs.  Perry  (With  a  calming  gesture) — I  am 
sorry  to  be  inhospitable,  but 

Isabel  (Softly) — Mama!  Don't  you  think  you'd 
better  go  and  get  your  dress  on? 

Mrs.  Perry — My  dear,  there  are  other  things 
more  important  than  a  suitable  costume.  My  daugh 
ter's  good  name  is  one  of  them. 

Finlayson  (Overcome  with  contrition) — Mrs. 
Perry!  What  a  confounded  scoundrel  I  am!  Let 
me  explain  how 

(The  doorbell  rings.     ALL  start.) 

Beatrice — Professor  Staticmuller ! 

(ISABEL  answers  the  bell.  FINLAYSON  sinks  back 
into  his  chair  resignedly.  ALLEN  adopts  a  "}ust  let 
me  at  him!"  attitude.  PARKER  enters  C.  E.) 

Finlayson — Oh !     Sooner  than  I  expected  ! 

Parker  (Stiffly) — I  forgot  my  overcoat.  I  am 
going  out  of  town  tomorrow,  I  shall  probably  need 
it. 

Isabel  (Handing  it  to  him) — Here  it  is. 

Mrs.  Perry — Sydney! 

Parker— Yes,  Mrs.  Perry? 

Mrs .  Perry — A  pleasant  trip  to  you !  Do  you 
expect  to  be  away  long? 

Parker  (Hesitating) — My  plans  are  rather  un 
certain.  Business — er 

Mrs.  Perry  (With  quiet  sarcasm) — I  often  think 
how  convenient  "business"  is! 

Finlayson — Mrs.  Perry!  Business  a  convenience! 
You  are  unkind.  Business!  It  is  our  cruel  task 
master;  we  are  its  slaves. 


ACT  II  65 

(ALLEN  grunts;  BEATRICE  makes  a  hysterical 
sound.) 

Mrs.  Perry  (Calmly  tatting) — One — two — three 

— four — five — loop .  I  never  knew  a  man  who 

was  its  unwilling  slave  any  more  than  I  am  to  this 
tatting  shuttle !  One — two — three — four — five — 
loop.  I  tat  because  I  like  to.  You  men  engage  in 
business  because  it  is  a  fine,  big,  interesting  game. 
If  you  didn't  like  it  you  would  all  be  planting  beans 
and  potatoes  in  your  back  yards,  and  raising  pigs  and 
other  food  for  your  families. 

Isabel — Mama ! 

Finlayson — Good  !  Back  to  the  soil,  I  say !  "In 
the  beginning"  God  planted  a  garden,  and  all  those 
things  you  mention  must  have  been  in  it,  Mrs. 
Perry,  although  the  historian  doesn't  so  state. 

Allen  (Growling) — There's  a  whole  lot  in  that 
Garden  of  Eden  story  that  we  poor  ginks  are  left  to 
find  out  for  ourselves. 

Mrs.  Perry  (Politely) — I  didn't  hear  you,  Mr. 
Allen. 

Finlayson — Allen  is  something  of  a  pessimist, 
Mrs.  Perry.  Don't  let  him  worry  you. 

(ALLEN  subsides.) 

Mrs.  Perry  (Placidly) — Oh,  I  never  allow 
trifles  to  worry  me!  One — two — three — four — 

five — loop.  One — two And  my  opinion  of 

the  relation  of  men  to  their  business  is  of  many 
years'  standing,  so  he  and  Sydney  do  not  bother  me 
in  the  least.  One — two — three 

Parker — I'm  afraid  I  differ  from  you,  Mrs. 
Perry;  but  I  have  no  arguments  ready.  Good 
night.  (He  turns  toward  C.  E.) 


66  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Beatrice — Oh,  Mr.  Parker,  if  you  are  going  my 
way,  may  I  go  with  you? 

Parker — Certainly,  Mrs.  Allen,  with  great  pleas 
ure.  A  little  later  I  am  going  to  drop  in  at  the 
Indoor  Yacht  Club  meeting. 

Allen — Great  Scott!  I  forgot  all  about  that 
meeting ! 

Beatrice — Earlier  in  the  evening  that  meeting 
was  of  the  greatest  importance,  Mr.  Parker;  but 
even  more  important  matters  seem  to  have  come  up 
since  then.  Shall  we  go? 

Parker  (All  confusion) — Certainly. 

(ALLEN  starts  after  her.) 

Beatrice  (Witheringly) — I  believe  you  said  you 
were  anticipating  meeting  Professor  Staticmuller. 
Don't  let  me  take  you  away.  Good-evening,  every 
body !  (She  and  PARKER  go  out  C.  E.) 

(ALLEN  looks  about  distractedly,  then  decides  to 
remain,  and  bounces  down  again  in  a  chair  L.) 

Finlayson — How  things  do  work  around  after 
all !  Here  we  are,  waiting  as  though  it  had  all  been 
prearranged,  to  meet  the  great  apostle  of  freedom ! 

Mrs.  Perry  (To  ISABEL) — Who  is  this  they  are 
speaking  of,  dear?  Are  you  expecting  someone? 

Isabel — Oh,  mama,  it  is  most  unexpected!  For 
some  reason,  I  don't  know  what,  Mrs.  Finlayson 
has  directed  Professor  Staticmuller  to  meet  her 
here.  I  suppose  they  will  be  here  at  any  moment. 

Finlayson — Great  scheme  of  Jane's!  Now  we 
can  plan  that  husbands'  meeting!  (ALLEN  shifts 
impatiently.)  Everything  is  working  right  to  our 
hands,  Ned. 

Allen  (Growling) — I  don't  know  what  you  are 
talking  about. 


ACT  II  67 

Mrs.  Perry — Dear  me !  Another  strange  gentle 
man  coming! 

Isabel  (Meaningly) — Perhaps  it  would  be  better 
for  you  to — er — eh  ? 

Mrs.  Perry — Yes,  indeed,  I  must  put  on  my  dress 
again.  (She  lays  aside  her  tatting,  and  rises,  with 
slight  help  from  ISABEL.) 

Isabel — Will  you  excuse  us  for  a  few  minutes, 
please?  If  the  doorbell  rings  would  one  of  you 
gentlemen  kindly  answer  it? 

F  inlay  son — With  pleasure. 

(ALLEN  nods  abruptly.  MRS.  PERRY  and  ISABEL 
go  out  R.  The  two  men  shift  about  for  a  time 
without  looking  at  each  other,  then  gradually  fix 
one  another  with  a  long  stare.  FINLAYSON  goes 
off  into  a  silent  paroxysm  of  laughter.  ALLEN  mut 
ters  angrily.) 

Finlayson  (Breathless  with  laughter) — See  here, 
Ned! 

Allen — Dry  up! 

Finlayson — But  man,  you're  a  fool !  What  do 
you  think  you're  doing?  Don't  you  know  that 

Allen — I  know  that  I've  had  enough  of  your  tom 
foolery. 

Finlayson   (Innocently) — I?     Tomfoolery? 

Allen — Yes — you,  you — you! 

(The  doorbell  rings;  ALLEN  starts  up,  then 
checks  himself,  looking  at  FINLAYSON.) 

Finlayson  (Nonchalantly) — After  you!  Don't 
let  me  deprive  you  ! 

Allen  (Savagely)—  Open  the  door!  If  /  do  I'll 
kick  him  downstairs! 

(FINLAYSON.  with  mock  haste,  goes  to  the  front 
door.  A  high-pitched  foreign  voice  is  heard.) 


68  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Voice—  Mees  Eesabel  Perree?     She  lifs  here? 

Finlayson — Yes.     Good-evening.    Walk  right  in. 

(PROFESSOR  STATICMULLER  enters,  followed  by 
FINLAYSON.  The  PROFESSOR  is  tall  and  foreiffn- 
looking.  One  is  not  sure  of  his  nationality.  He 
may  be  German,  he  may  be  Polish.  Most  likely  he 
is  from  Sweden.  With  rather  pronounced,  checked 
clothes  he  wears  a  soft,  flowing  necktie.  His  whis 
kers  are  long  and  aggressive;  his  eyes  mild,  evi 
dently  cultivating  a  "vision"  of  ^  fifty  years  hence.) 

Professor  S. — Ah,  you  are  der  broder  off  der 
young  ladee,  Miss  Perree? 

Finlayson  (Cheerfully) — Oh,  no!  Only  a  fam 
ily  friend.  Allow  me  to  buttle  for  you. 

ProfessorS.   (Puzzled)—  Eh?    Vat's  dat? 

Finlayson — To  buttle,  to  valet — hang  it !  What 
is  it  a  footman  does  ?  At  any  rate,  let  me  take  your 
hat  and  coat.  (Taking  the  PROFESSOR'S  coat) 

Professor  S. — Oh,  sairtainly,  sairtainly!  (Tak 
ing  off  his  overcoat)  How  you  Americans  make 
der  jokes!  I  do  not  der  humor  alvays  onderstand. 

Finlayson — No?  Same  here!  (Rattling  on) 
You  have  it  then  in  your  country. 

Professor  S. — Haf  vat,  Mistair ?  Pardon, 

I  haf  not  your  name. 

Finlayson — My  name  is  Rodney  Finlayson ;  yes, 
Finlayson  is  my  humble  patronymic.  Allow  me  to 
introduce  you  to  my  friend,  Allen.  Mr.  Allen, 
Professor  Staticmuller. 

(ALLEN  rises  and  nods  forbiddingly.) 

Professor  S. — How?  You  know  my  name  al 
ready?  How  comes  dat? 

Finlayson — I  happened  to  overhear  Miss  Perry 
say  that  she  expected  you  this  evening. 


ACT  II  69 

Professor  S. — So?  (To  ALLEN)  I  haf  pleasure 
in  meeting  you,  Mistair  Allen.  Your  name,  it 
sounds  to  me  familiare.  Vere  can  I  it  haf  heard? 
Somewhere,  I  am  sure. 

Allen  (Forcibly) — And  your  name,  Professor 
Staticmuller,  is  familiar  to  me,  very  familiar.  I 
have  been  anxious  to  meet  you. 

Professor  S. — So?  Den  ve  are  veil  met.  (To 
FINLAYSON)  And  you,  Mistair?  Your  name  also 
I  haf  many  times  heard.  Feen-lay-son  ?  Ah,  I  haf 
it!  It  iss  dee  Madame  Feenlayson  who  so  often 
to  my  classes  comes,  dat  so  charming  ladee!  Can  it 
be  you  are  der  fortunate  husband  off  dat  ladee  ? 

Finlayson  (Nodding  meekly) — I  am  he!  (He 
casts  his  eyes  ecstatically  heavenward.)  Also,  I  am 
to  have  the  honor,  if  you  remember,  of  painting  your 
portrait. 

Professor  S. — But,  of  course!  How  stupid  am 
I !  But  dere  iss  so  much  to  remember,  Mistair,  so 
much! 

Finlayson — Yes,  I  imagine  so;  especially  when 
one  remembers  both  backwards  and  forwards,  as 
you  do ! 

Professor  S.  (Puzzled)— Eh?  (To  ALLEN) 
And  you?  Ah,  now  I  know!  Dee  charming  little 
blonde  ladee  who  with  Madame  Feenlayson  so 
often  comes!  How  stupid  am  I!  You  are  der 
husband  off  dat  so  intelligent  ladee,  yes? 

Allen  (Gruffly) — My  name  is  Edward  Allen. 
Probably  Mrs.  Allen  has  attended  some  of  your 
d — er — classes.  As  I  said  before,  I  have  been  wait 
ing  to  meet  you. 

Professor  S.  (Genially) — Ah,  dat  iss  very  agree 
able!  Let  us  now  make  friends.  I  am  already  so 


70  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

much  der  friend  off  dee  so  charming  vifes.  (He 
seats  himself ',  beaming.} 

Allen  (Menacingly) — It  all  amounts  to  this.  I'm 
not  talking  about  making  friends.  I  want  to  know 
what  business  you  have  going  about  telling  foolish 
women  what  they  are  to  do  fifty  years  hence !  Now 
is  the  time  we've  got  to  live,  right  here  and  now. 
While  I  am  waiting  for  the  next  half  century  my 
meals  are  getting  cold,  and  home  is  all  going  hang! 
(The  PROFESSOR  rises  in  consternation,  his  mild 
eyes  gradually  becoming  angry.)  It's  Professor  said 
this,  and  Professor  said  that,  till  I'm  dead  sick  of 
the  stuff.  I've  just  been  waiting  to  run  into  you  to 
inform  you  that 

Finlayson  (Stepping  between  them) — See  here, 
Ned,  see  here!  I  must  again  remind  you  that  you 
are  not  in  your  own  home  sanctum.  You  are  in 
the  house  of  two  peace-loving,  unprotected  ladies 

Professor  S. — I  do  not  onderstand  dees,  dees 
shentleman,  Mistair  Feenlayson.  Vat  does  he  mean? 

(ALLEN  subsides,  panting.) 

Finlayson — You  must  excuse  his  manner.  When 
Ned  becomes  really  interested  in  any  subject  he 
gets  so  excited  that  he  forgets  his  manners.  Now, 
he  and  I  are  interested ;  why,  we  are  absorbed. 
obsessed,  by  this  wonderful  new  doctrine  of  yours! 
It  takes  us  right  off  our  feet.  We're  all  upset  this 
evening  over  it.  That's  the  reason  we're  here. 

Professor  S. — So?  (He  looks  suspiciously  at 
ALLEN.) 

Allen  (Making  a  great  effort  to  control  hi?n- 
self) — Yes,  that's  the  reason  we  are  here.  I  heard 
you  were  coming.  I  waited  to  meet  you. 


ACT  II  71 

Professor  S. — I  do  not  know  vy  I  am  here.  Miss 
Perree,  iss  she  not  home? 

Finlayson — Yes,  oh,  yes!  She  will  be  here  in  a 
moment. 

Professor  S. — The  so  charming  Madame  Feen- 
layson,  she  haf  invited  me  here  to  meet  her.  She 
haf  not  said  dat  you  vere  to  be  here.  Perhaps  it 
vas  to  surprise  you  dat 

Finlayson — Surprise !  Yes,  that's  it,  a  surprise  all 
round ! 

Professor  S. — I  haf  so  much  hoped  a  meeding 
for  der  shentlemens  to  arrange;  der  husbands  off 
dese  so  intelligent  ladees.  It  iss  not  enough  dat 
I  gif  to  dem  der  new  ideas,  it  is  necessary  dat  der 
mens  also  shall  dem  hear. 

Allen  (Gruffly)— What  are  all  these  ideas?  Why 
can't  you  tell  them  how  to  live  right  now? 

Finlayson — Yes,  why  jump  us  ahead  at  such  a 
rate?  Life  is  speedy  enough  as  it  is. 

Professor  S. — Der  Americain  humor  I  do  not 
onderstand  qvick.  Vat  you  mean — "speedy"? 

Finlayson — I  mean  I  want  to  live  right  now; 
I  don't  want  to  live  fifty  years  from  now. 

Professor  S. — Ah,  now  I  onderstand!  Dat  iss 
vat  der  mens  say,  der — how  you  say?  Der  average 
mens,  you  call  him.  He  stay  here — (indicating 
a  certain  spot  on  the  floor) — but  dee  ladees,  ah 
Gott,  dee  ladees !  Dey  go  so  fast !  I  tell  dem 
somedings,  dey  go — qvick — speedy!  Dey  believe — 
dey  do! 

Finlayson — Yes,  but  the  thing  is,  don't  you  see? 
the  average  man  wants  the  average  woman  to  re 
main  somewhere  within  shouting  distance.  What 
Mr.  Allen  means  is,  that  if  you  speed  the  women 


72  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

up  to  such  an  extent,  we'll  soon  lose  sight  of  them 
altogether,  understand  ? 

Professor  S. — Lose  sight?    How  you  mean  ? 

Finlayson  (Indicating  the  same  spot  that  the 
PROFESSOR  did  on  the  floor) — Well,  here's  the  aver 
age  man;  that's  me — or  we  might  even  say  it  was 
Ned  Allen ! 

Allen  (Growling) — You  can  leave  me  out  of  it. 

Finlayson — Just  as  you  say.  Here's  me,  then, 
leading  a  nice,  placid,  comfortable  life,  unhampered 
by  doubts  or  problems  of  the  future,  secure  in  the 
belief  that  Jane,  although,  of  course,  far  above  the 
average  woman,  is  here  beside  me. 

Professor  S. — Jane  ?    Vat  iss  Jane  ? 

Finlayson — Jane  is  who,  Meinherr  Professor. 
Jane  is  Mrs.  Feen — lay — son. 

Professor  S. — Oh  !    Pardon,  Mr.  Feenlayson ! 

Finlayson — Don't  mention  it!  As  I  was  saying, 
and  more  grammatically,  here  am  I,  and  here  also, 
presumably,  is  Jane.  Suddenly  I  look  up  and  dis 
cover  Jane  away  over  yonder.  (Indicating  a  dis 
tant  spot)  I  like  existence  right  here — she  likes 
it  there.  (Shrugging  enquiringly)  Now,  what  are 
you  going  to  do  about  it? 

Professor  S. — Vat  vill  /  do,  Mistair?  Dat  iss 
not  der  question.  Vat  vill  you  do?  She  vill  call, 
you  vill  go  qvick,  speedy  also! 

Finlayson  (Lazily) — But  I  like  it  here,  see?  I 
love  it!  I'd  rather  call  Jane  back  "qvick,  speedy!" 

Professor  S.  (Smiling  in  a  superior  way) — You 
are  truly  der  average  mens,  Mistair  Feenlayson. 
(Turning  to  ALLEN)  And  you — you  t'ink  dees 
vay  also? 

Allen — yes,    and    your   way    is   all    foolishness, 


ACT  II  73 

damned  foolishness,  do  you  hear?  (FiNLAYSON  tries 
to  restrain  him  without  success.)  You're  going 
around  breaking  up  homes  with  your  cursed  philoso 
phy.  (Indicating  FINLAYSON)  Why,  here's  my 
best  friend 

(ISABEL  enters  R.    ALLEN  subsides.) 

Finlayson — Miss  Perry,  allow  me  to  introduce 
my  friend,  Professor  Staticmuller. 

Isabel — I'm  glad  to  meet  you,  Professor  Static 
muller.  Won't  you  sit  down? 

Professor  S.  (Bowing) — I  am  most  happy,  Mees 
Perree. 

(ALL  sit.) 

Finlayson — The  Professor  says  that  Mrs.  Finlay 
son  has  an  appointment  here  with  him.  Such  a 
natural,  friendly  little  arrangement  of  Jane's!  It's 
just  my  good  luck  to  be  here ! 

Professor  S. — Myself,  I  hope  it  iss  aboud  der 
meeding  she  plans  for  der  shentlemens. 

Isabel  (Nervously) — Yes,  I  think  that  must  be 
it.  Why  not  talk  about  it  now,  and  have  it  all 
arranged  before  Mrs.  Finlayson  comes?  It  will  be 
a  nice  surprise  for  her. 

Professor  S. — It  vill  do  me  great  pleasure  to  so 
arrange,  if  der  shentlemens 

Finlayson — I  think  we'd  better  wait.  I  never 
like  to  interfere  with  any  of  Jane's  plans. 

Professor  S. — Ah,  you  see?  Der  very  first  step 
in  der  new  regime — to  interfere  not ! 

Finlayson — But  I  never  did.  That's  not  new  to 
me. 

Professor  S. — Den  you  haf  my  compliments.  Dat 
iss  vone  great  step  in  der  new  vay. 

Finlayson — Oh,  I  like  to  keep  step  with  the  pro- 


74  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

cession  as  much  as  anybody,  and  listen  to  the  music 
of  the  band,  even  if  there  is  a  lot  of  brass  about  it ! 
The  trouble  is,  no  one  ever  notices  me  in  the  crowd ; 
I'm  not  spectacular  enough. 

A Hen  (Growling} — You  can  talk  more  nonsense 
in  a  minute  than  any  fool  I  ever  knew.  Well,  I 
don't  seem  to  be  advancing  matters  any  toward  that 
new  period  we're  so  much  "obsessed"  by,  so  I  guess 
I'll  go. 

Professor  S. — I  am  sorry.  I  fear  you  do  not 
my  object  comprehend.  I 

Isabel  (Going  to  ALLEN) — Mr.  Allen,  I  am 
so  sorry  all  this  incomprehensible  mistake  has  oc 
curred. 

Allen — It's  all  a  huge  mess,  Miss  Perry.  Why 
didn't  you  tell  Sydney  Parker  right  out  about  that 
note  of  recommendation? 

Isabel — Sydney  needs  punishing.  He  was  too 
ready  to  suspect  me.  Why.  it's  the  most  absurd 
thing!  I  can  hardly  believe  it  of  him. 

Allen — I  can  hardly  believe  it  of  anybody. 

Isabel — Please  go  home  and  have  a  good  talk  with 
Mrs.  Allen,  and  clear  it  all  up.  Mr.  Finlayson 
can  help  you,  I  am  sure. 

Finlayson — Am  I  dismissed  too?  I  have  to  wait 
for  my  wife.  I  can't  see  what  she's  doing  all  this 
time.  I  hope  she's  not  holding  up  traffic! 

Isabel — I'd  much  rather  you  would  stay  until 
she  comes. 

Professor  S. — Trust  Providence — she  vill  soon 
come. 

Finlayson — Oh,  it's  all  well  enough  to  trust 
Providence,  but  there's  no  sense  in  Jane's  putting 
herself  in  a  hole  for  Providence  to  pull  her  out  of! 


ACT  II  75 

Allen — That's  the  first  sane  speech  out  of  your 
mouth  tonight.  Women  are  always  getting  them 
selves  into  holes,  serenely  banking  on  some  mas 
culine  Providence  to  help  them  out! 

Isabel — Oh,  Mr.  Allen,  what  an  ungallant 
speech ! 

Allen — Well,  it's  true,  with  few  exceptions,  Miss 
Perry. 

Professor  S. — Dat  iss  vat  ve  discuss  in  dose  so 
interesting  meedings.  Dee  ladies,  yes,  yust  now 
dey  are  so  ovaircome  mit  der — der  enthusiasm,  dey 
fall  in  dose  holes  of  vich  you  truly  speak.  But 
dere  vill  come  a  change — fifty  years  hence 

(There  is  an  unintelligible  growl  from  ALLEN.) 

Isabel  (Hastily) — Yes,  yes,  times  are  changing 
rapidly.  We  all  feel  it — we 

Finlayson  (Solemnly) — It  is  for  this  reason  we 
men  must  not  hold  back.  We  are  delaying  traffic, 
spiritual  and  mental  traffic,  just  as  surely  as  your 

taxi  wheel,  by  its  obstinacy  in  holding  onto 

(He  finishes  with  a  cough,  and  goes  into  a  paroxysm 
of  silent  laughter.) 

Allen — Oh,  rot!  I'm  going,  Miss  Perry.  I'm  a 
bear — good-night.  (He  starts  for  C.  E.  A  loud 
ring  is  heard  at  the  front  door.)  Jane! 

Isabel — It  must  be  Mrs.  Finlayson. 

(She  goes  out  C.  E.  and  re-enters,  showing  in 
JANE.  The  latter  is  suave  and  cordial,  talking  with 
ISABEL  as  she  enters.) 

Jane — Why,  yes,  Miss  Perry,  I  knew  you  would 
pardon  this  liberty  of  arranging  a  meeting  at  your 
house.  I  felt  sure  you  would  understand. 

Isabel  (With  meaning)^ — Yes,  indeed!  There 
are  several  gentlemen  waiting  here  to  meet  you! 


76  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Jane — Several?  (With  pretended  surprise)  — 
Why,  Rodney!  Whatever  in  the  world!  Well, 
I  never!  (The  PROFESSOR  has  risen  ceremonious 
ly.)  It  was  terribly  good  of  you  to  give  me  some 
of  your  precious  time,  Professor;  I  appreciate  it, 
I  assure  you.  (Shaking  hands  with  him)  Well, 
Ned,  I  suppose  it  was  to  be  expected  to  find  you 
here,  but  I  am  so  dense,  I — er 

Isabel  (Haughtily) — I  believe  you  have  some  de 
tails  to  arrange  with  Professor  Staticmuller  about  a 
meeting  ? 

Jane — Yes,  that  is  the  object  of  my  coming  here. 
I  knew  Miss  Perry  would  be  interested ;  am  I  right  ? 
( Cordially )  You  have  shown  such  aptitude  in  apply 
ing  the  rules  of  life  which  the  dear  Professor  has 
been  instilling  into  us  the  last  few  months,  that 
I 

Isabel — In  what  way  have  I  ? 

Allen — Oh,  Lord,  now  the  women  are  off! 

Finlayson  (Interrupting) — It  was  suggested  that 
as  several  of  the  husbands  supposedly  interested  in 
the  proposed  meeting  were  already  providentially 
here,  we  might  go  ahead  and  arrange  matters;  but 
that  would  have  been  so  contrary  to  the  ways  of 
our  household,  Jane,  that  I  naturally  felt  a  hesitancy 
about  interfering  with  any  of  your  plans.  Incident 
ally  I  received  a  good  mark  in  the  Professor's  books. 
How  about  that,  Professor?  Do  you  work  on  the 
honor  system?  Will  I  get  a  picture  card  or  some 
thing  before  long,  for  credits? 

Professor  S.  (Utterly  bewildered)—  Eh?— So? 
Indeed,  yes,  my  picture,  I  haf  forgot!  It  iss  indeed 
an  honor! 

Jane — Don't  be  silly,  Rod.     May  I  sit  down? 


ACT  II  77 

Miss  Perry,  do  pardon  my  being  the  cause  of  all 
this  fuss!  I  never  dreamed  of  anything  more  than 
a  cozy  little  chat,  just  the  three  of  us! 

Isabel — Certainly,  Mrs.  Finlayson.  May  I  take 
your  coat?  (She  takes  JANE'S  coat  and  lays  it 
aside.)  Will  you  excuse  me  a  moment?  (She  goes 
out  R.) 

(ALL  sit  except  ALLEN.) 

Allen — I'd  like  to  state  right  here  that  I'm  not 
in  sympathy  with  any  movement  that  causes  scenes 
such  as  occurred  at  my  house  this  evening;  and  as 
far  as  Mrs.  Allen  and  I  are  concerned,  there  shall 
be  no  more  interest  taken  in  it. 

Jane — Speak  for  yourself,  Ned ;  let  Beatrice  settle 
her  own  affairs. 

Finlayson — Yes,  don't  hold  up  the  traffic,  Ned! 

Allen  (Turning  on  him  fiercely) — Her  affairs  are 
mine. 

Jane — Oh,  I  don't  understand !  I  thought  you 
had  quite  decided  on  a  change. 

Finlayson — So  he  has,  Jane;  but  under  the  present 
law,  you  know,  until 

Allen — No  such  thing!  You  know  perfectly 
well  that  you,  with  your  damned  foolishness,  caused 
all  this 

Finlayson — Tut,  tut,  man,  calm  yourself ! 

Jane — Remember  Mrs.  Perry! 

Professor  S.  (Bewildered,  and  becoming  impa 
tient  at  the  delay) — Could  ve  not  decide  dat  matter 
later,  Madame,  and  arrange  now  our  so  important 
meeding? 

Jane — Yes,  let  us  settle  that  first.  If  we  do 
decide  on  the  change  discussed  earlier  in  the  evening, 
this  meeting  is  very  important,  because  you  men 


78  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

must  study  the  subject.  Where  and  when,  those  are 
the  first  things  to  decide.  Do  sit  down,  Ned,  and 
be  quiet!  (Curiosity  holds  ALLEN;  he  sits.)  Let 
us  have  it  as  soon  as  possible. 

Finlayson — That's  what  I  say. 

Jane — In  a  week  or  ten  days  at  latest.  I'll  do  a 
lot  of  telephoning,  and  I'll  get  some  other  women 
to  help.  I'd  like  to  offer  you  the  use  of  our,  er — 
studio-living-room,  but  aside  from  its  not  being  large 
enough  to  hold  the  crowd  we  hope  to  get  together, 
there  are  other  reasons.  (Consciously) 

Professor  S. — A  hall  vould  be  der  best  for  der 
crowd. 

Finlayson — Oh,  you  expect  a  crowd,  do  you? 

Professor  S. — Indeed  yes !  Alvays  dey  crowd  to 
der  doors. 

Jane — I  should  say  they  do!  They  stand  in 
line 

Allen — A  sucker  having  been  born  every  minute! 

Jane  (With  a  withering  glance} — And  this  being 
a  husbands'  meeting; 

Finlayson — Is  it  to  be  strictly  confined  to  legal 
escorts  ? 

(ALLEN  grunts.) 

Jane — I  should  be  more  accurate.  Let  us  call 
it  a  men's  meeting;  that  is,  especially  planned  for 
men,  although  all  the  women  will  be  there. 

Finlayson — All  the  women?     Christopher! 

Jane — Oh,  you  know  what  I  mean!  And  if  we 
find  we  are  going  to  have  too  big  a  crowd  some  of 
the  women  can  stay  at  home;  but  we  want  all 
the  men. 

ProfessorS.  (Complacently) — Yes,  all  der  mens. 
But,  you,  dear  ladee,  you  must  be  dere. 


ACT  II  79 

Jane — Of  course  I  shall  have  to  be  there,  being, 
as  it  were,  the  manager.  (The  PROFESSOR  bows 
gallantly.}  Why,  Professor,  I  was  one  of  the  very 
first  in  your  classes  here,  wasn't  I?  I  remember 
Mrs.  Allen  heard  of  you  very  soon  after  you  ar 
rived  in  town. 

Professor  S. — It  vas  indeed  my  very  great  pleas 
ure  to  so  soon  meet  Madame. 

Jane — And  now — just  think!  With  the  won 
derful  enlightenment  you  have  given  us  we  are 
able  to  face  any  emergency  with  advanced  knowl 
edge  and  courage. 

Finlayson  (Beginning  to  be  proud  of  JANE) — I 
wish  you'd  told  me  something  about  these  meetings 
before,  Jane.  We  might  have  worked  together 
along  these  lines,  instead  of  secretly,  blindly,  as  it 
were. 

Jane — Very  true,  Rod;  I  wish  I  had.  But  we 
cannot  turn  back  now;  we  must  go  on;  isn't  that  so, 
Professor?  (He  agrees.)  When  we  find  out  our 
mistakes  we  must  immediately  remedy  them,  if  pos 
sible.  Let  yesterday  be  forgotten — all  is  change, 
change,  change! 

(FINLAYSON  and  ALLEN  watch  her  with  grow 
ing  astonishment.) 

Professor  S.  (Mechanically) — Indeed,  yes!  All 
iss  change,  change,  change. 

Jane — And  in  that  change,  Professor,  in  the  so- 
called  upward  march  of  the  human  race,  you  have 
shown  us  that  the  NEW  MAN  and  the  NEW  WO 
MAN  are  not  now  journeying  along  the  same  path, 
but 

Professor  S.  (Eagerly) — Yes,  yes,  it  iss  so,  I 
said! 


8o  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Jane  (Slanting  the  tips  of  her  fingers  together)  — 
They  are  climbing  a  mountain  like  this,  on  opposite 
sides,  the  majority  of  them.  By  and  by  they  will 
meet  again.  Just  now  a  few  are  journeying  on 
together,  like  you  and  me,  eh?  seeing  the  new 
path,  and  trying  to  light  the  way  for  others! 

Professor  S. — Ve  now  see  der  new  vay,  you  and 
I.  Indeed,  yes,  ve  hold  her  light  on  high ! 

Jane  (Striking  a  pose) — "Liberty  lighting  the 
world!" 

Professor  S.  (Forgetting  all  about  FINLAYSON 
and  ALLEN,  he  approaches  JANE,  gesticulating  as 
though  on  the  lecture  platform.) — Ah,  dear  ladee, 
you  so  lif  vat  iss  my  ideal!  Yes,  noding  but  change! 
You  are  going  on  ahead,  you,  and  77  It  iss  dee 
voman  who  vill  lead.  In  her  hand  she  holds  all 
der  years  to  come.  Der  man,  he  vill  come  after. 
Some  time  she  vill  need  him — den,  she  peeck  him 
up !  Ven  she  not  need  him  she  vill — she  vill  put 
him  down!  He  iss  off  small  account  in  der  grand 
scheme.  She  iss — how  you  say  it? — der  "whole 
show"! 

Jane — Oh,  Professor,  Professor!  The  respon 
sibility  will  be  too  great.  The  majority  are  not 
ready  to  take  up  this  wonderful  life. 

Professor  S. — Patience,  my  dear  ladee !  Vid  such 
as  you  to  lead,  many  vill  soon  be  ready.  (He 
kisses  her  hand.) 

(ALLEN  and  FINLAYSON  are  filled  with  conster 
nation.  MRS.  PERRY  and  ISABEL  enter  R.  MRS. 
PERRY  is  dressed  as  at  first.) 

Isabel — Mother,   this   is   Mrs.   Finlayson. 

Mrs.  Perry — I  am  glad  to  meet  you,  Mrs.  Fin- 


ACT  II  8 1 

layson.  Of  course  I  have  often  heard  my  daughter 
speak  of  you. 

Jane — Yes,  Mrs.  Perry;  and  I  of  you.  May  I 
introduce  Professor  Staticmuller? 

Professor  S.  (flowing  low  over  MRS.  PERRY'S 
hand) — It  iss  my  great  pleasure,  Madame,  to  meet 
you. 

Mrs.  Perry — Good-evening,  Professor.  You 
won't  mind  my  not  pronouncing  your  name,  will 
you?  I  find  foreign  names  very  difficult  to  remem 
ber.  Where  did  I  leave  my  tatting,  Isabel? 

Professor  S. — Sairtainly  not,  Madame.  My 
name,  it  iss  too  long,  I  admit. 

Isabel — Here  it  is,  mama.  (Giving  her  mother 
the  tatting) 

(MRS.  PERRY  sits  on  the  couch.) 

Professor  S. — Dat  vill  be  vone  off  der  t'ings  in 
der  new  life  ve  vill  change — der  too  long  vords, 
der  too  long  names.  Ve  vill  haf  dem  more  short. 
It  will  make  life  more  easy. 

Isabel — Mother  will  thank  you  for  that,  at  least, 
Professor.  It  is  very  difficult  for  her  to  remember 
names.  (Turning  to  JANE)  Well,  have  you  come 
to  any  conclusion  about  your  meeting?  Couldn't  I 
help  you  get  out  your  notices? 

Finlayson  (Aside  to  ALLEN) — She's  a  good  sport. 
(ALLEN  grunts.) 

Jane — Oh,  I  couldn't  think  of  troubling  you! 
Your  time  is  full  enough  as  it  is. 

Isabel — I'll  have  my  typewriter  brought  home  to 
morrow,  so  I  shall  be  able  to  write  some  notices 
for  you  very  easily. 

Jane — Have    your    typewriter    brought    home ! 


82  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Why,  what  will  Mr.  Finlayson  do  without  you? 
Rod,  do  you  hear  that? 

Finlayson — Yes,  it's  percolating.  I  hope  Isabel 
doesn't  mean  that. 

Allen — See  here,  Miss  Perry,  I  protest! 

Isabel — There  is  nothing  else  to  be  done  after 
this  evening's  conversation. 

Mrs.  Perry — I  prefer  that  my  daughter  should 
discontinue  the  regular  hours  spent  in  your  house 
hold,  Mr. — er — Mr. 

Isabel — Finlayson,  mama. 

Mrs.  Perry — Finlayson.  She  may  take  orders 
for  work  at  home.  One — two — three — four — five 
— loop.  One — two 

(ALLEN  shifts  about  uneasily.} 

Finlayson — But  your  art  lessons,  you  must  not 
give  up  those. 

(ISABEL  shrugs  deprecatingly.) 

Mrs.  Perry — My  daughter  will  have  something 
more  important  than  art  to  consider  in  the  next 
few  months.  One — two — three — four — five — loop. 
(Turning  to  the  PROFESSOR)  She  is  about  to  be 
married. 

Isabel — Mama !  Professor  Staticmuller  is  not  in 
terested  in  our  affairs. 

Professor  S. — Indeed  yes!  Your  affairs  to  me 
mean  life.  All  iss  off  interest.  It  comes — it  goes — 
all  iss  change. 

Mrs.  Perry — I  suppose  the  Professor  is  a  very 
busy  man.  My  daughter  tells  me  you  are  a  lec 
turer.  One — two — three — four — five — loop.  One 
— two — th  ree 

Professof  S. — Yes,  Madame,  dat  iss  my  so  humble 
occupation. 


ACT  II  83 

Mrs.  Perry — That  must  be  very  interesting. 
Have  you  any  special  topic? 

Professor  S. — Madame,  my  subject  comes  at  der 
time  I  speak.  Anyt'ing  and  eferyt'ing  iss  my  topeec. 
Today  I  say  vone  t'ing,  tomorrow  it  iss  all  changed. 
Feefty  years  from  now 

Finlayson  (Sauntering  up  to  him) — That  little 
word  "change"  appears  to  be  the  keynote  of  your 
whole  subject,  Professor. 

Jane — Shuh!  I'm  sure  the  Professor  is  in  a 
hurry,  Rod ;  and  we  haven't  yet  decided  on  the  time 
and  place.  Suppose  we  say  a  week  from  Monday 
evening?  (The  PROFESSOR  consults  his  note-book, 
and  nods.)  There's  never  much  going  on,  on  a 
Monday. 

Mrs.  Perry — When  I  was  a  girl  we  were  always 
rather  tired  on  a  Monday  evening  somehow.  One — 
two — three 

Finlayson — Sort  of  "pick-up  day  after  Sunday," 
I  suppose? 

Mrs.  Perry  (Pleased) — Yes,  and  then  the  wash 
ing. 

Isabel — Mother,  dear,  times  have  changed  since 
then. 

Finlayson — Changed  indeed!  (Descriptively) 
Nowadays  a  pair  of  silk  stockings  on  the  radiator, 
a  pocket  handkerchief  or  two  on  the  window-pane — 
(airily) — there  you  are!  The  rest  to  Japan — or 
France ! 

Jane — Rodney!     I  wish  you  would  keep  quiet! 

Finlayson — My  dear  Jane,  /  didn't  begin  it. 
(He  continues  talking  with  MRS.  PERRY.) 

Professor  S.  (Bewildered) — Yes,  all — all  iss 
change. 


84  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Allen  (Aside  to  JANE) — Say,  can't  that  chump 
say  anything  else  ? 

Jane — You  and  Rod  are  both  so  impatient. 
You're  in  great  need  of  the  chastening  influence 
of  this  very  meeting  we  are  planning. 

Allen — Then,  for  heaven's  sake,  get  it  planned  f 

Jane — One  week  from  Monday,  then,  Professor. 
And  about  the  place,  I  don't  believe  the  present 
hall  will  be  large  enough,  do  you  ? 

Professor  S. — I  fear  not  indeed. 

Jane — I  shall  just  have  to  go  about  and  look 
at  a  few  halls,  because  on  such  short  notice  we  may 
have  trouble  finding  one.  (They  continue  aside.) 

Allen  (To  ISABEL,  indicating  JANE  and  the 
PROFESSOR) — Believe  me,  this  sort  of  thing  won't 
get  any  help  from  me.  Now,  once  more,  I'm  going. 
Don't  stop  me! 

Isabel   (Teasing) — To  the  important  meeting? 

Allen  (Gruffly) — Yes.  I've  missed  the  direc 
tors'  meeting,  but  I  guess  I'd  better  put  in  an  ap 
pearance  at  the  rest  of  it.  Good-night,  folks.  Mrs. 
Perry,  I 

Jane — Oh,  wait  a  minute  Ned,  it's  all  arranged! 
I'm  going  now  with  Professor  Staticmuller  down 
to  the  hall.  My  choice  is  made,  but  I  must  make 
some  arrangements. 

Professor  S. — Yes,  the  choice  of  Madame  Feen- 
layson  iss  made.  (Bowing  to  MRS.  PERRY  and 
ISABEL)  Ladees,  I  salute  you.  My  very  good 
night. 

M"  -,Perry\  Good-night. 
Isabel 

Finlayson — I  hope  you've  made  a  good  choice  of 


ACT  II  85 

a  hall.   Those  draughty  old  seance  places  don't  ap 
peal  to  me. 

Jane — Our  choice  is  always  a  wise  one,  isn't  it, 
Professor?  (Holding  out  her  coat  for  him  to  assist 
her) 

Professor  S.  (Assisting  her) — Indeed,  yes,  Ma 
dame.  Your  choice  is  mine.  (He  bows  elabor 
ately.) 

Jane — In  matters  more  important  than  halls,  is 
it  not? 

Professor  S.  (Floridly) — In  all  matters,  Ma 
dame.  (Holding  open  the  door)  After  you, 
Madame. 

jane — No,  I  believe  your  overcoat  is  in  the  hall. 
Will  you  get  it?  I  will  follow.  Please  hurry! 
(He  goes  out  C.  E.)  One  last  word,  good  people. 
(Addressing  FINLAYSON  and  ALLEN  pointedly) 
"All  is  change,  change,  change,"  as  my  dear  Pro 
fessor  says.  (Quoting  gaily)  "I  hold  the  future 
in  my  hand.  I  lead,  he  will  follow!"  Perhaps  it 
will  surprise  you,  but  because  I  am  the  last  of  our 
quartette  to  divulge  my  plans,  is  no  reason  that  I 
have  not  fully  decided  on  them.  (Looking  out  into 
the  hall  admiringly,  then  at  FINLAYSON)  The 
Professor,  apostle  of  the  new  era,  is  my  next  choice! 
(Carelessly)  I'll  be  home  in  an  hour  or  so  to  talk 
it  over.  Good-by  now.  Ready,  Professor?  (She 
goes  out,  smiling.) 

(The  front  door  is  heard  to  close.  The  Two 
MEN  look  at  each  other,  aghast.  ISABEL  and  MRS. 
PERRY  are  bewildered.  FINLAYSON  starts  toward 
C.  E.  ALLEN  looks  at  him,  then  dashes  out  into 
the  hall.  ISABEL  goes  to  the  door  C.  then  looks 
back  at  FINLAYSON.) 


86  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Isabel — What  did  she  mean? 

Finlayson  {All  his  gay  humor  gone) — God 
knows ! 

Allen  (Heard  shouting  from  the  front  door) — 
Jane ! — Jane  ! 

Finlayson  (Going  to  C.  E.) — Ned!  Quit  that! 
You  won't  do  any  good  with  all  that  noise.  You'll 
have  an  officer  here. 

Allen  (Returning  excitedly) — Well,  what's  the 
matter  with  the  world  anyhow!  Everything  has 
gone  wrong  from  the  minute  I  entered  my  own 
door  tonight. 

Isabel  (Gfavely) — I  think  it  began  to  go  wrong 
earlier  than  that. 

Mrs.  Perry — I  don't  know  what  you  are  all  talk 
ing  about.  One — two — three — four — five — loop. 
One — two — three 

(FINLAYSON  is  completely  dazed.    He  sits  L.) 

Allen — It's  a  rotten  world,  Mrs.  Perry,  if  you'll 
excuse  my  English !  See  here,  Fin,  old  man,  that's 
all  just  a  nightmare.  (Jerking  his  thumb  toward 
C.  E.)  That  can't  be  real,  you  know. 

Finlayson — Then  I  wish  you'd  waken  me.  (Ris 
ing  and  staggering  slightly)  I  must  go  after  her. 
(ALLEN  catches  hold  of  him.)  Here,  let  me  go, 
Ned! 

Allen — If  anybody  goes,  I  do !  You  weren't  born 
to  fight,  Fin.  If  there's  any  smashing  to  be  done, 
let  me  tend  to  it! 

Isabel — Couldn't  it  be — don't  you  think  it's  all 
a  joke? 

Finlayson — No,  Jane's  too  serious  for  that.  I 
never  knew  her  to  jest  about  such  matters.  That 


ACT  II  87 

scoundrel  has  turned  her  head.  But  Jane — Jane! 
And  that — er — that — (Smiting  his  chest)  Do 
I — / — seem  to  you  the  inferior  of  that — that — Oh, 
Christopher!  (He  sinks  back  in  his  chair.) 

Mrs.  Perry  (Going  to  him  hurriedly) — I'm 
afraid  you  are  ill,  Mr. — er ? 

Finlayson  (Smiling  ruefully  up  at  her) — Fool* 
ingson,  Mrs.  Perry.  Did  you  ever  see  a  double* 
dyed  idiot?  Here's  one! 

Mrs.  Perry — Oh,  I'm  sure  you  underrate  your 
self,  Mr.  Foo 

Isabel — Finlayson,  mama. 

Mrs.  Perry — Perhaps  a  little  of  your  hot  coffee, 
Isabel,  might  be  good  for  him. 

Isabel-Yes,   shall  I ? 

Allen — Take  some,  Fin. 

Finlayson — Nonsense!  I'm  all  right.  Thanks 
just  the  same.  I'll  toddle  along  in  a  few  minutes 
and  be  ready  for  them  when  they  come  home. 

(The  telephone  rings;  ISABEL  answers.) 

Isabel  (At  phone)—  Hello!— Yes,  this  is  Oak 
1259 — What? — Why,  yes,  bring  her  right  up  here 
again. — Oh,  I'm  so  sorry!  Good-by.  (She  hangs 
up.)  Another  mishap!  That  was  Sydney.  He 
says  Mrs.  Allen  has  turned  her  ankle,  and  is  in 
great  pain.  He  thought  he  would  better  bring  her 
back  here;  it's  nearer  than  going  home. 

Allen — Damn!     (He  goes  out  C.  E.) 

Finlayson  (Listlessly,  still  lying  back  in  his 
chair) — I  suppose  she  got  into  one  of  those  "Provi 
dential  holes!"  Where  are  they? 

Isabel — Just  down  at  the  corner.  They've  been 
a  long  time  getting  there! 


88  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Finlayson — Well,  of  all  the  chumps,  we're  the 
limit !  Coming  here  and  upsetting  your  peaceful 
home  like  this! 

Mrs.  Perry  (Reseating  herself  on  the  couch)  — 
Oh,  don't  worry  about  that !  Isabel,  you'd  better 
look  up  some  bandages,  and  see  if  we  have  some 
liniment. 

Isabel — Yes,  indeed.      (She  goes  out  R.) 

Finlayson — Ned  shouldn't  bring  her  in  here.  He 
should  get  her  into  a  taxi  and  take  her  right  home, 
or  into  the  nearest  drug-store;  but  when  Ned  loses 
his  head  there's  no  telling  what  he  will  do. 

Mrs.  Perry  (Philosophically)— 'Yhty  are  all 
about  alike,  I  find! 

Finlayson — Same  old  Adam,  eh,  Mrs.  Perry, 
whether  this  fifty  years  or  next? 

Mrs.  Perry — Yes.  Besides,  there  are  no  taxis, 
or  drug-stores,  either,  in  this  immediate  neighbor 
hood.  One — two — three — four — five — loop.  One 

— two — three Oh,  dear  me!  I've  knotted  my 

thread!  (She  becomes  absorbed  in  disentangling 
it.)  _ 

Finlayson — What  a  tragedy! 

(ISABEL  enters  R.  with  bandages,  cotton,  lini 
ment,  et  cetera.) 

Isabel — I  haven't  much  on  hand,  and  I'm  not  a 
trained  nurse.  Don't  you  think  we'd  better  tele 
phone  for  a  doctor? 

Finlayson — No,  indeed !  I  protest.  We  have  al 
ready  disturbed  you  enough.  I  shall  insist  on  Ned's 
taking  her  home  as  soon  as  we  have  made  her  com 
fortable.  If  I  hadn't  been  so  dazed  when  the  tele 
phone  call  came  I  would  have  gone  right  off  with 
Ned. 


ACT  II  89 

Isabel  (Timidly) — I  wish  I  could  do  something 
for  you,  Mr.  Finlayson.  I — I — don't  know  what 
to  say. 

Finlayson — Never  mind,  I  know  you're  a  good 
friend.  I'm  simply  all  in.  I  don't  know  what  to 
think. 

Isabel — I'm  sure  there's  a  mistake  somewhere,  al 
though — it  certainly  looked 

Finlayson  (Forlornly) — Yes,  it  did!  It  strikes 
me  all  of  a  heap.  I've  taken  things  too  much  for 
granted;  this  is  my  reward. 

Mrs.  Perry  (Who  has  been  deep  in  the  untying 
of  the  knot,  but  has  succeeded) — One — two — three 
— four — five — loop.  I  don't  understand  why  your 
wife  left  so  hurriedly,  Mr.  Fin — Finlayson. 

Finlayson  (Pacing  up  and  down) — Neither  do  I, 
Mrs.  Perry. 

Mrs.  Perry — Young  women  are  very  independ 
ent  nowadays.  I  do  not  pretend  to  understand 
them.  It  was  all  so  different  when  I  was  a  girl. 
I  fear  I  belong  to  another  age. 

Isabel  (At  the  table,  making  the  cotton  into  little 
pads) — Now  you  have  mother  started  on  her  fa 
vorite  topic,  Mr.  Finlayson.  (There  is  a  ring  at 
the  doorbell.)  Here  they  are! 

Finlayson — Let  me  go.  (He  goes  out  C.  E. 
Several  persons  are  heard  to  enter  the  hall.  FIN 
LAYSON  and  ALLEN  come  in,  supporting  BEATRICE, 
who  is  moaning.) 

Mrs.  Perry — Put  her  right  here  on  the  couch. 
There — there!  I'm  sure  it  hurts  very  much. 

Beatrice — Oh ! — Ouch !  Boys,  walk  slower ! 
Ouch!  Ned,  dont!  Can't  you  see  you're  killing 


me 


90  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Allen  (Much  troubled)— Yes,  deary.  There 
now — there  you  are! 

(BEATRICE  sinks  down  on  the  couch.) 

Finlayson — Brace  up,  Bee.  It  may  not  be  so 
bad. 

Beatrice  (Clutching  his  hand,  and  holding  it)  — 
Oh,  Rodney! 

Finlayson  (Very  uncomfortable) — It's  all  right, 
Bee;  it's  all  right. 

Beatrice — No  it  isn't.  Oh — Oh — everything's 
all  wrong! 

Finlayson — I  agree  with  you,  but  howling  doesn't 
help  matters.  Seems  to  be  a  habit  in  your  family, 
to  shriek  over  everything. 

Beatrice — I'll — I'll  try  not  to — if  you  ask  me 
not  to! 

Allen  (Turning  away  abruptly,  to  ISABEL) — 
May  I  use  your  phone? 

Isabel — Certainly. 

Mrs.  Perry  (At  back  of  couch,  holding  BEA 
TRICE'S  hand) — Come  Isabel,  loosen  her  shoe.  That 
will  relieve  her. 

(ISABEL  starts  to  comply.) 

Allen  (At  the  telephone) — Hello! — Give  me 
Pine  3258 — Hello!  Taxi  cabs?  Send  me  a  machine 
right  away.  To — er — (To  ISABEL)  Say,  what's 
the  number  here? 

(ISABEL  hastens  to  him;  their  voices  drop.) 

Beatrice  (To  MRS.  PERRY) — Oh,  make  them 
both  stay  away !  I  just  want  you  and  Rodney ! 

Mrs.  Perry — Why,  my  dear,  surely  your  hus 
band  is  the  proper  person  to 

Finlayson  (Quietly,  beginning  to  unlace  one  of 
BEATRICE'S  shoes) — Here's  where  I  shine  as  a  shoe 


ACT  II  91 

expert.  Ahem !  These  are  too  close  a  fit,  Madame. 
Now,  if  you  had  come  to  me  in  the  first  place — I 
would  have  recommended  a  longer  shoe,  and  pos 
sibly  one  a  trifle  wider. 

Mrs.  Perry — Why,  I  thought  you  were  an  ar 
tist,  Mr.  Finlayson! 

Finlayson — Does  anything  make  you  doubt  it, 
Mrs.  Perry? 

Mrs.  Perry — I'm  sure  you  talk  just  like  a  shoe- 
clerk. 

Isabel  (Inclined  to  laugh) — Mama! 

Allen  (Determinedly  pushing  FINLAYSON  aside) 
— Sorry  to  disturb  you,  Fin,  but  this  is  my  job. 
(From  now  on  surprise  helps  BEATRICE  to  forget 
her  ankle,  which  is  not  badly  sprained  after  all. 
ALLEN  removes  her  shoe.)  Good  Lord,  these  high- 
heeled  freaks!  No  wonder  they  threw  you. 

Beatrice — Ouch ! 

Mrs.  Perry — There — there!  Isabel,  run  and  get 
my  salts  off  the  bureau. 

(ISABEL  goes  out  R.  and  returns  with  the  salts.) 

Allen — We're  not  going  to  put  these  people  to 
any  more  trouble  than  we  can  help.  Just  let  me 
have  some  of  that  cloth — bandage,  whatever  you 
call  it,  Miss  Perry.  We'll  wrap  it  around  this  in 
jured  member  to  keep  it  warm,  and  wait  till  we 
get  home  to  fix  it  up. 

Isabel — I  have  liniment  right  here,  Mr.  Allen. 

Allen — You're  very  good,  but  we've  already 
bothered  you  enough. 

Finlayson — This  is  one  of  the  moments  which 
puts  one's  sense  of  humor  to  the  test. 

(ISABEL  is  overcome  with  half -hysterical  gig 
gling.) 


92  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Beatrice — What's  the  matter?  (Looking  about 
vaguely)  Where  is  Mr.  Parker?  Didn't  he  come 
in? 

Allen  (Shortly) — No!  He  suddenly  remem 
bered  another  engagement.  He  seemed  only  too 
glad  to  beat  it.  There  now!  (Tying  the  bandage 
with  a  flourish)  That's  all  right.  Feel  pretty 
good  now? 

Beatrice  (Nods  mournfully) — Yes,  I — I — think 
so. 

Allen — Well,  keep  on  thinking  so,  old  lady! 
What's  the  matter  with  your  think-tank?  Start 
it  working! 

Beatrice — It's  all  very  well  for  you  to  talk  when 
you're  quite  comfortable! 

Mrs.  Perry — I  don't  understand  how  the  accident 
happened.  You  were  near  here? 

Beatrice  (Breathlessly) — Yes!  We  started  to 
walk  home,  and — and  we  stopped  over  there  in 
the  park,  and  sat  on  a  bench  to  talk  things  over. 

Finlayson — An  extremely  dangerous  proceeding ! 
Park  benches  are  known  to  throw  persons  on  the 
slightest  provocation ! 

Beatrice  (With  a  withering  look) — We  were 
talking,  as  I  said,  and — and — (with  a  defiant  loo& 
at  ALLEN)  I  was  sitting  on  my  foot,  as  I  often  do, 
and  when  I  got  up — oh,  dear,  there's  another 
twinge ! 

Allen — Well,  if  your  Professor  Statistician  could 
eliminate  that  habit,  I'd  take  off  my  hat  to  him! 

Beatrice  (Half  sobbing) — You're  just  as  mean 
as  you  can  be!  (Squeezing  her  damp  handker 
chief,  and  looking  about  for  someone)  Where  is 
Jane? 


ACT  II  93 

Mrs.  Perry — Dear  me,  I  must  lend  you  a  clean 
handkerchief!  (She  goes  out  hastily  R.) 

Beatrice — If  you  would  be  so  kind! — I  said, 
where  is  Jane?  I  thought  you  expected  her  here. 

(ALL  look  at  each  other.) 

Allen — Jane?     Oh,  yes,  she  was  here! 

Isabel — She's  gone. 

Beatrice — Well,  she  was  in  a  great  hurry! 
(Looking  from  one  to  the  other)  What's  the  mat 
ter?  What  makes  you  all  so  queer?  You're 
keeping  something  from  me. 

Allen — Well — the  truth  is — er,  shall  I  tell  her, 
Fin? 

F *  inlay son  (With  his  back  to  them,  teetering  back 
and  forth) — Oh,  yes,  spit  it  out! 

Allen  (Excitedly,  but  careful,  at  the  same  time, 
of  BEATRICE'S  feelings) — She's  gone  off  with  that 
blooming  Professor  of  yours.  That's  what  she's 
done. 

Beatrice    (Aghast) — Not   Jane? — Jane? 

Allen — Yes,  Jane!  She  stood  right  there  in 
that  doorway,  and  told  us  he  was  her  choice,  not 
fifteen  minutes  ago.  Now  come  along  home! 

Mrs.  Perry  (Entering*  with  a  clean  handker 
chief) — Here's  a  nice,  clean  handkerchief  for  you, 
my  dear,  and  I  put  just  a  dash  of  violet  on  it. 

Beatrice  (Completely  dazed) — Thank  you — > 
Jane! 

Mrs.  Perry  (Surprised,  to  the  others) — She's  a 
bit  upset,  a  trifle  hysterical,  I  suspect.  You'd  best 
get  her  to  bed  as  soon  as  possible. 

(A  taxi  horn  is  heard  outside.) 

Allen — There  we  are!  Come  along,  Fin;  give 
us  a  hand,  will  you?  (They  assist  BEATRICE.  She 


94  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

is  so  overcome  by  surprise  that  pain  seems  to  have 
left  her.)  Easy  now!  All  right,  Bee?  (She  nods.) 
Aren't  you  going  to  say  good-night  to  these  kind 
ladies? 

Beatrice  (Faintly) — Good-night.     Thank  you. 

(MRS.  PERRY  and  ISABEL  follow  them  to  the 
door,  C.) 

Mrs.  Perry — Good-night.  I  do  hope  it  isn't 
serious. 

Allen  (Airily) — Oh,  she'll  be  all  right  after  a 
good  night's  sleep ! 

Beatrice  (Indignantly) — Ouch!  Oh,  do  be  care 
ful,  Ned!  I'm  sure  I'm  in  for  a  siege. 

Allen  (Abruptly) — A  thousand  thanks  to  you, 
ladies.  Good-night. 

(fie  picks  BEATRICE  up  in  his  arms  and  carries 
her  out  moaning.) 

Finlayson  (Indicating  the  departing  couple) — 
Between  you  and  Providence  you've  pulled  them 
out  of  a  hole. 

Isabel  (Holding  out  her  hand  to  him) — Good 
night.  And  don't  forget  the  advice  you  gave  me 
earlier  in  the  evening,  "sense  of  humor,  you  know; 
sense  of  humor!" 

Finlayson  (Shaking  her  hand) — I  need  it!  Good 
night.  (He  goes  out  C.  E.) 

(ISABEL  follows  him  into  the  hall.  The  outer 
door  is  heard  to  close.  MRS.  PERRY  goes  out  C. 
to  right.) 

Isabel  (Re-entering,  goes  slowly  to  the  couch, 
and  sits,  looking  reflectively  into  space,  murmurs) 
— "A  sense  of  humor?"  Is  it  worth  it?  "A  sense 
of  humor?" 


ACT  II  95 

(MRS.  PERRY  enters  C.  carrying  a  small  tray 
holding  ISABEL'S  dinner.) 

Mrs.  Perry — Here's  your  dinner,  dear. 

Isabel  (Springing  up) — Oh  mother,  why  will 
you  spoil  me  so?  (She  brings  a  tiny  table,  places 
it  near  the  couch;  MRS.  PERRY  puts  the  tray  upon 
it.  They  sit.) 

Airs.  Perry — Well,  I'd  like  to  know  who  would 
if  I  didn't!  (ISABEL  slowly  begins  to  eat.  MRS. 
PERRY  resumes  her  tatting.)  One — two — three — 
four — five — loop.  One — two — three 

Isabel  (Impulsively) — Oh,  mother  dear!  If 
that  is  marriage,  I  don't  think  I'll  try  it ! 

(They  are  in  each  others  arms  as  the  Curtain 
falls.) 


ACT  III 

SCENE:     The  same  as  Act  I,  ten   minutes  later. 
TAD  is  discovered  curled  up  on  the  couch  R., 
asleep.   He  is  barefoot,  and  in  pajamas.   Every 
now  and  then  a  sob  escapes  him.     Beside  him 
on   the   couch    are  a   woman's   nightgown,   a 
mans  suit   of  pajamas,  some   books,   newspa 
pers,   sticks,   stones,   several   bricks   and   other 
miscellaneous  articles  which   he  has  evidently 
gathered  together.      BONG   is  seen   to   go   up 
stair,    then    descend   again   rapidly,   enter    the 
living-room,  look  about.     When  he  sees  TAD 
he  gives  a  gesture  and  grunt  of  relief.     TAD 
is  disturbed,  wakens,  and  begins  to  cry.) 
Bong — Aw,  what  mailer  you?    You  no  cly. 
Tad — Mama !     Mommer-r-r-r ! 
Bong — She  no  home.    She  come  soon.    You  come 
upstairs,  allee  same  go  bed.    Your  mama,  she^come 
soon. 

Tad — I'm  co-o-old — boo-hoo!     I  want  my  daddy 
and  my  mommer-r-r! 

Bong — You  stop  cly.     I  get  bad  man  after  you, 
he  kill  you ! 

Tad— Oh,  I'll  be  good,  I'll  be  good ! 
Bong    (Noticing   the  articles   on    the   couch)  — 
What  you   do?     What  for  you  bling  all  stones, 

sticks 

96 


ACT  III  97 

Tad  (Becoming  interested)  —  Shuh !  You 
mustn't  tell!  I'm  playing  a  game — it's  a  awful 
nice  game. 

Bong — Aw,  what  you  mean,  game?  I  throw  'em 
away — no  good!  (He  begins  to  gather  up  the 
articles. ) 

Tad  (Howling) — No — no!  You  leave  them  be! 
I  want  'em.  You  stop,  you  bad  old  Bong! 

Bong — Aw,  what  mailer  you?  (Dropping  the 
articles)  What  you  want? 

Tad  (Sobbing)—  I'll— I'll  only  be  good— if 
you'll  give  me  another  piece  of  pie. 

Bong — Your  mama,  she  say,  no  more  pie.  You 
ve'y  bad  boy. 

Tad — I  will  be  bad  ! — I  will  cry ! — I  will  have 
some  pie! 

Bong  (Relenting) — You  be  ve'y  good  boy,  I 
give  you  some  pie? 

Tad  (With  huge  sobs)— Yes. 

Bong — Allight.     I  give  you  small  piece  pie. 

(BoNG  goes  out  C.  TAD,  still  sobbing,  jumps  off 
the  couch,  and  laboriously  ties  knots  in  the  sleeves 
of  the  pajama  coat  and  the  nightgown.  Then  he 
gathers  up  as  many  of  the  articles  as  he  can  carry, 
and  hurries  off  with  them  L.  into  the  FINLAYSONS' 
apartment. 

BONG  re-enters  with  a  slice  of  pie  and  a  fork  on 
a  plate.  He  looks  about  for  TAD.) 

Bong — Here,  you  Taddy-boy!  Where  you  go? 
Taddy!  Taddy! 

Tad  (Running  in  L.) — Here  I  am!  Where's 
my  pie?  (Jumping  up  on  tine  couch,  and  seizing 
the  pie}  Oh,  goody,  goody!  (He  begins  to  de 
vour  the  pie,  holding  it  in  his  two  hands.) 


98  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Bong  (Offering  him  the  plate  and  fork) — Here 
— your  mama,  she  like  gen'leman. 

Tad — I  ain't  going  to  be  no  gemplum ;  they  don't 
have  no  fun.  I'm  a  henian. 

Bong  (Sadly) — Aw,  I  t'ink  you  ve'y  bad  boy. 
Bad  man,  he  catch  you,  I  t'ink.  You  go  upstairs, 
go  bed. 

Tad — Yes,  I'm  going  soon;  I'm  very  busy  now. 
(Stuffing  the  last  bit  of  pie)  Have  you  got  any 
more  pie? 

Bong — What  for  you  want? 

Tad  (Evasively) — Oh,  I  don't  want  to  eat  any 
more!  I  don't  like  stomach-ache  any  more  than 
you  do.  I  just  thought — (confidentially) — say, 
Bong,  do  you  know  what's  a  apple-pie  bed? 

Bong— Bed?     What  bed? 

Tad — Apple-pie  bed.     Did  you  ever  see  one? 

Bong — Aw,  I  no  know.  What  you  talk?  Allee 
same  clazy  boy.  You  go  bed. 

Tad  (Much  worried) — Is  the  apple-pie  bed  a 
real  one? 

Bong — Aw,  yes,  leal  apple-pie !  I  got  'em  for 
tomollow  dinner,  ve'y  nice,  two  apple-pie. 

Tad  (Alert)— Two  pies? 

Bong — Yes,  allee  same  one-two.  Now  you  go 
bed! 

Tad  (Softly)—  Goody!  Goody!  (With  a 
lordly  gesture  to  Bong)  Take  away  the  plate  and 
fork,  Bong,  old  man ;  I'm  soon  going  to  bed,  but  I 
ain't  sleepy  now. 

(BoNG  reluctantly  goes  out  C.  with  the  plate  and 
fork.  TAD  hurriedly  puts  some  of  the  sticks  and 
other  articles  under  the  couch,  then  starts  off  L. 
with  the  nightgown,  pajamas,  and  the  rest.  The 


ACT  III  99 

door-bell  rings  while  he  runs,  causing  him  to  trip 
and  fall.  He  jumps  up  again,  and  goes  out  L. 

BONG  answers  the  doorbell,  and  admits  BEA 
TRICE,  FINLAYSON  and  ALLEN.  The  two  men  sup 
port  BEATRICE.  They  seat  her  on  the  couch  while 
she  gives  forth  various  little  moans  and  impatient 
sounds.) 

Allen — There,  now  you're  all  right,  eh? 

Beatrice  (Crossly) — I  don't  believe  it's  a  bad 
sprain  at  all.  It's  just  my  nerves,  all  unstrung 
by  what  I've  been  through  this  evening. 

Finlayson — And  it's  all  my  fault,  Bee.  I  hope 
you'll  forgive  my  fool  joke. 

Beatrice — Joke? — What  joke? 

Allen — That's  what  I  say!  It  didn't  strike  me 
as  much  of  a  joke. 

Finlayson — I  guess  a  sense  of  humor  can  be  over- 
cultivated.  I  think  I'll  drop  it. 

Beatrice — I  don't  know  what  you're  talking  about 
— but  you've  been — queer,  all  evening!  (Taking 
off  her  hat  and  coat,  ALLEN  assisting  her) 

Finlayson — An  over-cultivated  sense  of  humor 
blinds  one  to  the  truth.  Here  I've  gone  along 
thinking  life  was  a  joke.  Jane  knows  it  isn't;  she 
takes  it  seriously.  Now  see  what  she's  done !  (He 
sits  dejectedly  by  the  studio  table.) 

Beatrice — I  can't  believe  it  of  Jane — Jane,  of  all 
people !  Here  I've  gone  placidly  along,  never  sus 
pecting  a  thing! 

Finlayson — Why  should  you?  Suspicion  disposes 
kings  to  tyranny,  husbands  to  jealousy — and  wives 
— heaven  knows! 

Beatrice — But  Jane  is  my  friend.  We've  told 
each  other  everything  lately — I  don't  see 


ioo  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Fmlayson — I  don't  either! 

Beatrice — Don't  what? 

Fmlayson — Don't  see  how  you  do  it,  you  women ! 
It's  true — you  are  living  all  over  the  century  at 
once! 

Allen  (Standing  C.  scratching  his  head  per 
plexedly) — About  a  century  ago  I  came  home  in 
the  devil  of  a  hurry  to  get  out  to  a  meeting.  Did 
I  have  any  dinner?  I  can't  remember. 

Beatrice — How  can  you  stand  there  and  talk 
about  dinner,  when  poor  Rod  is  in  such  dreadful 
trouble? 

Allen — Seems  to  me,  only  a  short  time  ago,  you 
thought  you  were  in  trouble  too. 

Beatrice  (Indignantly) — Whatever  made  you 
tell  me  such  an  awful,  downright  lie? 

Finlayson  (Without  changing  his  forlorn  atti 
tude) — Is  one  lie  any  downrighter  than  another? 

Beatrice — Yes,  some  are! 

Allen  (Turning  on  him  excitedly) — I  tell  you  it 
wasn't  a  joke  to  me!  It  was  an  infernal  thing 
to  do — and  you  see  where  it  has  landed  us! 

Finlayson — Where  do  you  get  that  "us"? 

Allen — Well,  I  guess  it's  been  "us"  all  evening, 
hasn't  it,  until  right  now?  Whose  fault  is  it  that 
your  boomerang  has  come  back  with  some  speed, 
and  floored  you? 

(TAD  is  seen  to  peer  out  of  door  L.  then  hastily 
to  shut  it.) 

Beatrice — Ned  Allen,  there's  no  need  of  your 
adopting  that  high  and  mighty  air.  If  you  hadn't 
come  in  as  cross  as  a  bear,  it  never  would  have 
happened.  We  were  all  so  happy! 

Allen — Well — can  you  beat  that?     Where  were 


ACT  III        •  101 

you,   I'd  like  to  know,  when   I  did '  come  'home  ?« 
Gadding  about 

Finlayson — I  thought  you'd  settled  all  that  in  the 
machine,  you  two.  (With  a  wide  sweep  of  his 
hand)  Now  just  forget  it! — Where's  Tad? 

Beatrice — Tad  ? 

Finlayson — Yes,  Tad!  Why  don't  you  give  a 
little  time  and  thought  to  the  real  things? 

Tad  (Running  in) — Here  I  am!  (fie  swings 
joyfully  on  ALLEN'S  arm.) 

Allen — Hullo,  there!  What  are  you  doing 
down  here,  you  monkey? 

Beatrice — Taddy!     Whatever  in  the  world? 

Tad  (Running  to  his  mother,  noticing  her  foot) 
— Oh,  mama!  Deary!  Deary!  What's  the  matter 
with  your  poor  footie? 

Allen — Mother  twisted  her  ankle,  Taddy-boy. 
You'd  best  go  upstairs,  Bee,  and  get  it  fixed  up 
properly.  As  long  as  you  won't  have  a  doctor,  get 
to  bed  and  rest  it  anyway. 

Beatrice  (Carelessly)— Oh,  it's  all  right!  I 
scarcely  feel  it  at  all.  Taddy,  mother's  boy,  what 
do  you  mean,  staying  down  here  so  late?  And 
bare  feet?  (Feeling  them)  And  so  cold!  (TAD 
giggles.)  I'm  afraid  you're  very  naughty! 

Tad — No,  I'm  not.  Truly,  mama!  I  was  zist 
as  good!  (BoNG  comes  in  C.  E.)  Wasn't  I  good, 
Bong? 

Bong  (Solemnly) — Taddy,  he  ve'y  good  boy. 
He  just  come  li'l  while. 

Tad — Mama,  I'm  not  a  bit  tired.  Couldn't  I 
help  Bong?  A  tiny,  tiny  bit? 

Beatrice — Bong  is  all  through  with  his  work  by 
now,  dear.  You  all  finished,  Bong? 


102  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Banff— L'il  more.     I  mix  bread. 

Tad — Oh,  mama!  Let  me  help.  Please — 
please ! 

Beatrice — All  right,  if  Bong  is  willing. 

Bong  (Imperturbably) — Allight. 

(TAD  jumps  up  and  down  ecstatically.) 

Beatrice — Run  upstairs  first,  and  put  on  your 
warm  slippers  and  bathrobe. 

Tad — Over  my  'jamas,  mama? 

Beatrice — Of  course.  Hurry!  It's  a  wonder 
if  you  haven't  caught  your  death  of  cold. 

Tad  (Joyously) — An'  make  little  biscuits  in  a 
little  pan,  mama? 

Beatrice — Yes,  just  this  once,  remember!  Now 
run  along. 

(TAD  and  BONG  go  out  C.  E.,  the  former  chat 
tering  excitedly  about  the  "little  biscuits  in  the 
little  pan."  He  runs  upstairs,  while  BONG  goes  R.) 

Allen — Is  the  boy  to  stay  up  all  night,  Beatrice? 

Beatrice — "All  night!"  How  you  exaggerate, 
Ned! 

Allen — I  don't  know  what  you  call  exaggeration. 
The  child  has  already  missed  two  good  hours  of 
his  sleep. 

Beatrice — It  won't  hurt  him  for  once. 

Finlayson — Have  you  ever  noticed  that  word 
"exaggeration,"  Ned?  It  stands  for  something 
which  when  applied  to  us  mere  males  is  an  appro- 
brious  epithet.  The  prefix  f-e  turns  the  use  of  it 
gloriously  into  the  superlative  degree. 

Allen — No,  I  never  have! 

Finlayson — It's  one  of  the  exceptions  that  gram 
mar  never  attempted  to  explain. 

Allen — I  never  had  any  use  for  grammar.     See 


ACT  III  103 

here,  man,  what  are  you  going  to  do?  Don't  sit 
there  mooning  over  parts  of  speech. 

Finlayson — What  can  I  do?  I'm  waiting  for 
Jane.  Seems  to  me,  just  after  the  universe  tumbled, 
she  said  she  was  coming  home  in  a  little  while  to 
talk  it  over. 

Beatrice — So  she  did!  And  there's  so  much  to 
talk  over.  (Looking  about  the  room)  Our  furni 
ture  and  everything  has  got  so  mixed  up. 

Finlayson — Furniture?  What's  that  got  to  do 
with  it? 

Allen — For  heaven's  sake,  Bee,  is  that  all  you 
see  in  it? 

Beatrice — Of,  course  not;  there's  lots  more,  but 
you  know  perfectly  well  that  I  always  have  to  say 
what  comes  into  my  mind  first. 

Allen  Beginning  to  untie  one  of  his  shoes)  — 
Unfortunately,  yes;  that  seems  to  be  your  system. 

(TAD  runs  downstairs  and  disappears  R.) 

Finlayson — It's  a  good  system ;  I  wish  I  had  it ! 
So  often  what  comes  into  my  mind  first  is  the 
very  last  thing  I  would  say;  so  I  tuck  it  away 
in  some  subconscious  corner,  and  the  world  loses 
a  valuable  truth.  That's  what  I  like  about  Bee. 
(BEATRICE,  self-conscious.)  She  never  tucks  any 
thing  away.  Now,  if  she  thinks  it's  all  a  matter 
of  furniture  and  other  material  things  between 
Jane  and  me,  why  shouldn't  she  say  so  and  be 
done  with  it? 

Beatrice  (Protesting) — I  never  thought  so  at  all, 
Rod!  Until  you  said  that — er — queer,  queer  thing 
to  me  tonight,  I've  always  thought  how  perfectly 
lovely  you  were  to  Jane.  I'm  forever  telling  Ned 
about  it. 


104  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Allen  (Growling} — Yes;  which  has  the  natural 
tendency  to  make  me  love  him  with  the  passionate 
ardor  of  a  brother! 

Finlayson  (With  crushing  satire) — You  over 
whelm  me.  It  seems  my  fatal  mission  to  break  up 
families ! 

Allen  (Fidgeting  with  his  shoes) — Hang  it,  these 
shoes  are  about  killing  me!  Wait  a  minute,  you 
two,  while  I  run  upstairs  and  get  my  slippers.  Shall 
I  bring  yours,  Bee? 

Beatrice — Yes,  please.  I'm  surprised  at  your 
shoes  hurting  you !  Would  you  like  me  to  mention 
the  fact  to  the  Professor  when  he  takes  up  the 
matter  of  my  heels?  (ALLEN  glares  his  indigna 
tion;  she  continues  placidly.)  It  would  be  a  good 
idea  to  get  these  things  off.  (Beginning  to  unlace 
her  other  shoe.) 

(ALLEN  goes  upstairs.) 

Finlayson  (Hesitating,  then  approaching  BEA 
TRICE  with  his  shoe-clerk  manner) — May  I  help 
you,  Madame? 

Beatrice — Please  do. 

Finlayson  (Unlacing  her  shoe) — Please  forget 
that  "queer,  queer  thing"  I  said,  will  you,  Beatrice? 

Beatrice  (Self-consciously) — Of  course,  Rod 
ney!  I  shall  never  think  of  it  again.  I'll  spend 
all  my  efforts  in  reconciling  you  and  Jane.  (Senti 
mentally)  That  will  be  my  martyrdom! 

Finlayson  (Amazed  that  she  has  taken  him  seri 
ously,  finds  it  difficult  to  explain) — Well,  you  know 
it  was  the  one  time  in  my  life,  I  think,  that  I 
adopted  your  system,  and  said  the  first  thing  that 
came  into  my  head.  Of  course,  if — er — that  is 

Beatrice — I  think  my  system  is  a  very  good  one. 


ACT  III  105 

(Virtuously)  It  would  be  better  if  more  people 
adopted  it.  There  would  be  more  truth  in  the 
world. 

Finlayson — Don't  you  think  that  simple  inven 
tion  of  the  devil's,  otherwise  lies,  would  pop  out 
of  some  people's  mouths  instead  of  truths? 

Beatrice — Maybe!  But  not  out  of  your  mouth, 
Fin !  I  have  always  regarded  you  as  the  soul  of 
honor.  I'm  sure  I've  always  told  Ned 

Finlayson — Spare  my  chaste  soul  and  my  blushes! 
Let's  forget  it!  I  can  put  it  all  very  easily  behind 
me  if  you  will ! 

Beatrice — Shuh!  Ned  is  coming.  I'd  perfectly 
hate  to  hurt  his  feelings! 

(ALLEN  comes  down  bringing  the  slippers,  FIN 
LAYSON  rises,  and  puts  BEATRICE'S  shoe  beside  the 
other  on  the  couch.) 

Allen — Shall  we  leave  on  the  bandage  awhile? 

Beatrice — Yes;  just  put  on  my  one  slipper.  All 
right;  thank  you,  Ned.  Why,  you're  quite  atten 
tive! 

Allen — Humph!  Maybe  my  lessons  are  sinking 
in.  (To  FINLAYSON)  Well,  you  ought  to  de 
cide  on  some  plan  to  confront  Jane  with  when  she 
returns  to  talk  things  over.  How  about  it? 

(TAD  is  seen  to  steal  softly  past  C.  E.  carefully 
carrying  two  pies,  one  of  which  he  conceals  behind 
the  portiere,  the  other  he  carries  upstairs.) 

Finlayson — Seems  to  me,  I've  done  about  enough 
planning  this  evening.  I'll  wait  and  hear  what  Jane 
has  to  say.  I  never  knew  her  to  go  off  on  an 
impulse. 

Allen — Well  you  beat  me,  with  your  grammar 
and  your  impulses! 


106  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Finlayson — It's  all  a  matter  of  how  you  decide 
to  live  your  life.  I  thought  ours  was  all  decided. 
I  thought  I  was  living  Jane's  way.  It  was  good 
enough  for  me  when  I  got  used  to  it,  but  it  turns 
out  that  it  wasn't  what  she  wanted  at  all,  so  now 
I'm  going  to  wait  and  hear  what  she  has  to  say. 

Allen — I  wish  she'd  get  a  move  on  then! 

Finlayson — Now  that  I  have  been  shaken  out  of 
my  groove  I'm  not  going  to  be  dropped  back  again. 
I  don't  believe  that  wise  old  guy  who  said  once 
that  "all  novelty  is  but  oblivion."  I  object  to 
that  "oblivion"  stuff.  I'm  going  to  remain  in  the 
foreground  of  this  affair. 

Allen — Now  you're  talking! 

Finlayson — Hang  it,  I  don't  know  just  what  I  do 
mean !  But  she's  going  to  see  me  when  she  comes 
in!  I'll  be  right  here,  "center  stage"! 

(The  telephone  rings.     ALL  start.) 

Beatrice — That  may  be  Jane! 

Allen  (Answering) — Yes?  Hello! — Yes,  yes, 
this  is  Allen  speaking. — Why,  certainly — I  hate 
to  have  you  take  that  trouble. — Can't  I  send  them 
round? — Oh,  very  well,  if  you  insist! — Good-by. 
(Hangs  up.)  Isabel  Perry  says  she's  coming  round 
in  a  taxi  to  get  her  typewriter  and  other  belong 
ings  this  evening.  Now,  isn't  that  a  darned  shame? 

Beatrice — Perhaps,  as  things  are,  it's  just  as 
well! 

Allen — As  things  are,  it's  a  damned  shame,  7 
say! 

Beatrice  (Haughtily) — Well,  Ned,  if  you  will 
be  profane,  I  think  I'll  go  upstairs. 

Finlayson — And  not  wait  for  Jane? 


ACT  III  107 

Beatrice — Why?  Do  you  wish  me  to?  What 
can  /  do? 

Finlayson — I'd  be  glad  to  have  you  stay. 

Beatrice — Very  well.  But — I  must  see  where 
Tad  is  and  send  him  to  bed. 

Allen — Let  me  go. 

Beatrice — I  can  go  perfectly  well,  thank  you.  I 
must  speak  to  Bong  about  breakfast.  (She  rises, 
ALLEN  assisting  her,  and  helping  her  toward  C.  E.) 
I'm  all  right,  Ned;  you  needn't  come  with  me. 

Allen   (Coming  back) — Just  as  you  say! 

(BEATRICE  goes  out  C.  E.  to  right.  The  two 
men  stand  in  front  of  the  mantel.  ALLEN  offers 
FINLAYSON  a  cigar  which  he  accepts.  They  smoke, 
apparently  forgetting  their  cares,  as  men  do.  Dur 
ing  the  ensuing  dialogue  TAD  steals  down  the 
stairs,  peeps  in  C.  E.,  takes  the  pie  from  behind  the 
portiere,  assures  himself  that  the  two  men  are  pay 
ing  no  attention  to  him,  and  runs  softly  down  L. 
into  the  FINLAYSONS'  apartment.) 

Finlayson  (Puffing  meditatively) — It's  a  queer 
old  world,  Ned.  I'm  inclined  to  think  that  the 
crazy  Dutch  Professor  is  right,  although  he  doesn't 
know  it !  He  hasn't  got  brains  enough ! 

Allen — If  I  were  in  your  boots  at  the  present 
moment  I'd  be  scattering  what  few  brains  he  has 
on  the  nearest  pavement ! 

Finlayson — Oh,  no  you  wouldn't!  What  good 
would  that  do?  Only  make  things  unpleasant  for 
the  passers-by.  He's  got  hold  of  a  few  catch 
phrases  that  please  the  women,  and  he's  making 
money  out  of  them.  You  and  I  could  have  used, 
not  only  those  phrases,  but  also  the  things  they 


io8  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

stand  for.  "Change?"  Yes,  "nothing  but  change," 
he  says,  but  that  doesn't  mean  arbitrary  change,  it 
means  voluntary.  Freedom  and  change  have  been 
my  watchwords;  only,  as  I  said  earlier  in  the  eve 
ning,  I'm  not  spectacular  enough;  nobody  pays  any 
attention  to  me  because  I  don't  hire  a  hall  and  ad 
vertise  that  I'm  from  Boston! 

Allen — That's  the  reason  I  believe  in  smashing 
things  once  in  awhile.  Just  plain  smash!  It  makes 
them  notice  you. 

Finlayson — That's  the  quickest  way,  of  course; 
only  sometimes,  in  your  haste,  you  smash  the  wrong 
person.  My  way  isn't  so  "qvick,  speedy,"  but  it's 
pretty  sure  to  win  out  in  the  end. 

(TAD  steals  in  from  L.  and  hides  under  the 
couch.} 

Allen — Well,  I  don't  have  time  to  reason  out 
all  this  dope.  I  tell  you  when  a  man's  chained  to 
his  office  desk  for  ten  hours  a  day  he  doesn't  have 
much  time  for 

(BEATRICE  comes  in  hastily,  limping.) 

Beatrice — Have  you  seen  Tad? 

Tad  (Under  the  couch) — Yoo-whoo  ! — Tweet! 
Tweet !  Yoo-whoo ! 

Beatrice — Dear  me!  I  hear  a  little  bird  under 
the  couch ! 

Tad  (Crawling  out,  and  ecstatically  jumping  at 
his  mother) — Oh,  mama,  it's  so  nice  when  you're 
home! 

Beatrice — Taddy !     Careful — careful ! 

Allen — See  here,  son,  no  rough-house!  Remem 
ber  mama's  foot! 

Beatrice — Now  run  away  upstairs,  Tad,  and  go 
to  bed.  Mother  doesn't  have  to  come.  Just  take 


ACT  III  109 

off  your  bath-robe  and  slippers  and  jump  into  bed. 
Good-night,  mother's  boy. 

(TAD  hugs  his  mother,  and  starts  toward  C.  E.) 

Allen  (With  pretended  injury) — Well  I  like 
this  neglect!  (TAD  rushes  to  him  and  jumps  into 
his  arms,  giving  him  a  bear-hug.}  Good-night, 
daddy.  (Seeing  FINLAYSON  watching  him,  he 
jumps  into  his  arms  next.)  Good-night,  Uncle 
Rod.  (Kissing  him  on  the  right  cheek)  And 
here's  one  for  Aunt  Jane.  (Kissing  him  on  the 
left  cheek) 

Finlayson — Thank  you,  Taddy.     Good-night. 

(TAD  runs  toward  C.  E.) 

Beatrice — Oh — Tad!  (He  turns.)  Don't  for 
get  to  say  your  prayers. 

Tad — I  did  say  'em — twice! 

Beatrice — Twice  ? 

Tad — Yes,  once  to  Bong,  and  once  to  God. 
(Whining)  I  don't  have  to  say  'em  again,  do  I, 
mama?  They  know  what  I  want. 

Beatrice  (Choking) — Very  well,  Taddy;  twice 
is  enough.  Run  along! 

Tad  (At  C.  E.) — I  want  a  drink  of  water! 

Beatrice — Bong  will  take  you  a  drink  of  water. 

Allen — Want  daddy  to  bring  it? 

Tad  (In  alarm) — Oh,  no,  no!  You  wait  for 
mama.  You  have  to  help  her.  Come  up  soon, 
mammy ! 

Allen  (Laughing) — All  right.  Good-night,  old 
man. 

(TAD  goes  reluctantly  upstairs.) 

Beatrice  (Laughing) — Tell  Bong  to  carry  up  a 
glass  of  water  to  your  son,  Ned. 

(ALLEN  goes  out  C.  E.  to  right.) 


no  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Finlayson — There's  not  much  chance  for  stagna 
tion  while  Tad  is  around. 

Beatrice — I  suppose  I  spoil  him  terribly — but 
what  is  one  to  do! 

(The  doorbell  rings.  They  look  at  each  other 
questioningly. ) 

Finlayson — I  suppose  I'd  better  answer  that.  (He 
goes  out  C.  E.  to  left.) 

(ALLEN  and  BONG  appear  C.  E.  coming  from 
the  dining-room.  BONG  carries  a  glass  of  water. 
ALLEN  motions  for  him  to  take  it  upstairs.  ALLEN 
remains  C.  E.  FINLAYSON  is  heard  talking  to 
someone  at  the  front  door.) 

Allen    (Calling) — Come  in!     Come  in! 

Parker  (Outside) — No  thanks,  I'd  better  not. 

Allen — I  insist.     I  want  to  talk  to  you. 

Parker  (Enters  with  FINLAYSON.  The  three 
slowly  come  into  the  room.) — I  thought  Mrs.  Allen 
would  need  her  purse  which  I  was  carrying  for 
her  in  my  pocket,  so  instead  of  phoning  I  brought 
it  right  around.  (He  hands  ALLEN  a  small  hand 
bag.  ) 

Allen — Beatrice,  Mr.  Parker  has  brought  your 
purse. 

Beatrice — Oh,  how  good  of  you,  Mr.  Parker! 
Why,  I  hadn't  missed  it!  Do  come  in. 

Allen  (As  PARKER  still  hesitates) — Yes,  come  in; 
there's  something  to  talk  about. 

Finlayson — Come  in.     The  majority  rules! 

Parker  (Stiffly) — Very  well,  for  a  few  minutes; 
although  I  can't  see  what  good  can  be  gained  by 
talking.  I  hope  your  foot  is  feeling  easier,  Mrs. 
Allen. 

Beatrice — Thank  you,  I  hardly  feel  it  at  all  now. 


ACT  III  in 

Allen — Sit  down.  I  just  want  to  tell  you  that 
you're  away  off  on  the  wrong  tack.  Fact  is,  you 
know,  there's  nothing  to  it.  You've  got  the  best 
girl — and — (PARKER  looks  indignant.} — Hang  it, 
Fin,  this  is  your  job !  Talk  to  him. 

Finlayson  (Shrugging  his  shoulders) — When  a 
man  gets  into  Parker's  state  of  mind  mere  words 
don't  do  much  good.  He  wants  to  believe  the 
worst. 

Parker — I'll  be  glad  to  hear  what  you  have  to 
say;  not  that  I  think  it  will  change  my  attitude. 
Not  in  the  slightest  degree. 

Beatrice — You  mustn't  feel  like  that,  Mr.  Park 
er.  We  are  all  subject  to  change,  and 

Allen— Oh,  Lord!  Better  let  Fin  do  the  talk 
ing,  Bee.  ( They  sit. )  He's  an  expert  in  that  line. 

Finlayson — I'm  in  the  position  of  the  unfortunate 
person  who  was  introduced  by  the  gushing  hostess 
as  the  funny-man  of  his  community.  Nothing  could 
be  more  conducive  to  a  free  flow  of  wit  and  wis 
dom! 

Allen — It's  never  any  trouble  for  you  to  air  your 
views. 

Beatrice — Oh,  Ned!    You're  positively  rude! 

Finlayson — "And  rudeness  must  be  met  with 
rudeness."  Dry  up>  Ned !  You  gave  me  the  chair. 
What  I  was  going  to  say  is  this.  Parker's  in  a 
state  of  mind  when  "seeing  is  believing,"  but  he's 
seen  the  wrong  things.  Now,  any  minute  Miss 
Perry  may  be  here;  and  I  propose  that  Mr.  Parker 
just  calmly  sit  in  that  big  chair  by  the  fire  where 
he  will  remain  unnoticed  while  we  entertain  Miss 
Perry  in  the  studio.  (Indicating  the  left  side  of 
the  room)  Thus  he  can 


ii2  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Parker — Do  you  mean  I  am  to  eavesdrop?  (.Ex 
citedly.) 

Finlayson  (Calmly) — Not  at  all,  not  at  all! 
You  can't  help  it  if  she  doesn't  notice  you.  Just 
at  present  you  appear  to  have  broken  off  diplomatic 
relations  with  Miss  Perry,  and  as  there  will  be 
several  witnesses  to  her  conversation  there  will  be 
no  secrecy.  You  have  been  rather  poor  at  seeing, 
but  you  may  hear  something  to  your  advantage. 
(The  door-bell  rings.)  No  doubt  that  is  Miss 
Perry  now. 

Beatrice  (Excitedly) — It  may  be  Jane! 

(ALLEN  goes  to  the  front  door.) 

Finlayson — It  doesn't  much  matter  which  ar 
rives  first.  Here,  Parker,  sit  down  here,  will  you? 
Resign  yourself  to  the  court  of  arbitration!  (He 
turns  the  chair  with  a  high  back  facing  the  fire,  and 
PARKER  dejectedly  does  as  he  is  told.  The  lights 
are  subdued  on  that  side  of  the  room.) 

(ISABEL  comes  in  with  ALLEN  C.  E.  She  looks 
doubtfully  at  BEATRICE.) 

Beatrice — Come  in,  Miss  Perry.  I  do  wish  you 
wouldn't  take  away  your  things!  It  was  all  my 
horrid  temper  that  caused  most  of  the  trouble. 
Couldn't  you  forget  it  now  and  make  friends? 
I'm  terribly  sorry.  I'm  sure  your  mother  thinks 
I'm  a  perfect  cat ! 

Isabel  (Frankly) — Of  course,  I'll  forget  it,  Mrs. 
Allen.  Naturally  you  believed  what  was  told  you. 

Allen — It  was  the  most  idiotic  nonsense  I  was 
ever  mixed  up  in.  (Looking  from  his  wife  to 
ISABEL)  The  idea  of  my  thinking  you — that  is,  of 
course — I  mean  to  the  right  man  you  are — (becom 
ing  hopelessly  confused) 


ACT  III  113 

Isabel  (Laughing} — I  know  all  you  would  say, 
Mr.  Allen.  No  explanations  are  necessary — you 
have  been  too  good  a  friend  to  me  for  that.  (She 
and  BEATRICE  laugh.) 

Finlayson — Then  that  settles  it.  Your  type 
writer,  your  easel — all  the  junk  remains  here,  the 
same  as  usual,  eh  ? 

Isabel — You  are  all  very  kind  to  want  me,  but 
I  think  I'd  better  please  my  mother  in  this.  I'll 
not  be  with  her  very  much  longer,  you  know. 
(Beginning  to  pack  up  her  things) 

Beatrice — Oh,  indeed? 

Isabel — She  is  very  anxious  to  have  me  at  home 
during  the  next  few  months. 

Finlayson — And  then  what? 

Isabel — I  can  take  in  work  there,  you  see,  just 
as  well,  and  then — (Consciously,  turning  to 
ALLEN) — if  plans  work  out  as  we  thought  earlier 
in  the  evening,  you  know  I  told  you  I  would  be 
married. 

(PARKER  starts  up,  then  subsides.) 

Allen — You  haven't  changed  your  mind,  then? 

Isabel — Well,  this  is  a  sort  of  clearing-up  meet 
ing,  isn't  it?  I  might  as  well  be  frank.  I've 
changed  my  mind  twice  this  evening! 

Finlayson — It's  the  great  privilege  of  your  sex. 

Isabel — An  hour  ago  I  was  so  angry  with  Syd 
that  I  never  wanted  to  see  him  again.  (Again 
PARKER  starts  up,  but  controls  himself.  BEATRICE 
saunters,  humming,  in  line  between  his  chair  and 
ISABEL.)  Half  an  hour  ago  I  told  mama  I'd  stay 
with  her  forever!  Then  these  last  few  minutes 
I've  thought  how  perfectly  ridiculous  and  childish 
it  is  to  allow  a  slight  misunderstanding  over  noth- 


ii4  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

ing  at  all  to  spoil  our  whole  lives.  We  must  be 
cured  of  such  nonsense! 

Allen   (Glancing  at  BEATRICE) — Sensible  girl! 

F  inlay  son — Fine ! 

Allen — Have  you  that  letter  of  recommendation 
with  you  that  I  gave  you  awhile  ago? 

Isabel  (Producing  it) — Yes. 

Allen — Would  you  mind  if  I  sent  it  to  him 
myself  ? 

Isabel — Oh,  no,  not  at  all !  The  pleasure  is  gone 
now  in  the  birthday  present. 

Beatrice — Whose  birthday? 

Allen — Shuh!  (To  FINLAYSON)  Give  it  to 
him.  (Motioning  toward  PARKER) 

Finlayson  (Taking  the  letter  from  ALLEN)—- 
Um-hm ! 

Beatrice — So  you  expect  to  be  married  this  sum 
mer? 

Isabel — Yes,  if  Sydney  makes  good  in  his  new 
position. 

(PARKER  springs  up,  and  is  confronted  by  FIN 
LAYSON.  ISABEL  looks  indignantly  at  ALLEN  and 
the  others,  but  is  reassured  by  ALLEN.) 

Allen — Don't  be  angry!    This  is  part  of  the  cure. 

Finlayson — Mr.  Parker,  earlier  in  the  evening 
this  "billet  doux"  was  entrusted  to  a  charming 
messenger  to  deliver  to  you,  but  a  series  of  mishaps 
befell  it.  Now  it  has  come  into  my  hands,  and 
before  it  causes  any  further  trouble  I  think  you 
would  better  take  possession  of  it. 

Parker  ({Taking  the  letter) — But  this  is  ad 
dressed  to  Miss  Perry. 

Finlayson — Probably  you  will  find  that  it  has  a 
double  envelope. 


ACT  III  115 

Parker  (Opening  the  letter,  finds  that  there  are 
two  envelopes.  He  reads  the  na?ne  on  the  inner 
one.) — That  means  me,  all  right!  (Opening  the 
letter,  he  reads,  his  expression  changes,  he  looks  at 
ALLEN.)  Carroll-Seymour!  Mr.  Allen,  I  have 
you  to  thank  for  this ! 

Allen  (Smiling  at  ISABEL) — I  had  only  a  little 
to  do  with  it. 

Parker  (Awkwardly  approaching  him  and 
ISABEL) — I've  been  an  awful  fool  tonight,  Isabel. 

Isabel — Many  happy  returns  of  tomorrow,  Syd! 
Let's  forget  tonight ! 

Parker — You're  a  corker,  Isabel.  (He  stands 
awkwardly  before  her,  then  turns  hastily  to  the 
others,  and  shakes  hands  all  round.)  Is  there 
anything  I  can  do  around  here? 

Isabel — Yes,  help  me  to  pack  up  these. 

(SHE  and  PARKER  gather  her  things  together.) 

Finlayson — You  are  determined  to  move,  are 
you? 

Isabel — Yes,  I  must. 

(  FINLAYSON  and  ALLEN  assist  with  the  packing. 
BEATRICE  sits  on  the  couch.) 

Finlayson — I  am  going  to  miss  my  little  secretary- 
art-student  terribly. 

Beatrice — Now,  if  it  had  been  you  she — er 

(Catching  herself  up)  Taddy  will  miss  you  too, 
dreadfully! 

Isabel — Yes,  dear  little  Tad!  I  shall  miss  him. 
He  must  come  to  see  me.  He  and  I  share  loads 
of  secrets. 

(The  door-bell  rings.  EVERYONE  looks  at  the 
other  nervously.  ALLEN  answers.  FINLAYSON 
plants  himself  in  front  of  the  fireplace.) 


n6  TRIAL  MARRIAGE     s 

Isabel — Hurry  up,  Syd !     We  must  go. 

Parker — Everything  seems  to  be  here,  eh  ?  Have 
I  got  'em  all? 

Isabel — I  think  so.  (Her  arms  and  PARKER'S 
are  full.) 

(ALLEN  enters,  ALL  are  expectant.  JANE  en 
ters.  She  talks  back  into  the  hall.) 

Jane — Oh,  do  come  in  a  moment,  Professor, 
and  help  me  explain  our  plans!  They  are  all  here. 
That  makes  it  so  much  nicer !  Come  in — come  in ! 

Professor  S.  (Appearing  C.  E.) — If  you  insist, 
Madame. 

Jane — Won't  you  take  off  your  coat? 

(The  others,  meantime,  are  bidding  ISABEL  and 
PARKER  good-night.) 

Professor  S.  (Shrugging) — It  iss  not  vorth  vhile, 
dear  ladee.  I  remain  so  leetle  time. 

Jane  (Gaily) — Well,  good  people,  it's  all 
settled.  (To  ISABEL,  who  is  in  a  great  hurry) 
Oh,  don't  run  away,  Miss  Perry!  Why,  I  didn't 
expect  to  find  you  here,  Mr.  Parker! 

Parker — It's  a  surprise  to  me  also,  Mrs.  Fin- 
layson.  I  am  helping  Miss  Perry  to  move. 

Jane  (Surprised) — Well,  do  wait  a  moment  and 
hear  our  plans  for  the  big  meeting. 

(ALL  sit  except  FINLAYSON.  After  some  in 
decision  he  comes  forward  and  determinedly  places 
a  chair  C.  for  the  PROFESSOR.  The  latter  thanks 
him  effusively,  and  sits.  FINLAYSON  remains  in 
front  of  the  fireplace,  smoking  furiously.  ISABEL 
and  PARKER  still  hold  their  parcels.)  We  are  to 
make  use  of  the  same  hall.  On  second  thoughts  we 
concluded  it  would  be  large  enough,  eh,  Professor? 

Professor  S. — Qvite  large  enough,  I  t'ink. 


ACT  III  117 

jane — Although  we  do  want  to  plan  this  espe 
cially  for  men,  there's  no  disguising  the  fact  that 
it  is  hard  to  attract  them  along  the  lines  of  the 
Professor's  chosen  subject. 

Parker  (Trying  to  be  conversational) — What  is 
the  subject  to  be? 

Beatrice  (Falling  again  under  the  glamour  of  the 
PROFESSOR) — Yes,  couldn't  you  give  them  a  little 
idea  of  what  it  is  going  to  be  ? 

(The  PROFESSOR  looks  enquiringly  at  JANE.) 

Jane — I  wish  you  would. 

Professor  S. — It  iss  widout  precedent  dat  I  do 
diss — yet  vat  can  I  do,  ven  it  iss  for  you,  Madame? 
My  idea  for  dees  lecture,  it  iss  necessaree  dat  I 
put  all  in  vone,  as  it  vere,  so  I  begin  mit  a  few 
t'oughts  on  der  not'ingness  off  der  potentiaree  plas- 
mogen.  I  ondertake  to  explain  how  useless  iss  dees 
in  der  eferyday  life  off  dees  period! 

Parker — Very  interesting,  I'm  sure! 

Professor  S. — Den — by  natural  consequence,  ve 
come  to  der  pleonasteec  tendencies  off  der  Kosmos, 
making,  as  it  vere,  so  mooch — how  shall  I  say? — 
(you  see,  I  haf  not  my  notes) — so  mooch  disturb 
ances  between  der  mens  and  dee  vomans. 

Allen — Here's  where  I  begin  to  catch  on! 

Professor  S.  (Glad  to  see  his  interest) — Yes, 
Mistair  Allen,  it  iss  dat  so  great  cosmotheteec  force 
which  ve,  only  so  few  off  us,  like  Madame  Feenlay- 
son  and  meinself,  (Adding  as  an  afterthought)  and 
off  course,  Madame — er — (Indicating  BEATRICE) 
dees  little  ladee  here,  who  can  anteecipate  der  years, 
and  make  off  dees  a  new  eera. 

Jane — It's  going  to  be  splendid,  combining  so 
much  in  one  lecture!  Oh,  how  fortunate  we  are! 


n8  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

Beatrice — I'm  crazy  about  it ! 

Jane — Then  how  will  you  sum  up,  eh? 

Professor  S. — Sum  up?  How  you  mean,  Ma 
dame? 

Jane — What  will  you  finish  with? 

Professor  S. — Oh,  I  see!  Vy,  my  dear  ladee, 
der  sum  total  iss  vone  grand  idea — ze  t'ing  for 
vich  feefty  years  hence  ve  lif 

Jane  (Smiling) — Yes,  go  on — you'd  better  ex 
plain  to  them  further. 

Professor  S.  (Turning  to  ALLEN) — I  am  sure 
you  haf  seen  der  need  off  dees  change,  Mistair 
Allen;  eef  not  here  in  your  so  charming  household, 
den  in  dose  around  you. 

Allen  (Brusquely) — Yes?  To  what  do  you  re 
fer? 

Professor  S.  (Solemnly) — To  der  Trial  Mar 
riage,  Mistair.  It  iss  my  most  dearly  cherished 
dream  off  der  future. 

(There  is  a  subdued  stir  amongst  all  his  listeners, 
except  JANE,  who  appears  to  be  enjoying  herself 
hugely.) 

Isabel  (Hastily) — Sydney!  We  really  must  be 
going ! 

Parker  (Moving  suddenly,  drops  one  armful  of 
parcels) — I'm  with  you. 

Isabel — Oh,  dear,  now  see  what  you've  done! 
(Going  C.  E.)  Well,  good-night,  once  more. 
Come  along,  Syd!  (She  goes  out.) 

Professor  S.  (Detaining  PARKER  a  moment) — I 
hope  to  see  you  and  dee  so  charming  ladee  on  der 
Monday  efening — er — Mistair — I  haf  not  your 
name. 

Parker      (Abruptly} — My     name     is     Parker. 


ACT  III  119 

Thanks,  I'm  sorry,  but  I  expect  to  be  out  of  town 
about  then.  Good-night  all!  (He  goes  out  hastily.) 

All — Good-night ! 

Professor  S.  (To  JANE) — I  t'ink  I  also  must 
now  go.  My  vife,  she  haf  asked  me  to  stop  by 
der  pharmacee  for  some  coughing  syrup  for  dee 
babee. 

Jane — Baby? 

Beatrice — Baby ! 

(FINLAYSON  starts.) 

Allen— What's  that? 

Professor  S. — Ah,  my  tiny  leetle  vone,  dee  babee, 
she  haf  a  bad  cold  taken. 

Beatrice — Why,  I  didn't  know  you  were  mar 
ried. 

Professor  S.  (Holding  up  his  hands) — Oh,  so 
mooch  married,  my  dear  ladee!  I  haf  der  five — er 
—  (Motioning  as  though  his  children  were  a  stair 
way,  touching  the  head  of  each  above  the  other)  — 
how  you  say?  Steps!  One — two — three — four — 
five — der  grand  Americain  cheeldren! 

Finlayson  (Suddenly  coming  forward,  a  gleam  in 
his  eyes) — Very  interesting,  I'm  sure!  And  Ma 
dame  Staticmuller,  how  is  she? 

Professor  S. — Ah,  dee  good  home-maker!  She 
iss  dere  in  der  house.  I  t'ank  you  she  iss  veil,  ve'y 
veil.  Dat  iss,  as  veil  as  vone  can  expect — of 
course,  you  onderstand — der  cares  off  a  familee ! 

Finlayson — Yes,  I  think  we  all  see  plainly !  How 
does  it  happen,  Professor,  that  you,  who  are  ap 
parently  so  happily  situated,  make  it  your  life  work 
to  preach,  "change,  change,  change"? 

Professor  S. — Ah — er — Mr.  Feenlayson,  is  it  not  ? 
Yes — er — mit  der  great  idea,  it  iss  enough  dat  it 


120  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

iss  born  in  my  brain.  I  gif  it  forth,  Mistair — it  iss 
enough!  I  am  exhaust!  It  iss  to  others  I  look 
to  lif  my  idea,  Mistair  Feenlayson — to  others  I 
look  to  lif!  (Hastily)  Good-night,  I  must  go! 
It  haf  been  so  great  pleasure,  I  assure  you,  to  meet 
all  in  dees  happy,  happy  home! 

(With  elaborate  bows  to  ALL  he  goes  out  C.  E., 
followed  by  JANE.  The  others  sink  down  in  vari 
ous  attitudes  of  surprise,  ALLEN  and  BEATRICE 
looking  at  each  other  fixedly.  Then  FINLAYSON 
begins  one  of  his  paroxysms  of  silent  laughter  on 
the  couch.) 

Jane  (In  the  hall) — Good-night,  Professor.  It 
was  awfully  good  of  you  to  take  so  much  trouble. 
(There  is  a  murmur  from  the  PROFESSOR.)  Oh, 
yes,  we'll  all  be  there!  Good-night. 

(JANE  reenters.  She  stands  in  the  doorway  sur 
veying  them,  then  peers  around  to  see  what  FIN 
LAYSON  is  doing.  He  is  speechless.  ALLEN  and 
BEATRICE,  not  seeing  him,  regard  JANE  with  in 
dignation.) 

Beatrice — Well — I'd  like  to  know  what  you  have 
to  say  for  yourself,  Jane  Finlayson ! 

Jane  (Softly)— April  Fools'! 

(FINLAYSON'S  laughter  breaks  out  audibly.  He 
leans  back  in  the  corner  of  the  couch  and  laughs 
until  he  is  weak.  JANE  seats  herself  L.  in  the  big 
chair,  and  regards  him  with  assumed  wonder,  then 
begins  to  laugh.  ALLEN  and  BEATRICE  fidget 
about  the  room  indignantly.) 

Beatrice — Well!  When  you  have  quite  finished, 
you  two! 

Alien — Next  time  I  miss  an  Indoor  Yacht  Club 
meeting,  for  such  damned  nonsense,  you'll  know  it ! 


ACT  III  121 

Finlayson  (Gasping) — That  is  my  one  regret, 
Ned!  (He  struggles  up,  and  approaches  JANE, 
trying  to  assume  a  masterful  air,  but  failing  ut 
terly.)  What  do  you  mean,  Madame?  What  do 
you  mean,  I  say? 

Jane  (With  pretended  meekness) — I  was  trying 
to  develop  my  sense  of  humor,  Rod. 

Finlayson — Well,  you  succeeded  all  right,  old 
girl.  You've  got  us  all  beat  a  mile! 

Jane — Thank  you.  That's  high  praise  from  you! 
I  am  encouraged  to  continue.  (Looking  about) 
Has  anyone  seen  my  book?  I  left  it  here  earlier 
in  the  evening.  (She  searches  for  it.) 

Allen — Come  along,  Bee;  I'll  help  you  upstairs. 
(They  start,  taking  BEATRICE'S  wraps.)  I  move 
that  we  strike  this  fool  night  off  the  calendar. 
What  do  you  say  if  we  forget  it? 

Finlayson  (Joining  them,  with  JANE,  near  C. 
E.) — I'm  willing!  I  began  it,  so  I'll  finish  it.  I'm 
sorry! 

Beatrice — Why — I  don't  think  that,  Rod!  I'm 
sure  if  Ned  hadn't  come  in  as  cross  as  a  bear 

Allen — Shuh  !  (Stopping  her  mouth  with  a  kiss, 
he  hurries  her  off  upstairs,  she  protesting.) 

Jane  (Gaily) — Nobody  began  it.  It  was  all 
just  an  inevitable  part  of  the  dear  Professor's  po- 
tentious  pleonastic  tendencies!  In  plain  language, 
"change,  change,  change!"  Good-night.  ( FINLAY 
SON  regards  JANE  awkwardly,  not  knowing  what  to 
say  to  her.  She  continues  to  search  for  her  book.) 
I  wish  I  could  find  my  book!  I  want  to  finish  a 
chapter. 

Finlayson — Maybe  it  slipped  under  the  couch. 

Jane  (Looking  under  the  couch) — Whatever  in 


122  TRIAL  MARRIAGE 

the  world!  (She  draws  out  a  brick  and  some 
sticks.)  Some  of  Taddy's  tricks,  I  suppose.  Oh, 
here's  my  book!  (Rising) 

Finlayson  (Solemnly) — Oh,  I  forgot!  I  have 
been  entrusted  with  a  gift  for  you.  Tad  left  you 
a  kiss  right  here.  (Indicating)  You  may  take  it 
now,  if  you  like. 

Jane  (Solemnly) — Thank  you!  (She  kisses  him 
carefully  on  the  spot  indicated.  Then  he  catches 
her  in  his  arms,  and  holds  her  close  for  a  moment. 
Then  JANE,  with  a  contented  sigh,  draws  away  a 
little.)  Did  you  really  care  as  much  as  that,  Rod? 

Finlayson — I  cared  a  whole  lot,  Jane.  Next  time 
you  must  give  me  warning  when  your  sense  of 
humor  is  going  to  take  a  flight. 

(Loud  laughter  comes  from  the  ALLENS  up 
stairs.  ) 

Jane — Something  seems  to  be  funny.  Will  you 
put  out  the  lights,  Rod?  (Going  toward  their 
apartment  L.)  Oh,  I'm  dead  tired! 

Finlayson  (Beginning  to  put  out  the  lights)  — 
Yes. 

Bong  (Appearing  C.  E.  from  the  dining-room, 
glances  in) — I  put  out  lights. 

Finlayson — All  right,   Bong.     Good-night. 

(He  goes  out  L.  The  laughter  from  upstairs 
continues.  TAD'S  shrill  voice  is  also  heard.  BONG 
pokes  the  fire.  Then  laughter  comes  from  the 
FINLAYSONS'  apartment.  BONG  turns  from  the 
fireplace  in  wonder.  Down  the  stairs  come  the 
ALLENS,  TAD  capering  after  them.  ALLEN  is  in 
his  shirt-sleeves,  BEATRICE  in  kimono  and  slippers, 
her  hair  down.  ALLEN  carries  an  apple-pie  aloft, 
and  his  pajama  suit,  tied  in  knots,  over  his  arm. 


ACT  III  123 

BEATRICE  carries  her  nightgown,  and  several  sticks 
and  bricks.  Sticks  are  protruding  from  the  sleeves 
of  the  nightgown.) 

(From  L.  come  the  FINLAYSONS.  RODNEY  car 
ries  his  pie  on  his  head,  and  In  each  hand  a  brick,  to 
balance,  while  his  pajama  coat,  with  knotted  sleeves, 
hangs  over  his  shoulders  like  a  cape.  He  also  is  in 
his  shirt-sleeves.  JANE  is  in  her  kimono,  and  wears 
her  nightgown  over  her*  shoulders  like  a  cape. 
She  carries  some  books  and  sticks.  When  all  see 
each  other,  they  become  quiet  for  TAD'S  benefit, 
and  march  solemnly  around  in  a  circle,  while  TAD, 
in  pajamas,  and  barefoot,  capers  wildly  about, 
shouting.) 

Tad— April  Fools'!    April  Fools'! 

(BoNG  regards  them  solemnly  from  the  fireplace 
as  the  CURTAIN  falls.) 


OVERDUE.        ^     $'-°°    ON    THE    S 


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